Kitchen Sink Teacher

I’m sure you must have heard the advice, ‘Couples should settle their disagreements before bed time’. This has been one of the age old pieces of wisdom passed on to us from generations and is supposed to be the mantra of a healthy relationship.

There is no denying of the benefit of this fact, provided you could truly achieve this! Keep aside the theory for a moment. Practically how often did you have a situation in your relationship that you just couldn’t solve the issue between you and your partner before bed time? You ended up sleeping on either ends of the bed or worst case, in different rooms. If you are smiling after reading this, I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Not to worry, this is something every couple in a ‘healthy relationship’ experience at least once (smiles widen here) in their life. What is more interesting is to know what happens the next day morning. Are you sulkier than what you were last night or you really feel refreshed? Can you say the same thing about your partner as well? If either of you don’t feel better, then the issue of last night will most likely get worsened.

If both partners are in fact feeling refreshed in the morning the chances are higher for the issue to be resolved in a few minutes after they are up. Now the question is how do some people achieve this? How can someone who literally fought like cats and dogs a few hours back mend ways and live happily ever after? What is that secret ingredient these people add to their sleep?

I really cannot speak for every one of these magicians out there who does their tricks in different ways. But I can definitely vouch for one such magic which was taught to me by a rather unusual teacher, the kitchen sink!

Have you ever tried to wash a heavily stained dish at home especially towards the end of a tiring day? How much ever hard you scrub it, even with the soap, you’ll find it next to impossible for the utensil to be deprived of the stain. Here is when you’ve two choices, especially when the dish you are trying to clean is testing your patience.

Choice one is to leave the dish in the sink and do nothing. Guess what will await your return to the kitchen next morning? A much more hardened stain for which you’ll possibly need a Himalayan effort to clean up.  

Choice two is what smarter people do. You take a deep breath and tell the dish that we’ve seen this and more. Once you get the psychological advantage over the dish, then you add a bit of dish wash liquid and fill the dish with water. Enjoy the beautiful view of bubbles reflecting the true colours of the dish while you head to the bed by leaving the worries at the kitchen door. The next day morning after you return to the kitchen, all what you have to do is swipe the dish with a brush by giving a gentle stroke as you would give to a baby. The dish will be squeaky clean and will reflect your smiling face just like in a mirror!

Bringing you back from kitchen to the rough evening between you and your partner. Just think that the stain on the dish is similar to the fight you had. You’re not able to resolve the issue and you’ve the same choices.

You can decide to leave it dry and make things worse the next day. Alternately both of you tell the fight that we’ve seen this and more. Once this is done, mutually agree that you can solve this issue, but probably need to sleep over it. This is the water and soap which will do the magic just like how it did for the dish. I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see the positivity in you the next day morning when you get up. What you don’t realize is the fact that the stain is nothing but your ego and the mutual agreement is the secret ingredient that helped the ego melt away over the sleep.

All what is left to do is to give each other a quick hug and make up for the fight because love is the strongest emotion mankind ever experienced! 

End of an era

If you lived in India in 1980s or 90s and were old enough to write sentences, you must have used or at least seen something called Inland letters. These were sealable letters with stamps pre-fixed and people used them to communicate with each other by writing on these and posting them in a post box.

As someone born and brought up in Kerala, a small state down south in India, I predominantly used the language of the state called Malayalam. Though my schooling was in English medium, the routine usage of English was very rare and hence my vocabulary also was quite limited.

Having set the context, I now want you to picture this. A sixty year old man who lived in Bombay, present day Mumbai, at that time asking me to write to him regularly in English on Inland letters. Once he receives the letter, he’ll read them and correct my mistakes with red ink and enclose the corrected letter in a cover and affix stamps as required and post them back to my address in Kerala! All of this with just one simple and noble objective of making my English better.

Can you imagine anyone in 21^st Century to be so selfless, go all the way and take pains to help someone to this extend? That, ladies and gentlemen, was my dearest Kochappappan!

Kochappappan, how we affectionately called him, was my grandpa’s brother who hailed from Changanacherry, my hometown in Kerala. Soon after his college days he made Bombay his home. From the time I could recollect, he was always referred as Kochappappan from Bombay! Every year he used to make sure that he kept aside a considerable amount of time to come down to Kerala to visit his brother and relatives.

Unlike many of our other relatives, Kochappappan whenever he visited Kerala used to stay with us for a month or so as we were in the ancestral house along with my grandpa. I always looked forward to receive him at our small railway station in Changanacherry, where he’ll promptly arrive on Jayanti Janata, the express train that came from Bombay which stopped for less than a minute at our railway station.

I used to wait eagerly for Kochappappan’s arrival. One, obviously to meet him and listen to all the stories he had to say about his life and how he was a self-made man. He was the youngest of the five siblings fully aware of the fact that his eldest brother, by grandpa, shouldered the full responsibility of a large family after the untimely demise of their father. Kochappappan was all but a three year old child during the time when he lost his father. As he grew up he was quite keen on reducing the burden on his brother and tried all possible ways to make some money so that he could pay for his fees and other expenses himself rather than depending on his brother. He used to write to various magazines and made a little bit of money that definitely helped him with his plan.

There was one other thing I looked forwarded to his visits.

Kochappappan never came empty handed. He always ensured to carry at least two boxes decorated usually in bright red colour paper with yellow graffiti design on them. The boxes contained a treasure that you could only find in Bombay back then! One of them was Bombay Halwa and other was Bombay Peda. The former was a confectionary which usually came in a variety of colours enriched with nuts and dry fruits and latter was a sweet made of milk. Imagine a time when you could literally see and feel the taste of these wonderful confectionaries only once a year! Something that we who live in this modern day world of expanded markets cannot even dare to imagine!

There are quite a few stories about Kochappappan which I cherish deep down in my heart. The priceless moments spent with him during my childhood is deeply etched as fond memories in my mind and I’m sure will remain there till my last breath. Every time Kochappapan took the train to return to Bombay a feeling of emptiness filled my heart but at the same time the sweetness of waiting for him to come back next year always helped alleviate that pain.

On 26 Oct 2020, Jayanti Janata left for one last time with Kochappappan as the sole passenger for a journey without a return. The train left the station with only one destination, heaven!

May your soul rest in eternal peace dearest Kochappappan and thank you for bringing a big difference in my life with your presence!  

My Shoes Teacher

It had been a while since I bought a pair of leather shoes. So I decided the other day to go ahead and get a pair for myself. I had obviously tried it before buying and was quite happy about it. As expected I started wearing it to office the next day itself.

Day one was all good. The happiness and pride of getting a new shoes reflected fully on my face.

Day two, things started getting a bit prickly on the toes.

Day three, a slight bruise started developing above my heel.

Day four, the bruise gave way to a painful cut.

I started wondering if I did the right thing to buy this shoes. I was pretty sure I did all possible checks before deciding to buy the pair. Thoughts started flowing in of going back to the store to check with them what was wrong with the shoes.

Day five, since I didn’t have another pair to wear, I applied a plaster to the cut and wore the shoes again. It felt good, though still painful.

The story continued for a few more days and before even I realized my cut disappeared. The shoes made me feel so good that I couldn’t even believe that this was the same shoes that was painful for me. Now I can’t imagine going to the office without wearing this pair of shoes!

By reading the story till now, if you have drawn a parallel to a couple in a new relationship, don’t be surprised. While this may not be the case with all relationships, there are quite a few that go through such a strain.

As is the case with a new pair of shoes, everything will appear hunky-dory in the initial days. As the days progress, the couple may start experiencing a strain with respect to their shared life. This is quite natural, just like how the shoes started getting a bit prickly on the toes.

There could be times when the indifferences between the couple may escalate to a level where it turns out to be similar as the bruises or cuts given by the shoes. People at this stage start questioning about the choices they made with their relationship.

But don’t lose hope yet, since just like what happened with the new pair of shoes and your legs, it is only a matter of time before a truce is reached between the couple. There is a catch here though! A plaster on your legs did the trick with the shoes. What is the equivalent for this when it comes to relationships? You need a plaster made of patience and reduced ego.

When a plaster was applied to the bruises and cuts on the leg, it healed itself with time. In an exact manner have patience and give time to the bruises and cuts on your relationship. What appears to be an irreconcilable difference today will prove to be a matter of a simple misunderstanding if you give enough time to reconcile. Complement your patience with the virtue of an ability to reduce your ego. You will be truly surprised to see the wonders that get created in a relationship when you create a healthy mix of these two!

A word of caution though. These are things that every couple go through, new or old. The combination of patience and reduced ego may not come handy right from the beginning of a relationship. It may need to be cultivated as a habit over a period of time. What it requires is a conscious effort and an ardent desire to bring in positive changes to our life.

Just like many other life skills that we learn, this definitely is another life-saving skill that we all need to learn and apply all through our relationships. May you be blessed to acquire the skills of patience and virtue of reduced ego to enjoy a fruitful life together with your sweetheart! 

The Second Chance

‘Ayyappanum Koshiyum’ is a recent Malayalam movie that got released starring Prithviraj Sukumaran and Biju Menon. Soon after the movie got released, a controversy started doing rounds about one of the scenes in the movie. This is the scene where Koshi, the character played by Prithviraj slaps his wife.

Later when a journalist questioned Prithvi on him going back on an earlier promise he made, of never acting in scenes that are outrageous to a woman, he made a very interesting remark. He mentioned that this was the only way to factually represent a problem that exists in our society today even when the parties involved are highly educated. What was even more fascinating was the statement that followed. He said ‘Kannamma’ the character who is the wife of ‘Ayyappan’ hailing from a lesser educated background would’ve walked out of the marriage if it ever happened to her.

You might have guessed where I’m heading to, with this narration. If the guess is that I’ll be touching upon the importance of giving due respect to the women, then guess again! It isn’t that the topic is less important. On the contrary it is one of the most critical topics to be discussed in any forum that talks about relationships. But enough and more has been said about it. Hence I want to focus on the possibility of a second chance each one is capable of giving the other in a relationship.

How often have you ended up in a situation where you misbehaved with your partner to an extent that you made him or her feel that it is not worth living with you anymore? The affected party in such situations have two options ahead. The easier option will be to decide that your partner is not worth to share your life with even for another day. Quite a few take this decision and find the ‘easy way out’ of the relationship. But I really want to talk about the others who take up the more challenging option and lead themselves as well as their partner to a more meaningful life in future.

Option two is where you give a second chance to the one who inflicted pain in you. Definitions can be very relative when it comes to severity of mistakes committed to you by your partner. A slap on a face could be an unpardonable offence for someone whereas for others it is pardonable once if they see hope at the end of the tunnel.

Most of the couples in their early years of relationship are truly in a state of ignorance about each other. You will really know someone only when you start sharing the same roof. This state of ignorance, especially during the initial days, leads to behaviours that may easily be misunderstood as non-compatibility by both parties. This is where a second chance stands crucial. It is absolutely essential to realize that these initial misunderstandings, if amicably resolved on time, will lead to something very beautiful.

Still doubtful? Ask this question to any of your loved ones who had been married for a few years. During the initial years of marriage were there incidents that made them believe that they had to call it quits? Ask them if they could even imagine taking the first option and if so what would’ve happened? I am pretty sure the answer will be all the beautiful moments they experienced together as a couple till date happened only because either of them gave a second chance to the other.

Giving a second chance to your partner isn’t a bad thing but it is equally important that the recipient learns to respect this decision. It requires mutual effort to ensure that the second chance is utilized in its right spirit and more importantly understand that there isn’t a third chance!

May you have the grace to provide a second chance to a loved one, if required and the ability to accept the fact that you are now given an opportunity to make things better! 

Battery Low

‘A real pervert you have become!’

Tony could scoop the sarcasm out of Ann’s voice. ‘Who gave you the license to talk all these nonsense?’ He could easily make out the pseudo seriousness she added to her tone.

‘Your dad and mom, precisely three months back!’ He said. That was when their wedding was officially fixed in the traditional Central Travancore way in Kerala where the culture of arranged marriage still exists at large among the Catholic community. Three months since that lovely day, Tony was on his way from Bangalore, where he worked, to Kottayam, his home. He counted the number of times they met in between. It was exactly eight times and this trip will be his ninth, his lucky number! Two days later they’ll be a couple, officially engaged.

‘This seat is so uncomfortable’, he started complaining. He was seated on the left side towards the back row.

Ann couldn’t hold back her discontent. ‘You truly deserve it! How many times did I remind you last month to book the train tickets? The lazy bum you are. Finally ended up on a State Transport. Now better shut up and enjoy the bus ride.’

He was miffed, but all what he said was, ‘I can see an empty seat behind the driver. Let me check if I could shift there.’  Beep… Beep... Tony saw the alert for low battery. ‘This thing may get switched off soon.’ He told her.

‘Can’t you charge the phone in the bus?’ There was a silence for a while. ‘Hello… Tony, can you hear me?’

‘I forgot the charger.’ That was all what he could manage to say. Silence spoke for her. He didn’t want to provoke her any further and so while shifting to the front seat he quickly changed the topic.

‘Did you think of the destination yet? I’ve told you I’m not into beaches. Why don’t we look at some of the hill stations? It’ll be awesome with the winter chill and a perfect setting for a honeymoon trip.’ Three months were more than enough for them to realize that they were designed quite differently. But somehow they managed to find a middle line.

Decision making came naturally to Ann. ‘Let us settle on Mauritius. You’ll get your mountains and I can enjoy the beaches as well’. By now, Tony had started to develop the skill to differentiate between the arguments he at least has a scope to win and others where he stood no chance. This was a classic case for latter. He conceded without much debate. There was a hidden agenda as well. She agreed to do all the planning and he was super happy that he doesn’t have to break his head for the trip. The fact is she didn’t trust him with the bookings, just the way he goofed up the train booking and ended up travelling on a bus which they both disliked.

Half way through the trip, the bus stopped for dinner. The battery icon lost all its charm and was reduced to a delicate single bar. The conversation continued. She was still confused about deciding on a wedding gown as against a saree. He tried to make informed suggestions, but ended up doing a pathetic job. Attires planning was never his strength. 

Soon after bus left Salem border everyone in the bus was in a deep sleep except for the one soul who was having an awesome time with his sweetheart. The time in between a wedding fixing and actual tying of the knot is purely magical.

‘Hey, you never said anything about meeting tomorrow?’ Tony was getting quite impatient. He could hear her chuckle at the other end of the phone and it was promptly followed by one of the final alerts from the phone announcing a critically low battery.

‘I’m really sorry, Appachan said no more meetings till the engagement is over’. As soon as she said this, his face turned a deep crimson red which could be seen in the blue light of the phone even in the darkness inside the bus.

‘For God’s sake we are in the 21^st century! When will these ever change?’

While Ann could feel his frustration, she almost half wittingly enjoyed the moment since these will never come back to life once they are pronounced man and wife a couple of months from now.

‘Patience dear, patience. Learn to appreciate the value of waiting. I can assure you that the wait will be worth it.’ A mischievous smile found its place on her face as she finished the statement.

Tony lost it and snapped, ‘Your trash can, that’s exactly where this philosophy should rest. I’m going to come over to your place tomorrow, you better be ready’.

‘Tony no! Let us not make a scene at home. You know how much I love to be with you, but this probably is one last time I’ll have to be daddy’s girl’. She pleaded.

‘I’m going to hang up’ Tony was furious and he almost banged the phone to the seat.

That’s exactly when the last bar from the battery icon disappeared and the cabin became completely dark. Ann barely heard his last words but she was sure she heard a loud thud and heard Tony screaming.

Beep... Beep… Beep… The call got disconnected. She tried dialling him. ‘The number you are trying to reach is either switched off or not reachable’. She hit the bed with a smile and soon was in a deep sleep. The beautiful emerald green waters of Mauritius slowly started filling her dreams.

She was up a little late in the morning. She knew that he wouldn’t call her. As always, she kept aside her ego, took her phone and called him. His phone was still switched off. ‘That’s strange’ she thought. ‘He should’ve reached home by now and charged his phone’.

As soon as she walked into the living room, saw the newspaper lying on the sofa. The heading read, “Truck crash into a KSRTC bus from Bangalore, 20 feared dead”.

She had a strange feeling. It felt exactly like the sand disappearing under your feet when the waves recede into the blue green waters of the ocean. 

Age no bar

One of the most common terms you see in a traditional matrimonial advertisement is ‘Age no bar'. It is a declaration of zero conditions regarding the age of a potential future partner. While this is to find a possible match, I was fortunate to witness another flavour of ‘Age no bar’ during my school days. This time it was all about love, the love I was quite lucky to see between my dearest uncle and aunt.

Chittappa, that’s what we call dad’s younger brother in Malayalam and Chittamma for his wife. This was a time when internet slowly started making its presence felt in the houses in our town in Kerala. Chittappan and family were settled in US. One of those days, Chittappan had to travel alone to India. It was quite unusual to see them not being together since they were seldom seen apart when they travelled.

Chittappan that day, reached our home after a tiring flight. He freshened up and got me to connect the internet for him. Soon Chittamma was online on Yahoo Chat, one of the widely used chat engines those days. Voice chat was yet to be common and hence Chittappan had to type the statements in the chat window.

Let me give you a social background in Kerala while this was happening. I’m talking about a Kerala that was 25 years back. Those were the times when most parents very rarely expressed their love openly for each other. Words of love were hardly spoken, especially in public between the father and mother. I don’t really recollect my parents giving a hug in public. Any behaviour otherwise were not among the accepted norms in our society then.

While such a social behaviour existed, it won’t be an exaggeration if I say I was absolutely stunned when I saw the words Chittappan typed on the chat window. It was that time of the year when jackfruit was available in plenty in Kerala. As expats they must have shared a special love towards this fruit since it wasn’t that common in US. He asked her, “Chakka venodi chakkare” literally translated as “Do you need jackfruit darling”?

It may sound quite silly to be surprised at so simple a statement. But honestly, it was one of the biggest shockers of my life that someone who were of my parents’ age can speak like this publicly. It was something short of a taboo in a society where I lived. That day, I guess, changed my perspective about life. A realization of the meaning of love hit me hard. Chittappan and Chittamma, through their expression of love taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life. There is no age limit for love and more importantly do not hold yourself back from expressing your love to a dear one!

They were one of the earliest love birds I’ve seen. They taught me the happiness of being together. In a world when people get scared to be in a commitment let alone getting married, Chittappan and Chittamma were God sent real life examples for me to strongly believe in the beauty of a married life. The joy of the life they shared always reflected in the smiles they adorned. I’ve never seen either of them walking around with a frown. They appeared to me in a perennial state of bliss.

The flow of life is such that two distinct streams of water join hands in Holy Matrimony and flow together as one river. The love for each other nourishes the banks of this river thereby sharing the happiness they experienced with others. I’m so thankful to God that I’ve been a recipient of such endless love from a very beautiful river that flowed through my life.

A couple of weeks back, Chittappan slightly changed his course to join his Creator leaving behind a legacy along with Chittamma for an entire generation to learn and live on in the spirit of love.

May you all be blessed in this New Year with the presence of such wonderful people who enrich our lives while they are around and even after that!

The Mind Scale

It is almost that time of the year when some of us start doing a retrospection of our life in the last year. We look for what went well and what didn’t. There are few others among us who believe that such an exercise is futile and don’t even bother to invest time in this. This has always been an ongoing debate and could very well be a topic of discussion by itself. Let me not attempt that now. Instead I want to take a look at two distinct personalities among us when it comes to decision making.

Think about this scenario. Someone you know, a family member or a colleague asks you to do an activity. It could be a favour or an action you are asked to do. What is your natural way of responding to such a request? As soon as you are faced with the query, do you respond immediately? Alternately do you try to weigh the pros and cons of the question before even attempting a response? All of us belong to either of these categories.

There are some of us who are super quick with our response. This is a double edged sword. A quick response results in quick decisions. When the decision turns out to be beneficial for both the parties, it can be perceived as a positive decision. But this need not necessarily be the case always. There could be times when rushing to a decision will lead to unwarranted commitments from your side. You may not even have thought through all possible effects of your decision. Since you have given a commitment, you are now left with only two choices. You will be forced to fulfil the promise by taking a hit on your time or budget. Else you will have to go back on your word citing practical difficulties. Both leaves a bitter aftertaste.

The smarter ones do things differently. The moment they are faced with a decision making situation, something deep down in their mind gets activated. There is a mental weighing scale that comes alive in such situations. They’ll promptly put the pros and cons for the request or demand on the scale. A series of magical calculations does a fly past in their mind while they analyse all possible options. A well informed conclusion or decision is reached at the end of this exercise which is promptly communicated to the person who put the request forward. The benefit of this approach is a solid decision which they rarely have to change. If at all someone needs to change, it is usually the person who raised the request who’ll possibly need to make the required amendments.

Most often these difference in personalities are attributes of an individual. You could be born with these or could have inherited it. What is important is to realize the category you belong to. More importantly do an exercise to figure out what was your course of action when you faced such decision making situations in the past. How did you respond? Did you belong to the quick decision category or informed decision category? Did you face any challenges with the decisions you took or was it a cake walk? Did you ever have to go through a lot of pain to fulfil your promise or even had to go back on your words on a second thought? Did you ever tell yourself that you could’ve waited for some time before giving that commitment to someone? If you answered yes, then you may want to consider learning from those people who take informed decisions and apply it very well.

May this festive season help us reflect on our personalities and lead us to understand our decision making skills better. If required, may you be blessed with the courage to bring in the change required so that all your future decisions will be formed and received well!

Wish you all a Merry Christmas!  

The Christmas Gift

The school bus stopped right in front of the mansion partially engulfed in mist on that chilly December evening. As she got down, Jessy pulled the cardigan closer to her chest to protect herself from the cold wind. She waved goodbye to her friends and was welcomed back home by the glittering lights that were adding to the celebration scene getting ready for a double delight. Jessy and Jesus shared birthdays! The sentry opened the gate for her and the familiar sight of her beautiful home unravelled in front of her, this time even more beautiful with the lovely lights sparkling all around.

Three luxury cars adorned the main porch, adding to the pomp and glory of the mansion. But to Jessy, there was one eyesore, a car that was parked a bit aside in a dedicated porch. It was an Ambassador painted in yellow and black, the one that was typical of taxis in India in 90’s. This was the only thing about which she fought with her brother John. Even on her last birthday, when she turned fourteen, she asked him as a wish to get rid of the strange car. Her brother as always, with lots of love, promptly turned down this request.

The Ambassador reminded John of his humble beginnings and he wanted to retain it as a sacred memory. There wasn’t anyone else to whom Jessy could complain since from the time she could remember, her brother was the only relative she ever had. There was an old black and white picture of their parents that was prominently placed on the majestic wall of the living room.

Jessy vaguely recollect her past when they did not have all these luxury in their life. It was her brother’s dedication alone that made him the successful business man the town knows today. She still can’t believe that he used to be behind the wheels of the same Ambassador which she hated from the bottom of her heart. If there was one thing her friends ridiculed her for, it was the strange presence of that car right in front of their grand residence.

There was another weird practice in that house associated to this car. During Christmas and her birthday, the house got decorated with lights of all colours except for the porch where the Ambassador stood. The porch will always be decorated with lights shining in bright red colour. There were strict instructions from John to the staff not to use any other colour for this porch. The car and the porch appeared to Jessy as nothing short of a bad omen bathed in red. Jessy had asked him why and this is one mystery for which she never got a convincing answer.

She had made a decision this year. Christmas this time was not going to be the same. She was not going to turn fifteen without changing the bad omen at least as the first step. She’ll bring more happiness by decorating the age old car and porch with bright and beautiful colours than the depressing red. Next step will be to get rid of the car altogether. She had to plan well for this since it was pretty evident that she was treading dangerous waters on this with her brother!

She invited a few of her friends over. Together they plotted a secret plan. ‘Mission Red Devil’ was launched! First they’ll ensure that the red lights got replaced and then they’ll find a way to get rid of the car altogether. For the first objective, they managed to get hold of one of the staff members in the house and convinced him to get them a bunch of multi-coloured lights.

While they were at it, a familiar face of an old man appeared at the gate. Jessy identified him as the second mystery associated with the Ambassador. This man promptly came during Christmas time every year. John took great efforts to receive him and treat him well. They both will be seen talking for a long time and most of the conversations happened right next to the car. He was introduced once to Jessy as an old friend of John who helped in the days when John was driving the taxi. Nothing more was said about him.

Soon John went out with the old man. While they were away, Jessy and friends acted quickly. Within an hour, they applied garlands of light on the porch with every other colour than red. As they plugged in the light, the gate opened. John was received with the shocking view of a brightly lit car porch where the good old Ambassador was covered in a multi-coloured robe. His expression was priceless! All the red that were missing at the porch found its way to his face. He was furious and the girls had never seen him like that. He didn’t say a word except for asking the staff to put the red lights back on.

Jessy dropped her friends back shortly. She returned home, but to a different one than the one she left. It was a dead house. Even the lights that shined did not seem to bring the life that once filled the space. John was sitting right below the picture frame of their parents and looked devastated. Jessy was quite surprised. Was it all because of the lights? Why was it so important that the change brought such a drastic transformation to their home? She demanded an answer from her brother which was greeted with a terminal silence and that silence killed her.

This was it! She had been patient for the last fifteen years. Each time the question was raised about the car and the strange ways about it at their home, John was quite evasive. She sat down next to him and looked right into his eyes and said, “I really need you to tell me brother, what is the secret with this car and why is a mere change of decoration lights bothering you so much? I’m not a baby anymore for you to hold back the truth. You act like a total stranger each time I come up with this question. You are so weird when it comes to this topic and guess what I feel? I don’t belong here!”

As soon as she finished those last words, John burst into tears with a loud cry! A bunch of emotions that were buried deep down in his mind for the last decade and a half finally found its way out. His memories took him back to a Christmas Eve fifteen years ago. It was quite late in the evening. He was driving the taxi and was about to drop home a young couple expecting their first baby soon. This was his seventh trip for the day and possibly the last one since he was really tired with all the traffic of the season. He badly wanted to get back home and have a peaceful evening all by himself celebrating Christmas. The couple who owned the taxi which he drove had told him to take a day off on Christmas and nothing could get better than that.

As he was taking the final turn to the young couple’s home a flash of a bright light hit the car. He could hardly make out the shape of a truck and took a sharp turn to the left. The truck hit the side where the lady was seated. The impact was huge that he remember the car spinning for a few times before it came to a halt. The young man, soon to be a father, died on the spot. While John though had broken a bone or two, couldn’t help but hear the heart wrenching cry from the fully pregnant lady. The pain was unbearable, yet he managed to crawl out of the car. A passing car stopped by and the man who now visited them every Christmas helped John to take the lady to a nearby hospital. She was unconscious by the time they reached the Emergency section. He was soon taken inside as well and while they prepared him for a surgery, he vaguely remember hearing the doctors speak that the lady won’t make it.

A few days later as he was ready to leave the hospital, the nurses helped him onto the taxi that was waiting to take him home. But just before that, he was directed by a nurse to the neo natal ward. The place was all decorated for Christmas with bright red lights everywhere. The nurse took him to a tiny girl among the other babies there. They called her Jessy, the one that was miraculously saved from a dying mother a few minutes after the clock struck twelve on the Christmas day that year! He looked into her tiny eyes and saw the reflection of the shining red lights in them. They were shining like the Star of Bethlehem. Jessy, his sister, was born in his mind.

He took her to the couple who owned his taxi. For them, John and Jessy became the kids they never had. John inherited the taxi from them and moved to this town later, along with her. He also brought a priceless item along with him. An old black and white picture of the couple which was duly placed on the living room wall.

John finished the narration and looked at his sister. She got up and walked towards the window from where she could see the car that was parked in the porch. He reached out to her and they looked at each other. They could see the reflection of the bright red lights in their eyes. For Jessy, those were the most precious rubies she had ever seen in her life!

Love: Conditions don’t apply!

“Do you have any difficulty there? Is everything ok?” This was one of the first questions my grandpa used to ask my sweetheart every time we spoke with him over the phone. He was genuinely concerned about the fact that we stayed far away from home in a place where people spoke a language that was different from our mother tongue. We used to stay in Bangalore then. It didn’t matter to grandpa that it was just an overnight journey from Bangalore to Changanacherry, my home town. For him we were in alien land and was truly worried about us. We were quite fortunate to have experienced his love, the one that held us together through thick and thin.

I’d seen my grandpa expressing similar concerns towards everyone in the family. He never differentiated between those who are from the family as against those who came into the family. He was teaching us a very valuable lesson through his expression of love. Family survives on a fundamental truth. Love needs to be expressed in a form that is truly unconditional. The moment you introduce conditions for love then you’ll never be able to love everyone in the family in the same manner.

In fact, unconditional love comes naturally for most parents towards their kids. Having said that it is also a common phenomenon to have a favourite son or daughter for many parents. Even then, most parents share their love among their children in a pretty uniform manner. The times when situations in family could get delicate is when the children start a family of their own. The equations tend to change in some cases. This is exactly where the earlier incident citing grandpa’s wisdom commands a respect.

There could be reasons plenty for parents’ behaviour to have variation in expression of love towards the children and their family. Right from social acceptance of the new relatives to proximity of residences as well as personality differences of son-in-law or daughter-in-law can cause the parents to behave differently. The elder ones in the family tend to understand this differentiation and either reacts to it or in many cases decides to swallow the bitter pill. The affected parties in the whole picture are the grandchildren. Their innocent minds do not understand why their cousins get a special treatment while they get grossly ignored.

It is also a fact that not all children in a family tend to be at similar levels of independence. There could be certain children needing emotional and financial backing that the parents generally provide an additional level of support in all respects, emotionally, physically and financially. What they don’t realize in such cases is the fact that, lesser affected children while they may not need any financial support, still yearns for the same amount of support for their emotional needs. All they ask for is to be loved unconditionally.

While the story of unconditional love progresses between parents and the family of children, there is a different face to this whole story. This is the version that is generally seen in a family where the husband or wife display favouritism towards their respective families. This is an unfortunate state of affairs for the affected family. When you say ‘I do’ you accept both the families as your own. Your spouse’s parents should be as dear to you as your own parents. Any act of demeaning or reducing the significance of your better half’s family is nothing but injustice.

What couples need to realize is the fact that your spouse’s family is the primary mould in which he or she was created. Their behaviour and nature are driven predominantly by the manner in which they were brought up. Your in-laws have an unparalleled influence on your spouse’s personality. Hence it is not your merit that you ended up liking your better half, instead due credit must be given to the family that made them what they are.

Hence it is absolutely critical to acknowledge and show respect both ways by parents as well as the children to their respective families. Finding a suitable partner for your kids should not be the end of story for parents. Same applies to those who got married to the one they fell in love. Your match making will truly be blessed only when you learn and accept each other along with their family. May you have the wisdom to extend a heart full of warmth not just to your loved ones but their loved ones as well! 

Alone with a guest

The taxi dropped me right in front of my building. Got my luggage and took the elevator to my apartment. The sheer thought of being alone for the next few days was quite depressing. An emotionally draining experience many expats go through especially in the Middle East. This happens during school holidays when the families go back home and you are forced to live as a bachelor. This will be the eight time I am destined to feel this agony. Little did I know that things were going to be different this year!

I turned the key and the apartment door opened unwillingly as if it woke up from a long sleep that lasted for two weeks when we were not at home. I switched on the air conditioning and looked around to see the layer of dust that has quietly creeped in while we were away. I reached out to the windows and pushed it open by turning the dusty latch. A sudden gush of air came in as if someone was waiting impatiently outside the door to be let in. The breeze brought with it some more dust which blinded me for a few moments. By the time I could open my eyes, the room was back to normal with the breeze nowhere to be seen.

I unpacked the bags quickly. Soon enough I was ready since it was a working day and had to head straight to office. I closed the main door behind me as I stepped out of the apartment. Just before the door got fully locked I felt the breeze again, the same wave of air that greeted me when the windows were opened earlier.

It was a busy day. I returned home a bit late. The empty house that welcomed me back, gave quite a gloomy feeling to the evening that was soon getting darker. I took a shower and stood in front of the giant mirror we’ve in our hallway to comb my hair. While I was thinking of what to have for dinner I thought I saw in the mirror a flash of movement behind me! I swirled back, but saw nothing. I blamed my tiredness from the flight last night and headed to the kitchen to make dinner.

Soon after the dinner, I emptied the trash can and headed to the chute on my floor to dump the trash cover. The hallway was completely empty and there was an eerie silence with most of the houses devoid of kids. I deposited the trash cover inside the chute and closed the door back. That’s when it happened! I was quite sure this time that I heard a sound. The sound so distinct that I could clearly identify it as a flutter of wings. What was strange was that I couldn’t see a bird anywhere nearby. Did I really hear that or was my mind playing games with me? I felt the silence thickening around me and decided to head back to my apartment.

Shortly after the prayers I hit the bed with a book and soon my eyes were becoming heavy with the weariness from the long day. Before I fell into a deep sleep I thought I heard someone whispering a soft good night wish into my ears. I was pretty sure that my tired body and mind was making up all these and with a smile I embraced the depths of the much needed sleep.

I woke up quite fresh and before heading to the bathroom noticed something lying on the floor of the bedroom. It was a long and beautiful feather. The building complex was home to a few pigeons and had occasionally found one or two small feathers in the balcony. But this one was unlike anything before. I’d never seen a feather like that in my life and was equally surprised to see that inside my house! It even had a very peculiar fragrance but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I kept it away and got myself ready for office.

Though there were enough tasks to keep me busy at office, the thought of the feather came back to me once a while. I mentioned this to my sweetheart when I called her, but she didn’t seem to give much importance to it. I reached home and headed to the shower. I thought a warm shower will save me from my thoughts and was enjoying the feeling of hot water on my skin. Suddenly I thought I heard a noise at the bathroom door. I parted the shower curtain slowly. The bathroom was half filled with steam from the hot shower. Through the mist I watched with horror the handle of the door turning quietly! Time was standing still. The door opened and to my pleasant surprise I saw a golden haired girl with beautiful blue eyes coming into the bathroom. For a moment I even forgot that I was half way through my bath!

When I managed to get my senses back, I asked her who she was. She smiled and said, “I’m Angel”. Then just like that she vanished! The door remained closed. I couldn’t make any sense of what just happened. Did I really see a girl who forced her way into my bathroom? Or am I going crazy from all the loneliness that surround me? The night was eventless but was quite startled when I woke up the next morning before the alarm went off. I felt someone wishing me “Rise and shine”. No feathers were found that day though.

With a confused mind, I headed to office. I spoke to my wife about all these and after a while she made me feel at ease. Reached home, but no one came today in between the bath.

I sat on the couch with my dinner to watch a TV show. As I was about to change a channel there she was! Sitting right next to me. I could see the bright blue eyes shining even more. We started speaking and topics were so varied that everything related to my life especially from the day I got married kept flowing. Interesting enough she never let me ask more about her personal life. I finished the dinner and got up to wash the dishes. She vanished again.

This continued for the next few days. Angel gave me company at home. We talked a lot and laughed even more. I didn’t even realize how quickly days went by. I told my sweetheart about what’s happening here at home. She sounded amused at my story but surprisingly her reaction was not quite what I expected. Strange were the days.

One of these days my wife called and said she and our little one both developed a fever. They met the doctor and got the medicines. It took a couple of days before they got better. It was quite a chaos with all the confusion back home that only on the third day when I returned home and saw Angel, I realized that I didn’t see her for the last two days. Though I asked where she was, she avoided giving me a straight answer.

Soon the day came for me to head back home to bring my family back to Dubai. As I locked the door to head to the airport I could see a pair of bright blue eyes and a hand waving at me wishing me a happy journey. A few days later along with my wife and kids we were back in our apartment again. I opened the door with a pounding heart, half expecting to see Angel there greeting us. But nothing happened.

Days went by. Life was usual. I realized Angel was only a figment of my imagination. One evening my wife and I were having a conversation in the hallway where the giant mirror was placed. Our little one while riding her cycle accidently hit the thick border of the mirror. The impact was quite high that the mirror got off the hinges and started falling towards my wife. My reflex told me to reach out to the mirror. Though I could get hold of one of the edges it was too heavy for me to balance it. The other edge of the mirror was bound to hit my wife’s head and with a splatter of blood, the glass was to break into zillions of tiny pieces!

What happened instead was nothing short of a miracle! She had raised her hand in reflex and it almost touched the other edge of the mirror. As I tried my best to balance the mirror, I could see her hand barely touching the edge on her side. That was the moment when I felt a breeze, the same breeze that came through the window a few days back when I was home alone. I looked at her eyes expecting to see a deep shade of fear as she struggled to hold the mirror.

What greeted me in fact was a beautiful blue tinge in her usually brown eyes. As the mirror was getting balanced I could see the eyes sparkle even more in blue. I looked deeper into them and there she was! Angel. I asked her, “Where did you vanish?” My wife’s lips moved and out came the words, “I was always here where I am to be. I am your sweetheart’s guardian angel. Last week when you were alone getting lost in a sea of despair she was the one who prayed for bringing you peace. I couldn’t help but hear her prayer and loaned myself all those days except when she really needed me back when there was a bout of illness back home”.

We placed the mirror back on the hinges safely. I turned around and hugged by sweetheart. I then heard a flutter of wings. As the sound faded, a beautiful feather descended and landed softly on our palms. It had the same unique fragrance.

The fragrance of love! 

The Purse Holder

I received an interesting message on one of the WhatsApp groups the other day. The message said money has different names based on the context. For example, money is called offering at church, fees in school, tax for government etc. It ended with the question, “When a man gives money to his wife what do we call it?” I gave it a thought and before sending a response I showed the message to my seven year old son. Promptly came his answer. His said ‘sharing’. Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better answer!

When it comes to a family united through marriage, one of the key factors that will form the basis of everyday living is the cash flow. The obvious question that gets raised many a times is, who is the purse holder? I do not plan to prescribe a recommended way of money management here. All what I intend to do is share a point of view. As the case is with a few other sensitive areas in marriage, this is a decision which couples need to take with a lot of prudence.

The concept of bread-winner associated with men of the family has become a matter of history in many of the families we see around. Women in the past were either not allowed to learn or earn. This obviously led to the man of the family being the sole earning member. Some men associated the earning potential to a sign of power and demanded that they have the final say on the family spend. There were others who literally outsourced the management of finance to their wives and only considered them as mere bread-winners and were least interested in managing the distribution of resources.

Both the approaches mentioned above had its own flaws. The former was quite chauvinistic whereas the latter befriended lethargy. A middle-line seems more acceptable especially in today’s families where earning member is still one person. This is all the more important since the member who remained non-earning is due to their choice than by design.

Most of the families today where women choose to take a break from work due to parental responsibilities do that out of a choice they made for the family. This doesn’t make them any less important than the earning men of these families. In fact their decision needs to be respected even more since if they had decided otherwise the men in these families would’ve never been able to celebrate Father’s Day!

The important fact that needs to be remembered and understood by a couple is that money earned by one or both, is the money earned by the family as one unit. The amount does not belong to the person, instead it belongs to the institution called family. The family members have equal rights on the amount. It is only incidental that one chose to work and the other chose to be a home maker. One is not a premium service than the other. Both these vocations have their own sets of challenges and we’ve heard enough and more stories of how men are known for belittling the volume of work done by the home makers. A true man will always see him at par with his wife and never at different levels of value chain in the family.

There are different ways to ensure that the non-earning member of the family is equally empowered when it comes to the matter of money. Getting supplementary bank cards, maintaining a home purse and ensuring a constant supply of cash, sharing the banking and cash management channels with each other and ensuring transparency in every bit of cash spent are a few tips that can work well to maintain a balance between the parties.

The approach could be slightly different in families receiving two sources of income. A few families I know have decided to use one of the sources for daily expense and the other one is saved totally for investments. There could be many such different ways of money management.

We all need to sit and think which approach suits us the best and implement the method as long as we learn to appreciate the fact that the purse is held by both the parties and together we are responsible for what goes out from it. May you be blessed with the judiciousness for spending well for your families! 

Drops of life

It was meant to be a special day. I woke up with lots of happiness and was all set for many beautiful moments. Destiny, I didn’t know, had different plans. A few minutes later I was to drop and break a glass bottle and let the sharp edge explore the depth of my upper palm. I could see myself trying everything possible from applying ice to pressing hard on the cut to stop the bleeding. The blood seemed to be in no mood to stop. It was quite early in the morning and I guess that made the clotting process slower.

I started to get worried. Images of me getting drained of the precious drops of life and blanking out before I could reach out for help started doing rounds in my mind. I could even see a faint image of a tombstone at the very end of my imagination. Weird are the ways of human brain.

As the blood flow continued and my imaginations working overtime, I could see something else happening. Along with the stream of blood that was flowing I could see a few other emotions getting drained as well. I could see a tiny ego that I developed against my sweetheart for something she said the other day, peeping out and dropping to the floor along with the drops of blood, hitting head first.

I could see the times I spent worrying about insignificant nothings finding its destiny along with the ego earlier.

I could see the challenges in my faith getting totally wiped out along with those tiny drops of life and me getting closer to my Creator.

I could see the uncertainties in life telling me clearly that this is the moment of truth and I need to learn to live in the now than worrying about tomorrow.

I could see the faces of those in office or otherwise against whom I held grudges, smiling at me and saying that it doesn’t matter anymore.

I could also see all those times I said no to my kids and how it could’ve been better if I had spent more time with them.

Many more such moments did a parade right in front of my mind’s eye. Before I totally drained myself off these life defining moments and life giving drops, I called my wife. She swiftly came and applied the first aid procedures as required. Soon enough the bleeding stopped!

She looked at me and heard the whole story. I am yet to figure out the barrage of emotions that crossed her face.

Nevertheless she looked at me with loads of empathy and asked me to get ready to go to a nearby hospital.

She then came closer and whispered in my ear, Happy Birthday!

That’s the moment I realized how a special day almost turned into a nightmare. All the more important was the fact that life reminded me of the need to clear my emotional debts.

May this day help you think of the emotional debts you would’ve accumulated and take steps to clear them before it is too late!

God bless.