ദാമ്പത്യ ജീവിതവും പോത്തിറച്ചിയും

ഒരു വിവാഹ ഒരുക്ക സെമിനാറിന്റെ ഇടയിൽ ഒരു പയ്യൻ ക്ലാസ് എടുത്തു കൊണ്ടിരുന്ന അച്ചനോട് ചോദിച്ചു. 'അച്ചാ, ദാമ്പത്യ ജീവിതത്തിൽ ക്ഷമയ്ക്കും സമാധാനത്തിനും ആണോ കൂടുതൽ പ്രാധാന്യം?' വളരെ സരസനായിരുന്ന അച്ചൻ ഒരിത്തിരി നേരം ആലോചിച്ചിട്ട് മറുപടി പറഞ്ഞു. 'ക്ഷമയ്ക്കും സമാധാനത്തിനും പ്രസക്തിയുണ്ട്. എങ്കിലും ദാമ്പത്യ ജീവിതത്തിൽ പോത്തിറച്ചി വലിയ പ്രാധാന്യം അർഹിക്കുന്നു എന്ന് പറയേണ്ടിവരും. എനിക്കറിയാവുന്ന ഒരു മറിയാമ്മ ചേട്ടത്തിയുടെയും ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടന്റെയും കഥ പറയാം.

വിവാഹം കഴിഞ്ഞ ആദ്യ നാളുകളിൽ ചേട്ടൻ എന്തെങ്കിലും കന്നംതിരിവ് കാണിക്കുകയോ ചേട്ടത്തിയെ ചീത്ത പറയുകയോ ചെയ്താൽ വളരെ ശാന്തമായും സമാധാനമായും ചേട്ടത്തി അത് കൈകാര്യം ചെയ്തിരുന്നു. നാളുകൾ കുറച്ച് ആയപ്പോൾ ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടൻ ചേട്ടത്തിയുടെ ഈ നല്ല മനസ്സ് ശരിക്കും മുതലെടുക്കാൻ തുടങ്ങി. തോന്നിയവാസങ്ങൾ കൂടുതലായപ്പോൾ ചേട്ടത്തി കുറച്ചൊന്ന് ഉറച്ച ശബ്ദത്തിൽ പറഞ്ഞു നോക്കി. കാര്യങ്ങൾ വഷളായത് അല്ലാതെ ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടൻ നന്നാവുന്ന ലക്ഷണമൊന്നും കാണിച്ചില്ല.

അങ്ങനെയിരിക്കെ ഒരു ദിവസം, ഒന്നും രണ്ടും പറഞ്ഞു ചേട്ടനും ചേട്ടത്തിയും കൂടെ തെറ്റി. വഴക്കായി, വക്കാണമായി, എന്തിനേറെ പറയുന്നു, ചേട്ടൻ ചേട്ടത്തിയെ കൈവെച്ചു. തികച്ചും ശാന്തയായിരുന്ന മറിയാമ്മ ചേട്ടത്തിയുടെ മനസ്സ് കലുഷിതമായി. ചേട്ടത്തി, മൂത്തമകൻ അന്തോണിയെ ചന്തയിൽ പറഞ്ഞുവിട്ട്, രണ്ട് കിലോ പോത്തിറച്ചി മേടിപ്പിച്ചു. പോത്തിറച്ചി വന്നതും, ചേട്ടത്തി നല്ല പൂവരശിന്റെ പലകയെടുത്ത് രാകി വച്ചിരുന്ന വെട്ടുകത്തിയുമായി പണി തുടങ്ങി. ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടൻ അടുക്കളയിലേക്ക് വന്നപ്പോൾ, പോത്തിറച്ചി വെട്ടുന്ന ശബ്ദവും വേഗവും കൂടി വന്നു. തികച്ചും നിഷ്കളങ്കമായി ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടൻ ചോദിച്ചു, ഇത് എന്നതാടി ഇത്രയും ശക്തിക്ക് വെട്ടുന്നത്?

അന്നാമ്മ ചേട്ടത്തി ആ ചോദ്യത്തിന് ഒരൊറ്റ മറുപടി മാത്രം പറഞ്ഞു. ഇങ്ങനെ വെട്ടിയാൽ ഒരു പന്നിയുടെ കഴുത്ത് മുറിയുമോന്ന് നോക്കിയതാ!

അന്നുമുതൽ ഔസേപ്പ് ചേട്ടൻ എപ്പോ മൊട എടുത്താലും ചേട്ടത്തി അപ്പൊ തന്നെ മകനെ ചന്തയ്ക്കു വിടും. ശേഷം ശുഭം.'

The Second Chance

‘Ayyappanum Koshiyum’ is a recent Malayalam movie that got released starring Prithviraj Sukumaran and Biju Menon. Soon after the movie got released, a controversy started doing rounds about one of the scenes in the movie. This is the scene where Koshi, the character played by Prithviraj slaps his wife.

Later when a journalist questioned Prithvi on him going back on an earlier promise he made, of never acting in scenes that are outrageous to a woman, he made a very interesting remark. He mentioned that this was the only way to factually represent a problem that exists in our society today even when the parties involved are highly educated. What was even more fascinating was the statement that followed. He said ‘Kannamma’ the character who is the wife of ‘Ayyappan’ hailing from a lesser educated background would’ve walked out of the marriage if it ever happened to her.

You might have guessed where I’m heading to, with this narration. If the guess is that I’ll be touching upon the importance of giving due respect to the women, then guess again! It isn’t that the topic is less important. On the contrary it is one of the most critical topics to be discussed in any forum that talks about relationships. But enough and more has been said about it. Hence I want to focus on the possibility of a second chance each one is capable of giving the other in a relationship.

How often have you ended up in a situation where you misbehaved with your partner to an extent that you made him or her feel that it is not worth living with you anymore? The affected party in such situations have two options ahead. The easier option will be to decide that your partner is not worth to share your life with even for another day. Quite a few take this decision and find the ‘easy way out’ of the relationship. But I really want to talk about the others who take up the more challenging option and lead themselves as well as their partner to a more meaningful life in future.

Option two is where you give a second chance to the one who inflicted pain in you. Definitions can be very relative when it comes to severity of mistakes committed to you by your partner. A slap on a face could be an unpardonable offence for someone whereas for others it is pardonable once if they see hope at the end of the tunnel.

Most of the couples in their early years of relationship are truly in a state of ignorance about each other. You will really know someone only when you start sharing the same roof. This state of ignorance, especially during the initial days, leads to behaviours that may easily be misunderstood as non-compatibility by both parties. This is where a second chance stands crucial. It is absolutely essential to realize that these initial misunderstandings, if amicably resolved on time, will lead to something very beautiful.

Still doubtful? Ask this question to any of your loved ones who had been married for a few years. During the initial years of marriage were there incidents that made them believe that they had to call it quits? Ask them if they could even imagine taking the first option and if so what would’ve happened? I am pretty sure the answer will be all the beautiful moments they experienced together as a couple till date happened only because either of them gave a second chance to the other.

Giving a second chance to your partner isn’t a bad thing but it is equally important that the recipient learns to respect this decision. It requires mutual effort to ensure that the second chance is utilized in its right spirit and more importantly understand that there isn’t a third chance!

May you have the grace to provide a second chance to a loved one, if required and the ability to accept the fact that you are now given an opportunity to make things better! 

The Purse Holder

I received an interesting message on one of the WhatsApp groups the other day. The message said money has different names based on the context. For example, money is called offering at church, fees in school, tax for government etc. It ended with the question, “When a man gives money to his wife what do we call it?” I gave it a thought and before sending a response I showed the message to my seven year old son. Promptly came his answer. His said ‘sharing’. Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better answer!

When it comes to a family united through marriage, one of the key factors that will form the basis of everyday living is the cash flow. The obvious question that gets raised many a times is, who is the purse holder? I do not plan to prescribe a recommended way of money management here. All what I intend to do is share a point of view. As the case is with a few other sensitive areas in marriage, this is a decision which couples need to take with a lot of prudence.

The concept of bread-winner associated with men of the family has become a matter of history in many of the families we see around. Women in the past were either not allowed to learn or earn. This obviously led to the man of the family being the sole earning member. Some men associated the earning potential to a sign of power and demanded that they have the final say on the family spend. There were others who literally outsourced the management of finance to their wives and only considered them as mere bread-winners and were least interested in managing the distribution of resources.

Both the approaches mentioned above had its own flaws. The former was quite chauvinistic whereas the latter befriended lethargy. A middle-line seems more acceptable especially in today’s families where earning member is still one person. This is all the more important since the member who remained non-earning is due to their choice than by design.

Most of the families today where women choose to take a break from work due to parental responsibilities do that out of a choice they made for the family. This doesn’t make them any less important than the earning men of these families. In fact their decision needs to be respected even more since if they had decided otherwise the men in these families would’ve never been able to celebrate Father’s Day!

The important fact that needs to be remembered and understood by a couple is that money earned by one or both, is the money earned by the family as one unit. The amount does not belong to the person, instead it belongs to the institution called family. The family members have equal rights on the amount. It is only incidental that one chose to work and the other chose to be a home maker. One is not a premium service than the other. Both these vocations have their own sets of challenges and we’ve heard enough and more stories of how men are known for belittling the volume of work done by the home makers. A true man will always see him at par with his wife and never at different levels of value chain in the family.

There are different ways to ensure that the non-earning member of the family is equally empowered when it comes to the matter of money. Getting supplementary bank cards, maintaining a home purse and ensuring a constant supply of cash, sharing the banking and cash management channels with each other and ensuring transparency in every bit of cash spent are a few tips that can work well to maintain a balance between the parties.

The approach could be slightly different in families receiving two sources of income. A few families I know have decided to use one of the sources for daily expense and the other one is saved totally for investments. There could be many such different ways of money management.

We all need to sit and think which approach suits us the best and implement the method as long as we learn to appreciate the fact that the purse is held by both the parties and together we are responsible for what goes out from it. May you be blessed with the judiciousness for spending well for your families! 

Times when you failed me… my love!

Close to a decade of bachelorhood, away from my family,

A new person, a new life and I started complaining about ‘My Space’.

That’s when you taught me the feeling of togetherness,

And failed me first time… with your love!

When petty differences started to show up,

And silly fights soon became my second name.

That’s when you taught me the power of walking the same path,

And failed my ego… with your love!

Then came the toughest of tests in our life,

Where I lost all my hope and was destined to flop.

That’s when I saw the angel in you,

Who failed my despair… with your true love!

Soon enough my career hit a roadblock,

And struggling seems to be the only way of life.

You stepped in again and showed me the path out,

And failed my anguish… with your love!

Time and again I proved to be difficult,

Losing my temper among many other things.

To your full credit, you held the fort together,

And failed my qualms… totally with your love!

Promise I do, again and again,

To happily fail for you, all through my life.

If and only if, that true and pure heart of yours,

Continue to fail me in your love, forever!

Independence – The Double Edged Sword!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - May 2018

Many years back when an aunt of mine came home from US for vacation, she made an observation about the families there. I was quite surprised to learn that kids over there are encouraged or many a times even forced to move out of their parents’ home by the time they attain certain age, say 18 years, sometimes even younger. They need to find their own way of living by getting into smaller jobs first and later with the education they obtain, learn to stand on their own feet. Once they are ready and find a suitable partner, they will decide on having a family.

I for sure found it quite hard to digest this as a concept at that time, since in India, staying with your parents was quite normal even after you get married. In the past we even had multiple families staying together under the same roof in an arrangement fondly named joint family system.

There are good and bad about both the arrangements. While the American method makes the kids more independent from early ages, the Indian way provides a well-supported infrastructure of a family which may prove helpful in different phases of life.

While the Indian approach seemed to have worked very well for many decades, the more recent changes in the design of families demand a rethinking of this structure. The number of siblings compared to yesteryears’ generation have come down, leading to a reduction in number of families. My dad and mom both have a family of eight siblings whereas I’ve just one brother. This is the case with most of my cousins where the maximum number of siblings they have is three. When it came to the next generation the trend is not too different with few exception where there are more than three kids in a family.

In addition, the area of education have seen a whole lot of new avenues opening up. It is quite common now for children to go far away from their parents’ home for higher education. They start to lead an independent life and decisions big or small are made many a times all by themselves.

All these and more I believe have led to a need to adopt a hybrid approach to the previous Indian method for families. As a society, Indians are designed to be quite a close-knit unit. Hence it is essential to design an approach where both independence as well as family bonding are addressed.

It is quite natural for parents to be patronizing their children. For parents, a child will always remain as one, how much ever older he or she become. This is genetically designed and can never be changed. Hence it is important for parents to realize that the longer they keep the children under their wings lesser empowered they’ll be. It is important to let go, even if it is emotionally painful.

For young adults especially the ones who are ready to start a family or who started one recently, it is important to learn and handle situations independently. The more you are dependent on your parents the less efficient you will be in handling a family all by yourself. It may seem ironic how our parents achieved this capability all the while being with their parents. The secret of their success lay in the sheer numbers in the family. Just because of the multitude of numbers in families in the past, parents really didn’t have dedicated time to focus on every child. That naturally led to children handling responsibilities independently making them better human beings.

The culture we have in India is such an enriched one that we should reap the benefits that our forefathers have sowed with their lives. Having said that it is equally important to learn to go with the stride so that we don’t fall behind the rest of the world with respect to becoming better human beings.

It is a huge cultural stir and it is quite important that you don’t get drowned in this change. The secret here is to embrace the change by knowing when you can swim against the current and have a safe base to return to in case you get carried away by the current. That’s where parents and children need to agree on a common set terms of how to handle this double edged sword to make best use of the virtue of independence.

Take care and God bless!

Multi-million lottery!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Nov 2017

“Getting a good partner is like winning a lottery. Ensure that you pray really hard to win such a lottery”. I remember my mom advising me long back about the importance of prayer to win the greatest lottery in life! Looking back after being married for almost 8 years I totally agree with my mom. I would like to make a significant addition to her statement though. It is not just enough to win the lottery but is equally important that you win it every day of your life and keep praying for this to happen.

There is a major difference between someone who wins a regular lottery as against a person who wins the ‘matrimonial lottery’. The first one becomes rich overnight whereas the next one will become rich over a period of time, only if he or she works on it. If you choose not to work on your matrimonial lottery you might end up in the same boat as the guy who won a multi-million lottery one day but lost the ticket the next day!

Here are some of the tips that may help you win the lottery in married life. As the case always is, there is no concept of ‘one-size-fit-for-all’ in marriages. Hence you need to find what works out well for you and design your winning strategy accordingly.

Listening Vs Hearing: Listen to your spouse and you are an instant lottery winner! Ensure that you focus your full attention when your dear ones speak to you. If you are doing something really critical do inform them about it but more importantly tell them what time will you be able to have the conversation they wanted to have and remember to have it. Listening is an active task whereas hearing is merely passive.

Honesty: This is one skill that is important in all walks of life, more so in marriage. The moment you say ‘I do’ you are promising each other to share your life in all its honesty. Think about this. If you are all alone in a room and facing the mirror, will you ever be able to tell a lie to your reflection that you see on the mirror? Let us remind ourselves that our spouse is our reflection in a married life. Hence for you to look good in the mirror ensure that you are honest to yourself and your spouse. Who knows, you may even stand a chance to double the prize money of your lottery with this!

Teamwork: There is hardly a substitute for this, being a husband and wife. The most beautiful families are where the partners work as a team. There is enough and more to do in a family on a regular basis. Short, mid and long term plans keep driving the life forward. The only way you could ensure happiness of achieving these goals are by holding the hands together and helping each other. The moment you decide to do things your own way, you risk the possibility of losing the lottery ticket.

Prayer Power: This is the closest we’ll get to experience the supernatural power in our family that drives the whole universe. These are the days when each one of us are quite busy in our own worlds carrying out significant tasks, at least that’s what we think ourselves. The time spent together for prayer is when you bring a synergy in everyone. Nothing short of miracles will happen in our lives the moment we decide to spent time together to pray. This by itself, needless to say, is winning a lottery!

Love: A simple four letter word. We can’t possibly imagine the power that this word holds within. It is an all-encompassing feeling that can be stated as the glue that connects everyone in the family. Learn and remind ourselves to apply this feeling in everything we do daily. Believe it or not, this is something we forget accidently or conveniently a few years into married life. This is even more significant with your family getting bigger with kids taking up a considerable part of your time.

What I’ve listed above are just a few sample tips. Give yourselves some time to think about these. I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to come up with hundreds more like these which will enable you to win that multi-million lottery every other day. Keep in your mind that this is one lottery that brings you luck only if you work for it.

May the good God bless you to figure out the ways to win the matrimonial lottery and more importantly to keep winning every other day in your life! 

Thank You!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - May 2017

Alex and Nisha were on the last day of their beautiful vacation. They prepared to vacate the resort and reached the reception to settle the bill. It was quite a hefty amount, but were more than happy to part with it since they were quite delighted with the service provided by the resort folks. The rooms were always neat and tidy. The food was delicious. Laundry was done on time and had an alluring fragrance always. Overall the stay was absolutely a beautiful experience that they both felt pretty much at home!

On their way to airport to catch their return flight, the couple recollected the warmth of service provided by the team at the resort. That’s when it struck them! Everything what they experienced at the resort came with a price tag. Whereas when the same things happen back home without even having to pay a single penny, they never even bothered to acknowledge each other.

Alex and Nisha had taken a decision not to hire a maid at their home and planned their schedules to manage the house-hold chores themselves. Just like what they experienced at the resort, their house was always neat and tidy. Nisha creates magic with her culinary skills. Alex ensure that there was hardly a day when they had a situation of not having washed clothes and almost has a passion to do the dishes. All of these and many more were happening as a well-oiled machinery at their home, but neither of them ever said a thank you for any of these.

Many of us who are married are not different from Alex and Nisha. For us, the responsibilities we take up or what our partners handle are all part of life. It is a natural activity in our daily life and we all conveniently take them for granted. Having said this, it doesn’t mean that we need to start paying each other and say thank you when each and every task gets completed. On the other hand, being thankful need to be reflected in our daily behaviour to one other.

Realize that being a family means, going through all these activities every other day. At the same time ensure that each one of them get their roles acknowledged. Thanking your better half need not necessarily be expressed in kind all the time. It could be a simple gesture of giving a kiss or a hug at the least expected time and tell them what that was for. It could also be in the form of doing an activity for your partner which is usually done by him/her. The whole idea is to bring in a surprise element which by itself talks out loud about being thankful.

There is a huge challenge about taking things for granted. We don’t invest in thinking how to bring difference in our life since these happen naturally and we don’t even realize that we could do differently. You need to willingly put an effort in doing things out of the way. Else it’ll lead you to one of the biggest mistakes in life, which is monotony! Look around and look within yourself. You’ll see quite a lot of families that lead a carbon copy life. One day is exactly the replica of the other. Nothing changes ever.

The only way to get out of this maze of monotony is to think either together or individually on how to bring in those differences in your life. It can be subtle changes like the examples I gave earlier or can be larger ones where it may involve a bit of investment in the form or gifts or planned trips etc. Either which ways all these will lead to breaking of monotony which in itself is a way of thanking each other for the wonderful life you are gifting each other for your family!

Lastly, if you’ve not been doing it, you could also start a practice of gifting yourself. You have done very well and you deserve to be thanked by a gift for yourself. The magnitude of the gift is what you need to consider. It could range from as simple an activity as gifting yourself an ice cream or a chocolate to a more expensive gift that such as a piece of jewellery on which you had your eyes for a long time. All what you need to ensure is take care of the family budget and the confidence of your partner.

Let us learn to be more thankful to our sweethearts. Just because you are married doesn’t mean that you take your partner for granted. Give them the credit for the part they play because they simply deserve it.  

God bless you!

Guerrillas around us! - Malayalam Translation

The Malayalam translation of the article Guerrillas around us! - On a special request from a subscriber of Bethlehem Matrimonial Magazine - May 2015  

Guerrillas around us!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Mar 2015

Guerrilla warfare is one of the most effective war strategies ever adopted in the history by less organized groups against mighty forces. The key aspect of this strategy is to attack the marked enemy when it is least expected thereby making the most of the surprise element! How exactly do you think that the Guerrilla warfare is connected to our day-to-day lives? Let me assure you that when you finish reading this piece you will be least startled to see how this strategy is being adopted by many around us especially when it comes to families.

A lot of young couples these days are away from their parents since their professions would’ve taken them to distant places. Some of them get to see the families on a regular basis whereas there are many who get to meet their loved ones once a while only which could range from months to years together. Needless to say, the farther they are the chances of regular communication between these groups could take a hit. Parents back home get to hear many views about their children from their relatives. Some of these views clearly belong to the category of Guerrilla strategy mentioned earlier.

Have you ever received a call from your parents stating that they met one of your cousins after a while and he was saying that you never contact them? The statements also would’ve added flavours that you’re always busy to be reached or never available etc. The fact of the matter could be that you would’ve been busy at the time you were reached and you would’ve later called back. The Guerrilla who raised this concern would’ve been equally busy when you tried calling him back. This part of the picture never gets portrayed and your naive parents would’ve been made to believe one version of the story.

One of the worst affected parties in this whole show is definitely your spouse, irrespective of whether the strategy is devised in this manner or not. They end up being the usual suspects for this ‘phenomenal’ change that had happened in your life. Fingers get pointed at them for being responsible for making the boy or girl ‘change’ from what they were earlier. What neither the families nor the Guerrillas realize is the fact that the priorities in life never remain the same. What would’ve been the top priority for someone before being married may not exactly be the way post marriage. While people forget this aspect of life and leave their dear ones at a state of helplessness, the Guerrillas have a gala time to have gained victory over another set of innocent souls.

The message is loud and clear! When you hold your hands together in front of The Almighty to give birth to a family, you also promise to define the priorities together for your family. This is a truth that needs to be realized by people around you in both your families as well as your friend circles. Just the way you have defined the priority for your family you must respect the priority of others as well. This mutual respect shown to each of the families will gradually dismantle the Guerrilla warriors though you may never see a complete end to people of this kind. After all, the Garden of Eden is never pictured without the wooing snake!

May the good God bless you and the ones around you with the providence to appreciate your life as well as theirs! Let the realization dawn on them that your life is as important as theirs and may your families be informed about the Guerrillas that are on the prowl awaiting a chance to launch an attack on the vulnerable minds!  

Beware and be aware that the Guerrillas are not just there in the dense forests; they are here, right among us! Know them!

Peace be with us.

Luke 6:37 isn’t a joke!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Mar 2014

We all have heard about Newton getting the idea of gravity with an apple hitting his head. I’m pretty sure this was not the case when Jesus made this famous statement which is captured by Luke which states, “Do not judge and you will not be judged”. He knew how important this was then and how much more it will be even after 2000 plus years. If it was Jesus Himself who addressed a crowd during a wedding ceremony this will definitely be one of His key talking points.

 

In the most critical moment of the solemn ceremony of wedding, the bride and groom with utmost seriousness recite their wedding vows. They try to understand that and implement the meaning of it together in their life ahead. At times they forget some of these vows and that’s when we see conflicts in our families. Quite often what is even more serious is the fact that the people who stand around the bride and groom do not realize they too have an important role to play in the couple’s life by not judging either of them.

 

It is quite natural for people to have expectations. We see that all around us right from our childhood. Be it the parents, siblings, religious leaders, managers or peer group, expectations have become a part of our life and there are times we struggle to meet them. Some of these expectations are realistic, but others are not. When the expectations are not met there are various levels of disappointments that you’ll face. The people who set them may react in a strong fashion. You being the victim may get affected badly with the reaction.

You see such incidents happening around you in your families as well. More often it is the bride who takes the brunt of these judgments than the groom. In the unfortunate incident of an expectation not met due to the preset standards of a family, people get disappointed quite quickly. They conveniently take these disappointments as an opportunity to judge the other. They are quick to label them and place them in a category that seems to be etched for life. The one who is judged too quickly find this quite unfair but may not be in a position to correct the other and accept it as a way of life.

 

The situation becomes even worse when the new couple start with their family visits to the near and dear ones. Over there they are welcomed with a smile which most often is accompanied by pairs of eyes which start watching every move of the new member to the family. These relatives give themselves the unofficial position of judging the match that was made in heaven. Things get further complicated with the seemingly innocent comments they pass about the new pair based on the judgments they arrive at. What they don’t realize quite often is the impact these comments have on the young couple who is just settling into their life.

 

Imagine you end up at a house in China where they have prepared a delicious dinner for you. Since you are a very special visitor from India they have served you one of their delicacies, an exotic dish made from snakes! You are one who will run, when someone even mentions about a reptile. You’ll thoroughly disappoint your host if you don’t join them for the dinner. What will be your reaction if your host family judges you as anti-Chinese? You know for a fact that it is not your mistake, yet you’ll be blamed for not partaking in the family’s tradition.

 

Now bring the same situation to a bride in her new family. You, being her new set of relatives, are the ‘host’ for her. For all practical purpose you are total strangers in the initial few days of life. If you approach her with all the expectations of the family, how different are you from the Chinese host who served the snake dish to you?

 

Let us keep our minds open and welcome the new ones in our families without any prejudice. Be patient and try to learn about them before even setting any expectation. Remember you have seen your son/daughter grow and that’s why you expect from them. This is not the case with their better halves. You start seeing them only when they join your family. So learn not to be judgmental. 

May God help you kill the judge within you!

Mr. & Mrs. Change

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Jan 2014 

 

A few months after being admitted into the institution of marriage, I remember talking to a friend of mine about how life has changed. Guess I was cribbing too much that he had to stop me somewhere in the middle and asked me a genuinely simple question. 

 

“Before getting married, you were away from your family, living here in the same city, working with the same company on the same job and with the same set of friends. All that is new in your life is a wife and a house. Have you ever thought what change means to her? She was staying with her family, working with a company in a different city and had her own set of friends. She had to leave all that and move to a totally strange place, being unemployed and hardly any friends around, but live with a man whom she met just three months back. And you, complain about change?!”

Needless to say, the question stirred my mind. I looked at him with the kind of expression of disbelief that he had to literally shake me out of my world of thoughts. I realized what he said was right; it is just that my independent soul was not so prepared to accept this fact of life that is seen all around me. It was apparent that the patriarchal society we live in today had blindfolded me from the truth in our life. I was enlightened and thanks to my friend I could think beyond ‘me’ in life. As I read in one of the recent blogs by Seth Adam Smith, I realized that marriage was not for me, but for us!

Things may not be the same with all the couples out there. There are the blessed ones who work in the same company or same city, who get married and the change is pretty much the same for both the parties. Though I do not have any statistics to prove, I feel such blessed ones are far and few in numbers. The majority belong to the category where my sweetheart and I come from. The plot is usually the same; the woman leaves her family and her social circle, quits her job and moves along with the man to a totally strange city. If the couple had not known each other for too long that only adds to the complexity.

All the men folks out there, who have at least once thought or said that things will or have changed with marriage, have you ever thought about this paradox of life? It is the women who bear the brunt of the change most often and they still have to put up with the pseudo concerns of their men who whine about the changes in life.

On further thought the blame cannot be fully bestowed on these poor creatures called men. These behavioral patterns could well be attributed to the conditioning we all receive from our society. Historically we’ve seen our sisters, mothers and grandmothers being married to a different family than the one they were born into. The in-laws became their new parents and the traditions followed at husband’s home became theirs as well. These children of God are blessed with a gift of acceptance that they gel with the changes in a seemingly simple manner.

The male of the species are never taught about the changes their female counterparts experience with this arrangement. Hence from time immemorial every married man thinks more about the changes that happen in his life than her life not to mention, their life. With all due respect to the older generation, this would’ve been acceptable then, but not anymore. In the modern times where women are equal or even better than men in many fields they interact, it is high time that men understand and appreciate the nuances of change a girl faces who joins him in Holy Matrimony.

Changes are part of any discipline. Married life comes with its own set of changes as well. Never spend your time and energy thinking hard about how to face them individually. It becomes quite interesting if you continue to hold your hands just the way you did during the wedding ceremony and face the challenges of life together. Holding your hands was not only a gesture but a promise that you give each other for a lifelong commitment to face and overcome any difficulties life may pose in front of you.

You have decided to take the boat named marriage together. Why then row it by yourself? Hand over each other the oars of faith in the One that united you as well as faith in each other. It’ll help you cut through the waters of life and you’ll see for yourself that your boat remains intact even in the mightiest of the tempests.

Change is a way of life. Acknowledge, accept and act on it together. God be with you!

Where’s My Space?

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - March 2013
I had heard enough and more about the concept of space and how important it is in a married life. All the articles I’ve read till date have emphasized upon the need to give space to each other even though you promise to be together ‘until death do us part’. For someone who has been away from the family due to studies and job for almost eight years before getting married, to me this theory was nothing but an obvious aspect of married life.

I was a firm believer of this concept while I walked into the world of togetherness. Needless to say that I was in for some surprises since I was expecting the implementation of space in marriage at ease; this was not the case to be.I should admit that the individual in me got a higher priority during the initial years of marriage than the combined entity of ‘us’. Courtesy to the theory of space!

Soon, I realized that space is not the key aspect of life. We started discovering interests that were common to us. One of the biggest surprises that were in store for me was in the form of a TV show of which I had become a big fan during one of my assignments abroad in the US. The show being one which deals with criminal investigations with gruesome crime scenes, forensic science and autopsy procedures, the last thing I was expecting from my beloved was to come near the TV set while I was watching the show. To the greatest of my happiness she developed an interest for the show sometimes surpassing mine and our weekends became all the more interesting watching the show together with a much better vigor!

Multiple other experiences in our life evolved as we started rowing the boat of married life together. Many a things that were considered as ‘my interest’ became ‘our interest’. This was true for both of us. Be it the preferences for tea or coffee, having chappathy or rice for dinner, watch an English or Malayalam movie on a weekend; we were able to draw a middle line for these. These may seem very trivial, but once you start sharing your life with another person, tiny things like these may make or break your relationship. You need to be blessed enough to grow beyond these indifferences by finding the common grounds in the game of life you are in for together. As days passed by we didn’t even realize how ‘my space’ in our marriage was giving way to ‘our space’.

Finding ways of being together to share interests not only helps you develop an intimacy but also provides you with common topics to discuss. You’ll never be searching for something to talk when you have so much in common. These do not get created unless you put an effort to look beyond ‘my space’.

All said and done, we are not anti-space crusaders. There are hobbies and passions that we both cherish and find time to do that among all these. I love reading, probably a bit more than her. I used to crib initially that I do not get time anymore to do that. Now I find pockets of time here and there and it takes minimal effort for me to pick up a book and continue from where I left. She was keen to learn violin and found time to join a class while our little one was yet to stand on his tiny feet. We supported each other on these little joys of life.

In fact if I had used all the time I wasted complaining about not having my space, I would’ve done even more wonderful things than what I was able to accomplish otherwise! As I read somewhere, you became a couple to be that and not being single anymore. Knowing that there could be many things you could do together can be more fun than fighting for your space.

It is all about leading a life together and not two people sharing a house and calling it life.

The Balancing Act

*** My article that was published in the monthly magazine of Bethlehem Matrimonial April 2011 edition. This is about maintaining a balance between professional and personal life along with coping up with the status change from Single to Married.

A couple of years ago there was a shuffling in my team in the company where I worked, which resulted in me reporting to two managers at a time. Both of them were pretty senior in the organization and had their respective families with kids as well. Soon did I realize the striking difference in their management style where one was totally process centric whereas the other was more of face-as-it-comes type!

Coffee time with my managers provided insights into their family lives as well. Office hours used to end only by 8 PM everyday for the former while the latter was very specific about leaving office on dot to spend time with his family. This does not mean the first guy was less affectionate as during our conversations I had always sensed how proud he is, being a father of two especially with the second child being a spastic one.

Years passed by and it was my turn to say aloha to my bachelorhood. I was blessed with the presence of these two managers during my wedding. Little did I know that learning from others is just the tip of an iceberg when it comes to leading a family life; the bigger part was buried under the deeper waters of life! Slowly I started to figure out the magnitude of what is facing me.

The Bible taught us about the origin of human kind and how they spent their life together. There are numerous lives detailed out in this Holy Book of Christians which speaks about family life. While these details do help, hardly have I seen relationships pictured in the backdrop of the balancing act between professional and personal life.

Relationships, I realize is an ongoing process. This holds good for all sorts of couples, the ones that have fallen in love or the ones who decided to fall in love. In the first case a stage is set in the beginning and the characters perform with ease. For some, the stage becomes too familiar after a while that the whole arrangement turns out to be mundane. The second case on the contrary is about those who need to build the stage itself even before they think of performing. This becomes even more challenging since their decision to fall in love needs to be justified with their actions.

Whichever Act you are part of, the fact remains pretty clear. Our relationships need to be nurtured with an investment in time and ideas. This is all the more important if we are a working couple. All of us agree that we need a source of income, be it from a job or business to sail through the waves of life. I strongly believe that we also need to agree that we work to live and not live to work.

Irrespective of the family background someone grew up or the social circle they had or the educational and professional experiences thereof, the need for being together is a basic factor for any couple. The word itself says so, you become a couple not to be single anymore. Of course it does pose its own challenges.

In most of the cases, more than a quarter of our lives were lived without having to negotiate with anyone in particular, of course within the constraints of our family. The moment we decide to say ‘Yes’ the status get changed. This is something we need to remind ourselves often so as to appreciate the necessity of investing in time and ideas in our lives.

Making time for each other is a much needed virtue for couples who have known each other before getting married or otherwise. I am pretty sure most of us have heard people saying they know all the preferences of their partner. I remember a statement from a friend of mine, ‘it is plain silliness to say I know everything about my partner, since it is inevitable that people change, so do their preferences’. That leads to the question, what can we do about it? The answer is quite simple, spent time with each other. The bigger question then will be, how do we do it? The answer is, it is up to us to figure out how, since each couple is unique and we need to design what suits us. All what others or books could tell us are their perspectives. Customizing those suggestions in our lives is the key.

One of my bosses used to have a firm policy that he shall not answer the office calls on his mobile phone after office hours. His thought was crisp and clear. The time spent in office is for office and the time spent with family is exclusively for them. Of course this may not suit all professions, hence the need of customization.

Another interesting aspect is the often repeated statement of ‘don’t bring office work home’. I guess this is one of the most vital elements in creating time for family and hence the fact that the statement still holds so much of value even after generations of use. This must not stop you from speaking to your partner about what happened at office that day. A small act like this helps each other get a picture of what you endure on a daily basis. Ensure that you don’t go beyond the limits that you have nothing else to discuss! It is all about maintaining a logical balance between what happens in your life at work and at home.

If you have noticed there was a second type of investment I mentioned in one of sections above. ‘Ideas’. It is a brilliant tool which enables us in this balancing act. Each one of us have been bestowed with this divine gift. The ability to think and be creative! Use this gift to generate simple, workable ideas in our minds to make those time spent with our partner more effective and meaningful.

Surprises are one of the best gifts with which you could make your sweetheart jump up with joy. The important thing to remember is that surprises need not be expensive always. Surprises could be anything ranging from a totally new dish prepared, a bunch of flowers, an early morning cup of coffee or a loving hug from behind when it was least expected! All these and more could make a huge difference in the quality of time spent amidst the maddening rush in our lives to make both the ends meet!

Tail End: If you ever thought something is unrealistic, think again. Everything in life can be made realistic, provided you yearn for it!

How's Married Life?!!

Act 1 Scene 1 – Marriageable Age

You really could feel it when you truly want to have someone to tag along to make your life more meaningful, so they say. If you don't, in the truly Indian way your relatives have a distinct, almost patentable technique of making you feel so! It is remarkable, I must say, the manner with which even a completely disinterested person is made to say, "Yes, marriage is the most important thing I wanted to get into".

End of Act 1 Scene 1

Act 1 Scene 2 – My Decision

Fortunately, my decision to get married was not so dramatized, at least not with the involvement of family so much. But I must admit that the mission to get married definitely was, with them having a major say. Arranged marriage in my case was a concept where I subjected my decisions to objective analysis by my dear ones including parents, siblings and friends.
End of Act 1 Scene 2

Act 2 Scene 1 – Their Response

People who knew me were obviously happy about my decision. I believe my levels of enthusiasm was way up North that some of them even took an unprecedented step of trying to bring back to ground realities of marriage. Knew I did, but the wait was too long for me to accept those facts just like that. I loved all the attention and even secretly admired the fact that I could tell them that I don't have time since I'm busy chatting with my girl!
End of Act 2 Scene 1

Act 2 Scene 2 – Pre-marriage days

I sat and thoughts started flowing in. Here are a few of those educated snippets…

I really have not come across anyone in my life who has not given a thought about getting married. It is there in our blood as a need or want and the laws of Economics make all possible sense when thinking about it. Yes, I was no exception. I really wanted to and in fact was desperate to get married. I longed for a companion and did all possible things within the purview of the 'arranged marriage'. The search was on for a long time and finally I found a girl. I was all excited, naturally!

End of Act 2 Scene 2

Pseudo Act

The days got closer and we got married after two months and sixteen days from our first meeting.

End of Pseudo Act

Act 3 Scene 1 - Post-marriage

"How's married life?!" I could think of only two reasons, why this remained the only question that came our way post the D-Day. Either the world around us is so eager to hear an answer which they expect or they forgot that there are other words in Webster's that could be coined to make questions! You've only one choice of giving a socially accepted answer. You say anything other than, "fantastic" or "good" being the least, you are doomed! You cannot be realistic and have to accept the world of Utopia around you.

I felt it was pretty funny. Being married does not guarantee all these adjectives to be part of your life as a direct output of the act. The absolute irony about the whole show is the fact that, people who ask you the last-standing-question in the world and expecting the age old answer also knew this.

End of Act 3 Scene 1

Act 3 Scene 2 – My Response
 

"It’s a Roller Coaster Ride"! People who have experienced it get the point. Others who perceive that to be a mean machine will do a Jim Carrey act of eyes bulging and all. Then starts the most bizarre act in the world of being concerned about the budding relationship and major gyan sessions will follow. They'll start giving you tonnes of advices on what can be done to make life more meaningful, again!

It takes me two types of an effort to pacify these people. First, to explain what exactly is a Roller Coaster. Second to reiterate the fact that it is in fact the thrill that is the whole point! A few get convinced, rest will remain prejudiced. God bless them!

End of Act 3 Scene 2

Tail End

Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players". Somehow he missed the part where a few among the audience climbing on top of the stage and trying their best to make you do some part which they missed on their own stage!

Life's a Roller Coaster, dare not miss the thrill!

The Drama Continues…