The Last Word

'You should pen down your life dad. There are quite a few chapters which will be absolutely amazing!' I told him on that beautiful Valentine's Day in 2023 over the speaker phone while driving to office in the morning.

He brushed off that request of mine saying, 'Poda, who would want to read about my life?'

I said, 'You have inspired a lot of people dad. Even if that book of yours is read by only ten people, it will be life changing for them. You must write.'

'OK, let me give it a thought', dad said. I could imagine him smiling at the other end of the phone. 

'Tell me dad, what's left in your bucket list? Is there anything you really wanted to achieve and couldn't?'

It didn’t even take a moment for him to respond, 'Nothing da, am all done with God's grace'.

48 hours later, I stood next to his bed in the hospital where he was in a state beyond recognizing me and bid him goodbye with my last kiss while his heart was still beating with unconditional love as always...

Happy Valentine's Day in heaven Daddy 💙

 

The Loop

Disclaimer: If you have not lost a parent yet and consider yourself light-hearted, read on at your own risk. The following content may be disturbing for a few.

I was a bit late to reach office in the morning. Blame it on the weird nightmare that disturbed my sleep the previous night in which my dad passed away and I went and buried him!

As soon as I reached office a bunch of grave faces greeted me. ‘Did someone die?’ I thought. One by one they came and passed their condolences. They all wanted to know how did it happen all of a sudden. Apparently, I told them two weeks back that my dad passed away and I am now back in office after burying him!

Reality struck me. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was a fact indeed. I lost my dad.

Shortly afterwards I settled down at my desk and started catching up on the mails. In a few moments I was pulled back into the time bubble and soon I was thinking of a conversation I need to have with dad. I could hear my mind reminding me to call him later today.

Later during the day, as I was planning to give a call to my dad, another of my colleague turns up with a long face and repeated the exercise that happened in the morning. The time bubble was burst again. I lost my dad once more.

Losing someone, especially one that is quite close to your heart isn’t easy.

I’m not sure how long will time continue this game with me.

Then again as they say, time is the best healer!

Till then we’ll play hide and seek dad, just like good ol’ times.

You have a fantastic time wherever you are…

Tears of Strength

‘Be Strong’. Probably the phrase I’ve heard countless number of times since 16 February 2023, almost a month back. That’s the date when I started experiencing the strangest ever feeling in my life of four decades.

Imagine this. Ever since you were born, the starting and ending of your day has always been with the biggest and brightest source of energy known to the human race, the Sun. What happens one day, just like that, the Sun stops shining. Needless to say you’ll be slapped with darkness and gloom. Your days no longer start with the perennial hope of light. You will never be able to wish anyone a bright and beautiful day anymore.

This and many more impossible to explain emotions were having a joyful ride of their life through my mind since that day. I lost the greatest source of power in my life from the time I was born, the one that gave me hope, cared for me unconditionally, moulded me with love and taught me what life is in its entirety.

My Dad!

He was indeed a superhero for me and unsurprisingly for many others as well. People who I met and others who reached out only had good memories and great stories to share about dad. He was literally an influencer in their lives, way before social media ever existed and the word influencer meant even more than the digital motivation that we rely upon these days.

Since he knew quite a lot of people it was decided that we should have the funeral on a weekend, four days after his passing, so that they get a chance to meet him for one last time. It indeed was a good decision as the endless flow of people the day before and the funeral day was the evidence of how much was he loved.

What was particularly difficult for me was to meet a bunch of them who have been not just influenced by dad but have been a great influence in his life, about whom he has spoken to me many times. They all reminded me of the happy times dad had with them and those moments literally relived in front of my eyes each time they came over and held my hand.

Sometimes a look into their eyes, a word uttered, a gentle pressing of my hand or a hug, they all triggered a seemingly never-ending churn of reservoir of tears deep down somewhere in me.

I cried, through all those days and more.

Every instance I could recollect the precious moments of love and care he kept aside for me, welled up my eyes. I heard people saying time and again to be strong. They wanted me to remain a support for the sake of my family including mom. Some of them said do not cry and be strong.

But those were not tears of weakness. In fact every drop that found its way out through my eyes made me stronger. For me, tears are the most natural outlet for a human being especially when you are overwhelmed with emotions. Let it flow. It will only make you stronger and prepare you to move ahead.

Amidst the avalanche of tears, along with my God sent cousins, I got through all the set of activities required right from the hospital bed to the funeral day and beyond. If I am to make a list of things done, it’ll need another whole day. I truly believe it was those tears though they blurred my vision momentarily, gave me much needed clarity and power just like a windshield that is wiped clean each time after you spray water and the wiper of your car does a perfect job.

Let me end with the tribute I penned down for Dad on his 7th Day, ‘Daddy, you taught us everything except the last chapter in your book of life. We opened the final chapter today and it said, ‘The Beginning’. You left us a note, ‘for self-study’. We now begin our learning with your eternal guidance. Live in our hearts and be with us forever… To the best dad world can ever offer!’

The Receiving End

Twenty beautiful years. That was what I was blessed to be with my parents and my brother, day in and day out, physically. Ever since I was born and till the day I completed my graduation, I stayed home with my family in our small town of Changanacherry in Kerala. Post graduation took me out of my town for the first time and since then I came back home for vacations which were some of the most cherished moments in life.

Coimbatore, a city in the neighbouring state of Tamil Nadu was the first one in the list where I had to stay in a hostel for three years till the end of the PG course. This was followed by Bangalore for further studies followed by my first job and eventually I landed in Dubai.

During the Coimbatore days, each time after a vacation got over, I used to travel back from Changanacherry to Coimbatore by bus. There was an almost religious sequence to those sent offs. Mom and dad packed food stuff like pickles and snacks which I’ll take back to my hostel. Dad would’ve already booked the bus in advance and on the day I had to leave, with absolutely no exception, he will drop me at the travel agency office. It didn’t stop there.

Buses to many destinations stopped there at the office to pick up passengers. There were always a few boys or girls like me in the waiting area or outside the office awaiting their buses. Almost all of the girls had their parents or at least their fathers waiting along with them for the buses to arrive. That was rarely the case when it came to boys. For most of them, it was either their parents or sometimes a friend or a relative dropping them off and wouldn’t wait for their departure. This was where my dad was an exception.

Dad would drop me at the travel agency, parked his Maruti 800, the cutest car India produced those times, came to the agency office and stayed with me till the time my bus arrived. The waiting time could be anywhere between half an hour to one hour, sometimes more, depending on the traffic conditions on the road. I thank God now for allowing me to be born in early 80’s before mobile phones became popular that I spent all those waiting time talking to my dad.

After a while, the travel agency owner would announce the arrival of the bus in the next five minutes. That’s when I’ll get ready with my bags and wait for the bus to show its face. The agency office was located at a place where you could see the bus coming from a distance. As soon as dad spotted the bus, he would prompt me to get ready for departure. He’ll ensure that I didn’t forget any of my bags and once the bus arrived the same assurance is made for the luggage to be tucked in the belly of the bus safely and I was seated comfortably inside the bus.

The most precious of all those times were the last moments when I bid goodbye to dad before boarding the bus. I had never seen him cry, but always felt his deep love for me welled up in his heart as he looked into my eyes and uttered probably the shortest word in this world, ‘OK’. That ‘OK’ had everything included in it and I knew he didn’t have to be vocal to express that. Ironically, I am just the opposite when it came to expressing love and emotions. Even though dad was not quite comfortable with public display of affection, I always ensured that I gave him a tight hug and a loving kiss on his cheeks and told him to take care till we meet again. He will nod his head and smile. And that’s how we parted.

I loved the fact that I am the one who was leaving and not staying back, as I always felt seeing off someone is more painful than being sent off. The one who is going away will have new experiences to look forward to including the travel itself whereas the one who is seeing off will go back to the same life minus the loved one whom you just sent off. That hurts.

I guess dad got tired of being the one who was seeing me off all the time and decided on a bright and sunny day on, 16 Feb 2023, to allow me to see him off. This time I was the one who was speechless, though my tears did all the talk as dad was on a journey that had no return. But I did tell him for one last time to take care till we meet again in eternal life. He didn’t nod his head but had that smile on his face as always.

Love as much as you can cos…

She is one of the most loved among the cousins in my family and I distinctly remember mom being greatly affectionate about her and almost gave her the title of daughter of the family. An elder sister she was, in all respects. The one who had no qualms about giving you a whack when you were wrong and then hold you close to her and wipe off your tears that roll down your cheeks all the while telling you how much she loves you!

There was an instance when I literally walked out of her home for being scolded for some silly matter. To my surprise she didn't call me back though I was expecting her to do so. Nevertheless I did walk back and all she had to do was look at me and I broke down. I cried till my tear glands seem to have dried up, but she was the one who made me realize that day, the value of togetherness.

All this and more were destined to be part of someone else's life when she married a man whom I thought was the simplest of the guys I've ever met. My brother-in-law [BIL] was truly an uncomplicated person and I even wondered how he will ever survive with my sister! I was really young; perhaps around 12 or so when she got married. A few days after the wedding she came visiting us and I was surprised to see her almost ordering my BIL to give some money to us, cousins! Of course, I didn't even have a clue of what love means between a woman and her man.

I loved visiting our relatives and till date I'm pretty regular with that whenever I'm at my hometown. During the earlier times when I was put up there, one house which I loved to go was her 'new home'. I always felt wanted there and that made me feel even closer to them. I shared birthday with my BIL and that made it even more special. Time flew by and they were blessed with two little angels! My adorable nieces loved me just the way their mom and dad did. It was so obvious to know and to feel how to love and being loved when you are in a family that knows nothing but to love each other!

My sister, with her characteristic personality was the dominating self between them. Many a times I'd felt that he was practically insignificant; little did I know the depth of their relationship and the love for each other. She was dominant yet so practical. She was chirpy, bubbly and filled with life yet the one who completed him. He just loved her! I realize it today that the love they shared was a good lesson in its true spirit for young brats like me who needed to know what the chemistry of love is between a couple.

People say, a marriage without trials is not worth it and God made no exception in their lives too. They did come, big time! My simple & loveable BIL fell sick one day and had to be hospitalized immediately. He was diagnosed with a rare form of meningitis and the doctors broke the news without much delay. They said the case was almost closed and my sister with her two little girls, the younger one being just 6 years old, was destined to be a widow at an age of 35! We were taken by surprise seeing the courage with which she accepted the fact. But what even more astounding were, the faith which she had and the belief with which she said, "I'm not going to let him leave me, at least not so soon"!

And the least we could say was God didn't have a choice. The trial period did extend for a few more days, my BIL started showing signs of recovery and eventually he did make the medical practitioners believe in the power of Super Natural. He came back home, much to the respite and happiness of an entire family that was praying for him. He folded his hands in front of his better half who dared God himself with a steely determination of not letting her sweet heart go all the while reminding herself of the words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part".

Life did change for them after that incident. Their love knew no limits. They were so much more a complete couple and knew that they were given a second life. They thanked Him, appreciated and respected His will. Years passed by and the happy family they were, continued to live their life in all its glory. Just before one of the Onam [State festival of Kerala] holidays, the family of four had an awesome vacation trip to Goa. The sun and the sand was just perfect and they evidently had one of the best times of their life till date! Little did they know that life was going to change again, but this time for ever…

They returned from Goa to a grand Onam celebration with the extended family and that was one of the all time best family reunions ever. My otherwise calm and composed BIL was unbelievably cheerful that day and the pictures turned out to be the most jovial of all what were taken till date. They returned home that evening and the very next day proved to be the one that can be termed life-changing for my sister & the two girls.

He was home and felt a pain close to his left shoulder and asked my sister to get some hot water. She stepped away to get it from kitchen and returned to see him lying on his chest. The hand that held hers when they exchanged the wedding vows were almost frozen and all what she could do was let go an almost inaudible cry that would've been carried along with his soul to the Heavenly Father who decided it is time that the term for second life reached its end. A life filled with love and respect to each other did end there. The physical presence gave way to an eternal bonding with a spiritual existence.

I truly believe it is better to have some questions left unanswered. The one who created us with all His love and tender care is the same person who tells us, it is enough and get back to me. Parents who kill their own child! This could be one of the biggest ironies of life. Something perhaps we'll never comprehend.

All what I could think is, love as much as you can cos you'll never know when you'll be called…