The Second Chance

‘Ayyappanum Koshiyum’ is a recent Malayalam movie that got released starring Prithviraj Sukumaran and Biju Menon. Soon after the movie got released, a controversy started doing rounds about one of the scenes in the movie. This is the scene where Koshi, the character played by Prithviraj slaps his wife.

Later when a journalist questioned Prithvi on him going back on an earlier promise he made, of never acting in scenes that are outrageous to a woman, he made a very interesting remark. He mentioned that this was the only way to factually represent a problem that exists in our society today even when the parties involved are highly educated. What was even more fascinating was the statement that followed. He said ‘Kannamma’ the character who is the wife of ‘Ayyappan’ hailing from a lesser educated background would’ve walked out of the marriage if it ever happened to her.

You might have guessed where I’m heading to, with this narration. If the guess is that I’ll be touching upon the importance of giving due respect to the women, then guess again! It isn’t that the topic is less important. On the contrary it is one of the most critical topics to be discussed in any forum that talks about relationships. But enough and more has been said about it. Hence I want to focus on the possibility of a second chance each one is capable of giving the other in a relationship.

How often have you ended up in a situation where you misbehaved with your partner to an extent that you made him or her feel that it is not worth living with you anymore? The affected party in such situations have two options ahead. The easier option will be to decide that your partner is not worth to share your life with even for another day. Quite a few take this decision and find the ‘easy way out’ of the relationship. But I really want to talk about the others who take up the more challenging option and lead themselves as well as their partner to a more meaningful life in future.

Option two is where you give a second chance to the one who inflicted pain in you. Definitions can be very relative when it comes to severity of mistakes committed to you by your partner. A slap on a face could be an unpardonable offence for someone whereas for others it is pardonable once if they see hope at the end of the tunnel.

Most of the couples in their early years of relationship are truly in a state of ignorance about each other. You will really know someone only when you start sharing the same roof. This state of ignorance, especially during the initial days, leads to behaviours that may easily be misunderstood as non-compatibility by both parties. This is where a second chance stands crucial. It is absolutely essential to realize that these initial misunderstandings, if amicably resolved on time, will lead to something very beautiful.

Still doubtful? Ask this question to any of your loved ones who had been married for a few years. During the initial years of marriage were there incidents that made them believe that they had to call it quits? Ask them if they could even imagine taking the first option and if so what would’ve happened? I am pretty sure the answer will be all the beautiful moments they experienced together as a couple till date happened only because either of them gave a second chance to the other.

Giving a second chance to your partner isn’t a bad thing but it is equally important that the recipient learns to respect this decision. It requires mutual effort to ensure that the second chance is utilized in its right spirit and more importantly understand that there isn’t a third chance!

May you have the grace to provide a second chance to a loved one, if required and the ability to accept the fact that you are now given an opportunity to make things better! 

No Vs Know

We recently went on a vacation to a beach destination. The place we stayed was a lovely house situated right on top of a steep hill overlooking the lovely blue-green waters of Indian Ocean. After getting refreshed, we got out to explore the nearby places. Mia, our little one, was all excited that the steep slope down the hill was something she didn’t pay much attention to. She rushed to the slope and before we could even stop her, had a painful fall. It took a while for us to pacify her. But the fighter spirit in her didn’t let the fall drench the spirit of adventure and the trip went on to become a huge hit!

A few days later, we were back home from vacation and were walking to the parking lot to take the car out. There was a slope that led to the parking lot and Mia was running towards the car. Quite naturally I stopped her by saying, “Don’t you remember what happened during the trip? You’ll fall again”. She looked into my eyes and made a statement that literally left me with a profound thought. She said, “But Appa, I now know how to walk carefully on a slope.”

These are the times when your so-called wise brain gets a shock treatment from a tiny brain as little as a four year old one. It really sends an electrifying pulse to your brain that you have no choice but to sit and think about it. How many times have we stopped a dear one from doing something for the fear of them getting hurt? How many times have these resulted in them losing an opportunity to learn and overcome a fear factor? In fact our action of stopping someone from doing something due to our fear is in fact instilling fear in them as well. If they yield to our request, it is highly likely that they’ll never do that ever in their life, especially if this happens in their childhood.

I’m not generalising. I know quite a few people who have dared their loved ones to go beyond the comfort zones and get themselves experience what’s beyond usual. But if you are someone who set a limit to our dear ones, knowingly but at times unknowingly, we need to be aware that this results in them not getting moulded to overcome the challenges in life.

I remember a cousin brother of mine who was crazy about Navy that he got himself enrolled in a defence academy. One of the initial drills they had was being taken to the open sea on a naval ship. As soon as the ship reached the outer sea, they were asked to jump into the wild waters. Those who showed reluctance were mercilessly thrown into the sea and were left to experience how life will be for a Navy personnel.

While we do not necessarily have to be ruthless as the Navy, the question from my little one was a jolt for me to think differently. I realized the need to unlearn a few things I’ve been following. I really need to give my loved ones the space to learn and succeed than to stop them from doing something and be a perennial failure from not attempting the task.

The attitude becomes so positive when we let people ‘know’ something than saying ‘no’ to them which by nature is quite negative. Having said that, we need to make sure that we don’t cloud our common sense and let our loved ones go into dangers that are evident. The point is to realize the fact that we have a responsibility to make our dear ones experience certain aspects of life and not to deny them an opportunity to make their personalities better.

We all are what we are today, due to someone taking such decisions way back in the past. It could be our parents, teachers, siblings or friends who influenced us one way or other to either stop doing something or jump into and get the experience yourself.

Hence on this Valentines month, here is a warm wish to each one of us to extend our love to dear ones to let them experience what they rightfully should all the while keeping an eye on the boundary of risk by applying our common sense. 

Age no bar

One of the most common terms you see in a traditional matrimonial advertisement is ‘Age no bar'. It is a declaration of zero conditions regarding the age of a potential future partner. While this is to find a possible match, I was fortunate to witness another flavour of ‘Age no bar’ during my school days. This time it was all about love, the love I was quite lucky to see between my dearest uncle and aunt.

Chittappa, that’s what we call dad’s younger brother in Malayalam and Chittamma for his wife. This was a time when internet slowly started making its presence felt in the houses in our town in Kerala. Chittappan and family were settled in US. One of those days, Chittappan had to travel alone to India. It was quite unusual to see them not being together since they were seldom seen apart when they travelled.

Chittappan that day, reached our home after a tiring flight. He freshened up and got me to connect the internet for him. Soon Chittamma was online on Yahoo Chat, one of the widely used chat engines those days. Voice chat was yet to be common and hence Chittappan had to type the statements in the chat window.

Let me give you a social background in Kerala while this was happening. I’m talking about a Kerala that was 25 years back. Those were the times when most parents very rarely expressed their love openly for each other. Words of love were hardly spoken, especially in public between the father and mother. I don’t really recollect my parents giving a hug in public. Any behaviour otherwise were not among the accepted norms in our society then.

While such a social behaviour existed, it won’t be an exaggeration if I say I was absolutely stunned when I saw the words Chittappan typed on the chat window. It was that time of the year when jackfruit was available in plenty in Kerala. As expats they must have shared a special love towards this fruit since it wasn’t that common in US. He asked her, “Chakka venodi chakkare” literally translated as “Do you need jackfruit darling”?

It may sound quite silly to be surprised at so simple a statement. But honestly, it was one of the biggest shockers of my life that someone who were of my parents’ age can speak like this publicly. It was something short of a taboo in a society where I lived. That day, I guess, changed my perspective about life. A realization of the meaning of love hit me hard. Chittappan and Chittamma, through their expression of love taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life. There is no age limit for love and more importantly do not hold yourself back from expressing your love to a dear one!

They were one of the earliest love birds I’ve seen. They taught me the happiness of being together. In a world when people get scared to be in a commitment let alone getting married, Chittappan and Chittamma were God sent real life examples for me to strongly believe in the beauty of a married life. The joy of the life they shared always reflected in the smiles they adorned. I’ve never seen either of them walking around with a frown. They appeared to me in a perennial state of bliss.

The flow of life is such that two distinct streams of water join hands in Holy Matrimony and flow together as one river. The love for each other nourishes the banks of this river thereby sharing the happiness they experienced with others. I’m so thankful to God that I’ve been a recipient of such endless love from a very beautiful river that flowed through my life.

A couple of weeks back, Chittappan slightly changed his course to join his Creator leaving behind a legacy along with Chittamma for an entire generation to learn and live on in the spirit of love.

May you all be blessed in this New Year with the presence of such wonderful people who enrich our lives while they are around and even after that!

The Mind Scale

It is almost that time of the year when some of us start doing a retrospection of our life in the last year. We look for what went well and what didn’t. There are few others among us who believe that such an exercise is futile and don’t even bother to invest time in this. This has always been an ongoing debate and could very well be a topic of discussion by itself. Let me not attempt that now. Instead I want to take a look at two distinct personalities among us when it comes to decision making.

Think about this scenario. Someone you know, a family member or a colleague asks you to do an activity. It could be a favour or an action you are asked to do. What is your natural way of responding to such a request? As soon as you are faced with the query, do you respond immediately? Alternately do you try to weigh the pros and cons of the question before even attempting a response? All of us belong to either of these categories.

There are some of us who are super quick with our response. This is a double edged sword. A quick response results in quick decisions. When the decision turns out to be beneficial for both the parties, it can be perceived as a positive decision. But this need not necessarily be the case always. There could be times when rushing to a decision will lead to unwarranted commitments from your side. You may not even have thought through all possible effects of your decision. Since you have given a commitment, you are now left with only two choices. You will be forced to fulfil the promise by taking a hit on your time or budget. Else you will have to go back on your word citing practical difficulties. Both leaves a bitter aftertaste.

The smarter ones do things differently. The moment they are faced with a decision making situation, something deep down in their mind gets activated. There is a mental weighing scale that comes alive in such situations. They’ll promptly put the pros and cons for the request or demand on the scale. A series of magical calculations does a fly past in their mind while they analyse all possible options. A well informed conclusion or decision is reached at the end of this exercise which is promptly communicated to the person who put the request forward. The benefit of this approach is a solid decision which they rarely have to change. If at all someone needs to change, it is usually the person who raised the request who’ll possibly need to make the required amendments.

Most often these difference in personalities are attributes of an individual. You could be born with these or could have inherited it. What is important is to realize the category you belong to. More importantly do an exercise to figure out what was your course of action when you faced such decision making situations in the past. How did you respond? Did you belong to the quick decision category or informed decision category? Did you face any challenges with the decisions you took or was it a cake walk? Did you ever have to go through a lot of pain to fulfil your promise or even had to go back on your words on a second thought? Did you ever tell yourself that you could’ve waited for some time before giving that commitment to someone? If you answered yes, then you may want to consider learning from those people who take informed decisions and apply it very well.

May this festive season help us reflect on our personalities and lead us to understand our decision making skills better. If required, may you be blessed with the courage to bring in the change required so that all your future decisions will be formed and received well!

Wish you all a Merry Christmas!  

Love: Conditions don’t apply!

“Do you have any difficulty there? Is everything ok?” This was one of the first questions my grandpa used to ask my sweetheart every time we spoke with him over the phone. He was genuinely concerned about the fact that we stayed far away from home in a place where people spoke a language that was different from our mother tongue. We used to stay in Bangalore then. It didn’t matter to grandpa that it was just an overnight journey from Bangalore to Changanacherry, my home town. For him we were in alien land and was truly worried about us. We were quite fortunate to have experienced his love, the one that held us together through thick and thin.

I’d seen my grandpa expressing similar concerns towards everyone in the family. He never differentiated between those who are from the family as against those who came into the family. He was teaching us a very valuable lesson through his expression of love. Family survives on a fundamental truth. Love needs to be expressed in a form that is truly unconditional. The moment you introduce conditions for love then you’ll never be able to love everyone in the family in the same manner.

In fact, unconditional love comes naturally for most parents towards their kids. Having said that it is also a common phenomenon to have a favourite son or daughter for many parents. Even then, most parents share their love among their children in a pretty uniform manner. The times when situations in family could get delicate is when the children start a family of their own. The equations tend to change in some cases. This is exactly where the earlier incident citing grandpa’s wisdom commands a respect.

There could be reasons plenty for parents’ behaviour to have variation in expression of love towards the children and their family. Right from social acceptance of the new relatives to proximity of residences as well as personality differences of son-in-law or daughter-in-law can cause the parents to behave differently. The elder ones in the family tend to understand this differentiation and either reacts to it or in many cases decides to swallow the bitter pill. The affected parties in the whole picture are the grandchildren. Their innocent minds do not understand why their cousins get a special treatment while they get grossly ignored.

It is also a fact that not all children in a family tend to be at similar levels of independence. There could be certain children needing emotional and financial backing that the parents generally provide an additional level of support in all respects, emotionally, physically and financially. What they don’t realize in such cases is the fact that, lesser affected children while they may not need any financial support, still yearns for the same amount of support for their emotional needs. All they ask for is to be loved unconditionally.

While the story of unconditional love progresses between parents and the family of children, there is a different face to this whole story. This is the version that is generally seen in a family where the husband or wife display favouritism towards their respective families. This is an unfortunate state of affairs for the affected family. When you say ‘I do’ you accept both the families as your own. Your spouse’s parents should be as dear to you as your own parents. Any act of demeaning or reducing the significance of your better half’s family is nothing but injustice.

What couples need to realize is the fact that your spouse’s family is the primary mould in which he or she was created. Their behaviour and nature are driven predominantly by the manner in which they were brought up. Your in-laws have an unparalleled influence on your spouse’s personality. Hence it is not your merit that you ended up liking your better half, instead due credit must be given to the family that made them what they are.

Hence it is absolutely critical to acknowledge and show respect both ways by parents as well as the children to their respective families. Finding a suitable partner for your kids should not be the end of story for parents. Same applies to those who got married to the one they fell in love. Your match making will truly be blessed only when you learn and accept each other along with their family. May you have the wisdom to extend a heart full of warmth not just to your loved ones but their loved ones as well! 

The U-Turn

We planned and executed our first ever family trip to Europe last year. Switzerland was one of the dream destinations we included in our itinerary. While planning the trip, we shortlisted a few locations to visit in this beautiful piece of heaven. One such location was Isenfluh, a lesser known scenic place among the countless exotic destinations in this country. Google gave such magnificent images of Isenfluh that, not including this among our places to visit, was absolutely unthinkable. Thus we started our trip with Isenfluh as a definite stop among the locations to cover in Swiss.

After visiting a couple of other places in our itinerary we finally reached the Swiss Alps. On the way back from a famous hill station we spotted a tiny wooden board pointing to the left with the name ‘Isenfluh’ written on it. The road was narrower, compared to its counterparts in the country. We entered the road and immediately found a stark difference in the design of traffic. While the number of vehicles were quite less we had to navigate through a two-way traffic with no divider separating the road and the left border grazing the deep valleys of Alps!

Being a first time driver in Europe and having all our lives in my hands, I started the drive up the winding paths of the mighty mountain with a shiver down the spine! The only thing that still motivated us to go ahead was the fact that the images we saw earlier in Google slowly started to become a reality.

Further up the hill, a tunnel awaited us which looked quite spooky. This was unlike numerous other tunnels that we passed through in this nation were every other mountain seemed to have been cut through to create a passage. The tunnel was built in its most natural form with the mountain chipped away to create the path and is devoid of any structural reinforcement with concrete. The eerie feeling was complimented with a board that welcomed us at the mouth of the tunnel announcing the age of the passageway as more than a century old.

The lighting inside the tunnel was also less than others that we saw in Swiss. It was either designed that way to provide the commuters with a unique sort of an experience while the stark reality remained right in front of our eyes about the space crunch inside the tunnel where it was quite an effort to give way to a vehicle that came from the opposite direction. After what seemed to be an endless drive through a scary pathway we literally saw the light at the end of the tunnel!

A mesmerizing view of Alps greeted us at the exit of the tunnel that left us short of breath and we literally stood there absorbing the beauty of this awesome creation of God! Soon we realized that it was not just the beauty that left us with less air to breathe, but was also the combination of altitude that we climbed and the fear that intensified even more through that narrow path around the tiny stretch of mountain side. That was the exact moment when a bigger car took quite a sharp turn at the already narrow road and literally pushed us right to the edge of the cliff! It was indeed a narrow escape.

We stopped the car for a moment and took a deep breath to absorb the gravity of what just happened. While the majesty of Alps that surrounded us was too enticing and as a seductress lured us into her open arms, we took a very hard decision that very instant not to proceed further! We clicked a couple of pictures to capture the moment for eternity and with great difficulty managed to take a U-turn to return to safer plains.

This was a defining moment that reminded us of certain points in our lives where we need to stop and think if it is truly worth proceeding. If your conscience tells you that the way ahead is quite dangerous to the extent of being life threatening, do not hesitate to take a U-turn. It may be an opportunity lost, but putting at stake the lives of your loved ones does not justify even the greatest of temptations in this mortal world!

May you be blessed with the courage to take informed decisions in such moments of truth. 

Fall in love... gracefully!

Here is one of the most widely circulated jokes about marriage:

“Getting married is like buying a new phone. After a while you get a feeling that you should have waited for a better model"!

Though the above joke is one in bad taste, the truth remains that most people after sometime of being married tend to question themselves of the big decision they took. If there is someone who had not experienced this, he or she must either be a saint or not lived under the same roof right after they got married. It is quite natural that this happens and don’t get worked up if you are one who had these thoughts or are having them at present.

There is one big difference though between a phone and your spouse. The model of the phone you bought is a fixed one and will never get better with time. Whereas your spouse is an evolving model, the one for which the best is yet to be seen. What more, their best is in fact in your hands! The key is for you to realize that the power of making the relationship work is in your thoughts itself!

Never ever have the impression that this is a challenge only for newly married couples. Every couple go through something similar once a while though in varying degrees. When it comes to newbies it is just the lack of experience that makes the situation look more challenging.

One of the biggest mistakes many of us make when we face this situation is letting the mind have a free run. We let our thoughts go wild and attribute all possible reasons to why the relationship is strained and why it won’t work. What we underestimate is the power of our mind. It is a double edged sword where our thoughts marry our behaviour. The more frequent and constant our thoughts are, higher the chances are for our mind to consider that as the truth.

A double edged sword perhaps is one of the most dangerous weapons. Don’t use it right, you may risk getting yourself killed! Master it, you won’t need any other weapon. So how do we use this power of mind to our advantage? The secret is to fall in love, gracefully, to the same person whom you find difficult to accept. You won’t be able to do this alone and will need the help of a mutual friend of yours, ‘time’. Use that wisely along with reassuring yourself that things will change. Nothing remains constant for ever. Shower yourself with positivity that drains out all those negative emotions that surround you. Do something that your partner loves even when you may not appreciate it. Learn to walk a different path though it may be challenging.

Do these for a while. Before you even know you'll notice a significant change in your chemistry. The mighty dislikes in the past will start looking like insignificant nothings. The hatred you had gives way for sheer happiness. Concerns on longevity of your marriage becomes a thing of the past. All these tell you only one thing. You have fallen in love! Trust me, it indeed is a blessing to experience this beautiful feeling.

While it seems easy to preach the thought, practising something like this is a huge task in itself. Hey! Who ever said it is easy to learn the double edged sword?

The Purse Holder

I received an interesting message on one of the WhatsApp groups the other day. The message said money has different names based on the context. For example, money is called offering at church, fees in school, tax for government etc. It ended with the question, “When a man gives money to his wife what do we call it?” I gave it a thought and before sending a response I showed the message to my seven year old son. Promptly came his answer. His said ‘sharing’. Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better answer!

When it comes to a family united through marriage, one of the key factors that will form the basis of everyday living is the cash flow. The obvious question that gets raised many a times is, who is the purse holder? I do not plan to prescribe a recommended way of money management here. All what I intend to do is share a point of view. As the case is with a few other sensitive areas in marriage, this is a decision which couples need to take with a lot of prudence.

The concept of bread-winner associated with men of the family has become a matter of history in many of the families we see around. Women in the past were either not allowed to learn or earn. This obviously led to the man of the family being the sole earning member. Some men associated the earning potential to a sign of power and demanded that they have the final say on the family spend. There were others who literally outsourced the management of finance to their wives and only considered them as mere bread-winners and were least interested in managing the distribution of resources.

Both the approaches mentioned above had its own flaws. The former was quite chauvinistic whereas the latter befriended lethargy. A middle-line seems more acceptable especially in today’s families where earning member is still one person. This is all the more important since the member who remained non-earning is due to their choice than by design.

Most of the families today where women choose to take a break from work due to parental responsibilities do that out of a choice they made for the family. This doesn’t make them any less important than the earning men of these families. In fact their decision needs to be respected even more since if they had decided otherwise the men in these families would’ve never been able to celebrate Father’s Day!

The important fact that needs to be remembered and understood by a couple is that money earned by one or both, is the money earned by the family as one unit. The amount does not belong to the person, instead it belongs to the institution called family. The family members have equal rights on the amount. It is only incidental that one chose to work and the other chose to be a home maker. One is not a premium service than the other. Both these vocations have their own sets of challenges and we’ve heard enough and more stories of how men are known for belittling the volume of work done by the home makers. A true man will always see him at par with his wife and never at different levels of value chain in the family.

There are different ways to ensure that the non-earning member of the family is equally empowered when it comes to the matter of money. Getting supplementary bank cards, maintaining a home purse and ensuring a constant supply of cash, sharing the banking and cash management channels with each other and ensuring transparency in every bit of cash spent are a few tips that can work well to maintain a balance between the parties.

The approach could be slightly different in families receiving two sources of income. A few families I know have decided to use one of the sources for daily expense and the other one is saved totally for investments. There could be many such different ways of money management.

We all need to sit and think which approach suits us the best and implement the method as long as we learn to appreciate the fact that the purse is held by both the parties and together we are responsible for what goes out from it. May you be blessed with the judiciousness for spending well for your families! 

Idly-Vada @ 45 miles

Exactly a decade back, with all the excitement in the world I stepped on to the soil of Atlanta for my first ever on-site assignment in life. Accommodation was arranged in a beautiful duplex house where I had a studio flat for myself! Considering the bare-minimum-living experience till that date, I couldn’t ask for more. It was sheer luxury! Soon I started getting adjusted to the American way of life which was the case to be for the next three months. As days passed, deep down in me I could feel a craving building up. There was one thing missing among all the glory, our very own Indian food!

I had enough of all the junk I was having day-in day-out. Soon I realised that a few members in my team shared the same feeling. We all have been longing to taste the delicacies from the good old cuisines of India. Somehow we figured out the presence of Saravana Bhavan, a well-known restaurant famous for South Indian specialities. The GPS in the car warned us about a long ride of 45 miles. We were determined.

Soon enough we parked next to what looked like heaven to all of us. The aroma of idly and dosa filled the air. Never in our lives have we noticed eyes sparkling with the sight of tiny bowls of chutney and sambar. We all ate to our hearts’ content and returned home as a bunch of happiest young minds. The 90 miles journey that day, was worth every moment though till then I never imagined that one day I’ll travel a distance such as this to savour one of the simplest of the dishes in India’s wide range of cuisines.

Looking back, the trip that we did years back reminded me of a valuable lesson in life. As cliché as it may sound, a pair of idly and vada taught us that there is no challenge in life that we can’t overcome if we are ready to push ourselves that extra mile. How many times in our lives we might have given up on something stating it is too difficult a task? How many fights we would’ve had with our loved ones saying it is not possible? How many opportunities would we’ve let go saying it is too far-fetched for me? All these are the moments which if we stretched ourselves a little more would’ve helped us relish the fruits of our labour.

I recollect a recent conversation at a social gathering by a friend who said you could be happy and write all these as long as you don’t have to face issues in life. All what I wanted to tell that friend is, God has not placed us on an altar preventing all the challenges from reaching us. Instead, we’ve our fair share of issues that we faced in the past and we continue to face challenges every other day. It is a combination of prayers, love and care that guides us forward, especially during trying times.

Happiness is not a constant natural state of mind. It is the result of our efforts we put in, just the way we drove 45 miles to get idly and vada. It is important that we consciously take an effort every day in our life and for sure it will return us the investment in the form of happiness. No one other than us can continue to create the magic of happiness in our life. Many a times these extra efforts we put in is more like a long term financial investment. We may not see an immediate result but for sure will see the result soon if we are patient enough. When it comes to investing in relationships, at least we can clearly be happy that our waiting time won’t be that long as the usual market funds.

Remember this always, when the going gets tough there is always a plate of happiness waiting for you at a distance. You just need to reach out for it and experience the bliss though it may seem an impossible thing to achieve.

God bless! 

Drops of life

It was meant to be a special day. I woke up with lots of happiness and was all set for many beautiful moments. Destiny, I didn’t know, had different plans. A few minutes later I was to drop and break a glass bottle and let the sharp edge explore the depth of my upper palm. I could see myself trying everything possible from applying ice to pressing hard on the cut to stop the bleeding. The blood seemed to be in no mood to stop. It was quite early in the morning and I guess that made the clotting process slower.

I started to get worried. Images of me getting drained of the precious drops of life and blanking out before I could reach out for help started doing rounds in my mind. I could even see a faint image of a tombstone at the very end of my imagination. Weird are the ways of human brain.

As the blood flow continued and my imaginations working overtime, I could see something else happening. Along with the stream of blood that was flowing I could see a few other emotions getting drained as well. I could see a tiny ego that I developed against my sweetheart for something she said the other day, peeping out and dropping to the floor along with the drops of blood, hitting head first.

I could see the times I spent worrying about insignificant nothings finding its destiny along with the ego earlier.

I could see the challenges in my faith getting totally wiped out along with those tiny drops of life and me getting closer to my Creator.

I could see the uncertainties in life telling me clearly that this is the moment of truth and I need to learn to live in the now than worrying about tomorrow.

I could see the faces of those in office or otherwise against whom I held grudges, smiling at me and saying that it doesn’t matter anymore.

I could also see all those times I said no to my kids and how it could’ve been better if I had spent more time with them.

Many more such moments did a parade right in front of my mind’s eye. Before I totally drained myself off these life defining moments and life giving drops, I called my wife. She swiftly came and applied the first aid procedures as required. Soon enough the bleeding stopped!

She looked at me and heard the whole story. I am yet to figure out the barrage of emotions that crossed her face.

Nevertheless she looked at me with loads of empathy and asked me to get ready to go to a nearby hospital.

She then came closer and whispered in my ear, Happy Birthday!

That’s the moment I realized how a special day almost turned into a nightmare. All the more important was the fact that life reminded me of the need to clear my emotional debts.

May this day help you think of the emotional debts you would’ve accumulated and take steps to clear them before it is too late!

God bless.

Feel the pain

A tiny pouch that contained tablets and ointments that could be used for ailments ranging from minor cuts to allergic cold. This was the medical kit I remember carrying since my school days which I reached out to every time I faced a difficulty. There was a medical solution for all the physical problems I ever had to endure. Years later, I came across a friend of mine who had a policy exactly opposite of what I had. He’ll touch a medicine only if he thinks he is going to die! He led a healthy life based on a combination of rest, natural remedies and drinking lots of water.

I was quite inspired by my friend and decided to give it a try. Needless to say it was quite a challenge not to reach out to the medical kit in order to relieve my body of a pain by popping in a tiny tablet. Pain in all forms started screaming to my brain to reach out to the medicines each time when there was a feeling. It must have been quite a struggle for my brain cells to overcome the feeling of addiction to such medicines as against the alternate ways of treatment that can still help in alleviating the agony. Though I’ve not been fully successful I am quite happy to tell you that there is a significant reduction in my medicine intake from the day when I tried to tame my brain to alternate pain relievers than depending on the tablets.

Apply this thought to our daily life. We all face pains in many forms and shapes every day. These could be in the form of issues with our partners, arguments with our parents, struggles with our kids and conflicts with our bosses to name a few. Let us ask ourselves this question. What is the practice that we follow for easing the pain? Do we take a shortcut and swallow a bitter pill of distress or do we take an alternate route of tolerance that leads us to a path relieved of pain? The choice is ours.

If we choose to reach out to the kit that has an instant solution through a shortcut we may possibly get rid of the pain, but a bitter aftertaste will remain as a part of our life. Alternately if we let ourselves feel the pain and find alternate ways of reducing it, I’m sure it’ll be an experience of a life time which will leave us with a smile.

The bigger question now is how do we get rid of the pain if not for the shortcut? There isn’t a single answer to this question. Each one of us are blessed differently in finding alternate ways of pain relieving mechanisms. This is possibly a good mental exercise that you could apply. When you are in a relatively pleasant mood, sit down and think of various scenarios mentioned above. More importantly, try to recollect how did you react to each of the situation? Try to create a list of these either in your mind or write them down.

Once you’ve the list ready, think of an alternate way by which you could’ve responded to the situation instead of reacting. As mentioned earlier, each one of us may find different solutions to the same challenge. For some, it could be getting away from the situation so that they can think with a clear head; whereas for others it could be taking a deep breath and starting all over again to see the issue in a different light. In the long run, there are many who believe in the power of exercise and yoga to help them gain better control over their mind to respond in such situations.

Whatever may be the solution you apply, each one of them reminds us of an interesting fact. It is quite important that you feel the pain so that you can think through it rather than evading it by applying a shortcut just to crop up again sometime in future to pester you. Ironic enough, a comparable thought is to a wound that is never healed which gets opened again with every scratch as against another one which you allow to heal completely that won’t bother you ever again!

It is absolutely important to train ourselves not to apply shortcuts, be it in the form of unnecessary medicines for pain or for situations we face every day in our life. May you have the courage to feel the pain and find alternate means that provide us with peace that lasts for a life time!

God bless.

What do you think?

Think about some of these situations in your daily life. You are planning to get dressed for an outing with your family and your wife is deciding on the dress to wear. A few days later you both are at an apparel store to select a new dress for her. A couple of weeks back, your wife was in the process of designing a greeting card. Later during the month she is planning for some of the activities for kids’ school. These are just a few scenarios when my wife will ask me one of the most common questions, ‘What do you think?”

I consider myself lucky to be consulted by my better half for my opinion on numerous occasions, big or small. This simply means that she values my opinion and considers it important to know my perspective before she takes a decision.

Honestly there were times when I got worked up for being asked for so many occasions that sometimes I’ve requested her to decide by herself. I have given it a thought many times about this most common human trait and could reach only one logical conclusion; the age-old theory of ‘social being’.    

Whether we like it or not, we humans are designed as social beings. Our basic nature is to live in a society surrounded by similar living beings. Given this fact, it is all the more important for this social being aspect of humans to play a pivotal role in a family. When you decided together to share your life with each other it is a promise to share everything including your time. Though for the law it is a contract between two parties, for the two souls it is much more than that.

I realized to my happiness that my wife asks me for an opinion not because she is incapable of taking a decision herself. On the contrary, in most of the matters she is more capable than me to take decisions. In fact by asking me for an opinion she boosts my self-esteem, without both of us even knowing it. Behind the scenes, this simple act of reaching out gives a pat on the back for my ego by letting it know that you are in demand. Hence it is all the more important to listen to the question and respond in all honesty.

There is an equally important fact to the other side of the picture. One of the interesting observations I’ve made is that, the opinion I provided may not have been applied exactly the way I prescribed. I’ll be deceitful to myself if I say I was never miffed at this. Having said that, I’ve learned to accept it, since this is what I was referring to earlier as the other side of the picture.

Asking an opinion does not mean asking for a decision. Your opinion may or may not be acceptable for your dear ones. Accepting your opinion does not make it more valuable than the rejected ones. The opinion you shared, whether liked or disliked by the other party does not change the status of your opinion. You should gracefully acknowledge the end result irrespective of the opinion you provided. That nurtures the positive relationship between two equal minds.

One of the key things that will make a difference is to be absolutely truthful when you are asked for an opinion. You are being asked not just for an opinion but also to know the truth. In a genuine relationship, there is no place for pretentions. The only care that you may want to apply is the way you put across your opinion, especially if you want to communicate something unpleasant. You can go on admiring the beauty of a rose flower on a stem, but cannot keep mum about the sharp spines that could hurt! Being truthful sometimes could be painful, but being dishonest can be quite lethal.

Next time, someone asks you for an opinion, imagine your ego getting a high-five and revert to the query with your honest and valuable response.

So, what do you think?

Learner for life

A few years back I was at home during a vacation showing my new ‘smart phone’ to my dad and brother. While I was walking them through the new features of the phone, my grandpa, who was in his early nineties came across and listened to me. I was quite surprised to see him more curious and way more inquisitive than my dad and brother put together! He in fact showed a lot of interest in how modern day technology helps in connecting people and how smart phones are meant to change the way we live.

This was not the first time he asked me questions about what’s happening in the world around and expressed interest about latest happenings. I distinctly remember the days in the past when a shiny silver-black radio, the size of a shoe box, which used to come to life everyday afternoon exactly a few seconds before 1 o’clock. That was when my grandpa switched the radio on to listen to the news broadcast of the day in Malayalam from the only radio station available then, All India Radio or better known as Akasha Vani.

News from radio was not the only source for him. He used to interact quite frequently with the regulars he met during his routine morning walk. The daily visits to church and the discussions with the clergy as well as folks there added to the world of information around him. This was well supported by a detailed reading of one of the well-known newspapers in Malayalam named ‘Deepika’. It was so detailed an activity that there will be hardly a word left unread by the time he puts the paper down.

He was indeed a scholar with all these sources feeding him valuable information day-in day-out, though with his father’s untimely demise, he had to stop his formal education with ‘4^th Form’ which, in the pre-independence era of 1920s, was equal to high school today. What classified him was his perpetual passion to know what’s new in the world every day and can be rightly called a ‘learner for life’!

I consider myself lucky enough to have lived during his lifetime to see such an undying spirit exhibited by a man who went on to cross the magical number of 100 years in a lifetime. It is a lesson for many of us who tend to be contended with the formal bit of learning we have in our early stages of life. After this we spend time in ‘earning’ and quite naturally ‘learning’ takes a back seat. With the advent of social media though there are enough and more that comes to us even without being asked, the question that is relevant today is how much of that constitute ‘real learning’?

While our parent’s generation is relatively lucky, I’m quite sure that we and our next generation are not that fortunate to avoid the clutches of this social media driven ‘learning’. The very nature of this sort of learning provides less of valuable insights and more of junk which adds no substantial benefit to our grey matter that includes the regions of the brain involved in memory, speech, decision making and self-control among other vital functions.

While I pen this down, I’m well aware of the fact that I’m no exception to the sharpened claws of social media learning. Having said that I whole-heartedly appreciate my dear ones for alerting me of this social media evil that is spreading its wings around me that literally makes me learn less every day. I definitely need to trace my steps back to the days of my grandpa who taught me with his life the value of real learning. Without this, all of my education how much ever great that be, will be totally futile.

Here is an honest appeal to each one of you to reflect upon yourself and your ways of real and useful learning. Ask yourself, when was the last time you really learned something new that truly added value to your grey matter. How many of us can really say that our time spent in the few hours that we are awake every day is effectively spend in learning and not just feeding junk to our brains?

Stop. Introspect. Change.

God bless! 

The Toughest Lesson

It was one of the coldest and darkest of the December mornings with the sky appearing to take revenge on mankind with a very heavy downpour. I tried to save whatever heat I could by clinging on to my dear blanket and hugging my pillow even more. I must have been in grade five or six then. I heard the old clock in my grandpa’s room striking five and shortly after that I heard the main door of our home making a creaking noise. With stories from Phantom and Mandrake the Magician running at the back of my mind, I suddenly smelled a sense of adventure!

With some effort and lots of courage I crawled out of my bed and walked into the hall which was quite dark. The mirror in the room shared a faint reflection of the leaves of papaya tree that stood in our backyard. The dim street light in a pocket road next to my home gave an eerie feeling to the whole morning. The door creaked again.

I peeped into the drawing room where the main door stood and saw the figure of a man clad in white T-shirt and a cotton wraparound with a head gear covering the ears. He had an umbrella as well in his hand. Before even I could speak a word he promptly got out and plunged into the rain giving me an illusion of almost disappearing into the darkness! That was my grandfather going out for his usual morning walk, a routine that he followed till an age when his legs could carry him!

Walking was just one of them. He had many more such regular practices in life which he followed quite strictly. Eating on time, sleeping early and catching-up on the newspapers daily were a few among them. All of these and many more were religiously followed by him that the days in my grandpa’s life can be a textbook with pages that showed up as photocopies.

Today, we are living in a world where life is changing at a pace where we aspire to do things differently every other moment. This picture perfect life led by my grandpa now appears to me more like a fantasy. While I would like to classify this as a lesson from a centenarian, perhaps this is one of the toughest one as well. Modern day lifestyle coupled with lethargy makes it quite a challenge for following something as rigorous as this routine. Nevertheless I would prefer to highlight this as one of the most inspiring lessons from my grandpa.

It indeed is a challenge to practice such a lifestyle but with the kind of news we hear around us with respect to health and wellbeing I believe it becomes all the more important to learn from such a life. Our sedentary way of life is one of the primary reasons for many of the ailments we suffer today. The only way out is to make up our mind to kick out the lethargy and find at least 30 minutes in a day, if not more, to involve in a physical activity that will make our body and mind engaged. Initiatives such as Fitness Challenge by the Crown Prince of Dubai is meant to make us aware of the need for this in our life today.

While I have not been doing justice fully to such initiatives I strongly subscribe to the thought that I should really be following some of these learnings from yester years so that it adds value to my everyday life. It is not just our health that becomes better, but the overall quality of life improves with such positive changes that are brought in.

A mere thought may not be sufficient for us to be motivated to do something as challenging as this. What helps many I learned is to set a target which can be achievable and work towards it. It could be something in lines of losing certain number of kilos or comfortably getting into that tight dress in your wardrobe or so.

May we all find that spirit to pull us out of our laziness and push us forward to a healthier and brighter life!

God bless. 

Threshold of expenses

I’ve fond memories of a well spent childhood in our ancestral home built by my grandpa seventy years back. Among the many traditions followed, one I distinctly remember is the annual practice of getting a little bit of pocket money from elders during major church festivals. It was called ‘Perunnal Podi’. While my parents and relatives were generous with the amount, the experience was quite different when it came to getting the amount from my grandpa.

I learned a lot on negotiation skills and bargaining to say the least during these times. Most often it ended up with a win-win situation since I was the only one in the family who was successful in getting whatever amounts I managed from my grandpa. Though the effort didn’t justify the result, getting two Rupees from him was hailed as one of the greatest achievements in my life. Do note that this was a considerable amount for a school going kid especially when you know the fact that these were the times when a mint flavoured candy costed just five Paisa!

Born in 1913, less than a year before World War One started and having lived a blessed life of more than a century, my grandpa has literally seen it all! He had been through both the World Wars and more importantly the great depression of 1930s. Add to this, his father’s untimely death while my grandpa was just a fifteen year old teenager left him in charge of a large family with two recently married sisters and two younger brothers. They had a thriving business with a favourable-on-books financial status where people owed them double the amount of money than the debts they had. But the economic depression broke everyone’s back and many of them couldn’t pay back the amounts owed which forced by grandpa to sell some of his properties and settle his own debts.

This entire experience taught him the value of every single Rupee and that was quite evident in all of his transactions. He literally had an iron grip on his expenses to put it in the nicest possible manner. He used to remind us to be diligent in our expenses each time we ask for money or plan to spend them. This was supplemented with his lifestyle where he hardly created any arena for spending money unnecessarily. He took bare minimum risks when it came to investments and had a strong preference to lead a debt-free life which obviously made him quite comfortable when he hit the bed every night.

Planning the threshold or limits of your expenses is quite a personal decision for each one of us. We could either choose to spend a lot and still be within our budget or could spend a little and save the rest for future investments. Nevertheless there are certain factors to be considered while taking decisions on investments especially the ones that require you to spend from your future income. When you plan the payment for an investment as EMIs you need to ensure that you clearly have an understanding of your income so that the EMIs along with your other expenses don’t leave you high and dry.

If we take a quick stock of the categories of our expenses for a month, some of us could be in for a shock. We might be spending a lot more than we should on certain types of expenses. Be it our shopping or eating out expenses or any other category, we ourselves are the best judges to answer this simple question, ‘Should we be spending so much on this category’?

When you effectively supplement the answer to this question with a planned amount to be spend for that category every month, you’ve already taken your first steps for better planning of your hard earned money. What could be a pleasant surprise is the fact that introducing these checks alone will be enough for you to meet all of your planned expenses and even leave you with an amount as savings.

Once you have optimized your spending limits by applying this check for all your categories of expenses all you need to ensure is that this pattern is followed in your life. Then comes the next logical step. What can be done to increase your income? While for some people both these acts can go in parallel, for others it might be worthwhile to put the checks on the expense first before exploring the options to increase the income. We’ll possibly talk about this some other time.

May you be empowered with the first step to get the threshold of your expenses right and lead a more fruitful and fulfilling life!

God bless.