Love: Conditions don’t apply!

“Do you have any difficulty there? Is everything ok?” This was one of the first questions my grandpa used to ask my sweetheart every time we spoke with him over the phone. He was genuinely concerned about the fact that we stayed far away from home in a place where people spoke a language that was different from our mother tongue. We used to stay in Bangalore then. It didn’t matter to grandpa that it was just an overnight journey from Bangalore to Changanacherry, my home town. For him we were in alien land and was truly worried about us. We were quite fortunate to have experienced his love, the one that held us together through thick and thin.

I’d seen my grandpa expressing similar concerns towards everyone in the family. He never differentiated between those who are from the family as against those who came into the family. He was teaching us a very valuable lesson through his expression of love. Family survives on a fundamental truth. Love needs to be expressed in a form that is truly unconditional. The moment you introduce conditions for love then you’ll never be able to love everyone in the family in the same manner.

In fact, unconditional love comes naturally for most parents towards their kids. Having said that it is also a common phenomenon to have a favourite son or daughter for many parents. Even then, most parents share their love among their children in a pretty uniform manner. The times when situations in family could get delicate is when the children start a family of their own. The equations tend to change in some cases. This is exactly where the earlier incident citing grandpa’s wisdom commands a respect.

There could be reasons plenty for parents’ behaviour to have variation in expression of love towards the children and their family. Right from social acceptance of the new relatives to proximity of residences as well as personality differences of son-in-law or daughter-in-law can cause the parents to behave differently. The elder ones in the family tend to understand this differentiation and either reacts to it or in many cases decides to swallow the bitter pill. The affected parties in the whole picture are the grandchildren. Their innocent minds do not understand why their cousins get a special treatment while they get grossly ignored.

It is also a fact that not all children in a family tend to be at similar levels of independence. There could be certain children needing emotional and financial backing that the parents generally provide an additional level of support in all respects, emotionally, physically and financially. What they don’t realize in such cases is the fact that, lesser affected children while they may not need any financial support, still yearns for the same amount of support for their emotional needs. All they ask for is to be loved unconditionally.

While the story of unconditional love progresses between parents and the family of children, there is a different face to this whole story. This is the version that is generally seen in a family where the husband or wife display favouritism towards their respective families. This is an unfortunate state of affairs for the affected family. When you say ‘I do’ you accept both the families as your own. Your spouse’s parents should be as dear to you as your own parents. Any act of demeaning or reducing the significance of your better half’s family is nothing but injustice.

What couples need to realize is the fact that your spouse’s family is the primary mould in which he or she was created. Their behaviour and nature are driven predominantly by the manner in which they were brought up. Your in-laws have an unparalleled influence on your spouse’s personality. Hence it is not your merit that you ended up liking your better half, instead due credit must be given to the family that made them what they are.

Hence it is absolutely critical to acknowledge and show respect both ways by parents as well as the children to their respective families. Finding a suitable partner for your kids should not be the end of story for parents. Same applies to those who got married to the one they fell in love. Your match making will truly be blessed only when you learn and accept each other along with their family. May you have the wisdom to extend a heart full of warmth not just to your loved ones but their loved ones as well! 

Independence – The Double Edged Sword!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - May 2018

Many years back when an aunt of mine came home from US for vacation, she made an observation about the families there. I was quite surprised to learn that kids over there are encouraged or many a times even forced to move out of their parents’ home by the time they attain certain age, say 18 years, sometimes even younger. They need to find their own way of living by getting into smaller jobs first and later with the education they obtain, learn to stand on their own feet. Once they are ready and find a suitable partner, they will decide on having a family.

I for sure found it quite hard to digest this as a concept at that time, since in India, staying with your parents was quite normal even after you get married. In the past we even had multiple families staying together under the same roof in an arrangement fondly named joint family system.

There are good and bad about both the arrangements. While the American method makes the kids more independent from early ages, the Indian way provides a well-supported infrastructure of a family which may prove helpful in different phases of life.

While the Indian approach seemed to have worked very well for many decades, the more recent changes in the design of families demand a rethinking of this structure. The number of siblings compared to yesteryears’ generation have come down, leading to a reduction in number of families. My dad and mom both have a family of eight siblings whereas I’ve just one brother. This is the case with most of my cousins where the maximum number of siblings they have is three. When it came to the next generation the trend is not too different with few exception where there are more than three kids in a family.

In addition, the area of education have seen a whole lot of new avenues opening up. It is quite common now for children to go far away from their parents’ home for higher education. They start to lead an independent life and decisions big or small are made many a times all by themselves.

All these and more I believe have led to a need to adopt a hybrid approach to the previous Indian method for families. As a society, Indians are designed to be quite a close-knit unit. Hence it is essential to design an approach where both independence as well as family bonding are addressed.

It is quite natural for parents to be patronizing their children. For parents, a child will always remain as one, how much ever older he or she become. This is genetically designed and can never be changed. Hence it is important for parents to realize that the longer they keep the children under their wings lesser empowered they’ll be. It is important to let go, even if it is emotionally painful.

For young adults especially the ones who are ready to start a family or who started one recently, it is important to learn and handle situations independently. The more you are dependent on your parents the less efficient you will be in handling a family all by yourself. It may seem ironic how our parents achieved this capability all the while being with their parents. The secret of their success lay in the sheer numbers in the family. Just because of the multitude of numbers in families in the past, parents really didn’t have dedicated time to focus on every child. That naturally led to children handling responsibilities independently making them better human beings.

The culture we have in India is such an enriched one that we should reap the benefits that our forefathers have sowed with their lives. Having said that it is equally important to learn to go with the stride so that we don’t fall behind the rest of the world with respect to becoming better human beings.

It is a huge cultural stir and it is quite important that you don’t get drowned in this change. The secret here is to embrace the change by knowing when you can swim against the current and have a safe base to return to in case you get carried away by the current. That’s where parents and children need to agree on a common set terms of how to handle this double edged sword to make best use of the virtue of independence.

Take care and God bless!

Pappam or Papam?

One of the most recent debates that is taking rounds in the social media during March 2018 is attributed to a cover photo on a Malayalam magazine. Published from Kerala, the southernmost state in India, portrays a mother who is feeding her baby and has a tagline that says “Moms to Kerala: Don’t stare, we need to breastfeed”.

The girl in the picture is in fact a model who posed with the baby of a mother who was also present during the photoshoot. The big question that is trending now is, ‘Was she / magazine right in doing this’? There are quite a few supporters as well as critics for the assignment taken up by the young model.

The more I think about this debate, two words in Malayalam come to my mind. First one is ‘Pappam’ a term which babies use to denote the most natural feeding bottle available in the world. Second one is ‘Papam’ which means ‘sin’.

It is quite a strange situation that a simple organ in human body is looked at with such a wide spectrum of meanings. What is stranger is the fact that, sheer perception of human beings is what gives one the most innocent and an almost divine aspect whereas the other makes it an object that precipitates a state of a sin being committed that the society almost considers it a taboo!

A baby says ‘Pappam’ and look forward to the mother for quenching her hunger. The act by which the mother and baby becomes one again, is probably the only time after the umbilical cord gets severed. It is an experience something short of being one with God where you take part in sustenance of life on Earth!

The other side of debate borders around topics of sexuality and societal norms that demands women to cover their chest while feeding or otherwise. It is quite interesting to observe that not long ago, when caste system prevailed, there was a revolt in the state of Kerala among the lower castes fighting for their right to cover their chest!

Back to the big question, what is right? I doubt if we’ll ever get a single answer. What is the right thing to do when the same object is perceived by some as a symbol of selfless love and others as eternal icon of lust?

We’ve both sets of people around us and hence I think it is wise to leave it to the prudence of mothers to apply their judgement on what to do when they’ve to feed their little ones. You’ve a million pairs of eyes staring at your chest, of which some are of babies whereas others definitely not; both with an intention to satisfy hunger, with totally different perspectives!

Love your baby & stay safe!

Emotional Explosion!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Nov 2016

Being part of the largest airline brand from Middle East, I often get to work out of the Head Quarters (HQ) of my company. It is a state of the art facility with lots of offices operating out of this building. The second floor of HQ is accessible to general public where there are sales offices, customer affairs office etc. There is also an open space known as Atrium and at times I sit and work at one of the many desks available there.

The other day I was at the Atrium trying to complete a work to be delivered during the second half of the day. I could hear a kid probably aged around four years crying for something he wanted badly. He was with his mom and dad who were seen arguing if the kid really needs to be given that item. The argument became so hyper at a given point, so much so that, the next thing we saw was dad shouting at mom in public and dashing with his son to a nearby mini mart to buy what the kid asked for. While dad and son headed towards the department store, we could see the mother heading to a different direction with her head down avoiding all possible eyes staring at the family.

Can you imagine the impact created by this emotional explosion? Assume what happens to that father. He lost his cool and shouted at his dearest wife right in the middle of a set of people whom they’ve probably never seen before. He even forgot for a moment that what ought to be a private moment in their life is now exposed to the general public for their judgement and scrutiny. A momentary outburst of his emotion led to a situation that completely went out of hand. I can only imagine how the evening would’ve been back at their home that day!

Now think about the state at which the mother was in. She must have tried with the best of her intentions not to give what the child had asked for. She would’ve expected her dearest husband to support her in the decision since children need to understand the synergy of parents. The moment there is a clash between the father and mother, it is a natural disaster for the children. Instead she was ridiculed by the one on which she had utmost trust. That’s quite a dangerous situation to be in and one that will possibly have lasting impressions in her mind about her husband.

One of the most critical impacts is on none other than the child himself! He had seen his dad shouting at his mom and that too in a public place. This picture gets deeply etched in his mind and he’ll grow up thinking that it is ok to shout at your spouse irrespective of where you are and what situation you are in. He is bound to share his experience with his fellow kids and they’ll in turn have this unhealthy thought growing with them. A new generation is born with a threat to the society!

There is one more category of people who got impacted with the incident; the people who witnessed the scene. Each one of them, who were out there and watched what happened, will form opinions about relationship between a husband and a wife in their own way. Some will think like that father whereas the others will be all against this outrage displayed. Either ways the action by that couple has created an influence one way or other on everyone present there.

Many a times, when in rage, couples express their emotions without even realizing the situation they are in. The consequences almost never cross their minds during such scenarios. It is important that couples need to be aware of this fact and learn to master over their emotions. This is to ensure that you don’t end up being a negative influence on people around you, known or unknown.

Here is wishing you to be blessed with the providence of being a positive inspiration wherever you are! 

Guerrillas around us! - Malayalam Translation

The Malayalam translation of the article Guerrillas around us! - On a special request from a subscriber of Bethlehem Matrimonial Magazine - May 2015  

Guerrillas around us!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Mar 2015

Guerrilla warfare is one of the most effective war strategies ever adopted in the history by less organized groups against mighty forces. The key aspect of this strategy is to attack the marked enemy when it is least expected thereby making the most of the surprise element! How exactly do you think that the Guerrilla warfare is connected to our day-to-day lives? Let me assure you that when you finish reading this piece you will be least startled to see how this strategy is being adopted by many around us especially when it comes to families.

A lot of young couples these days are away from their parents since their professions would’ve taken them to distant places. Some of them get to see the families on a regular basis whereas there are many who get to meet their loved ones once a while only which could range from months to years together. Needless to say, the farther they are the chances of regular communication between these groups could take a hit. Parents back home get to hear many views about their children from their relatives. Some of these views clearly belong to the category of Guerrilla strategy mentioned earlier.

Have you ever received a call from your parents stating that they met one of your cousins after a while and he was saying that you never contact them? The statements also would’ve added flavours that you’re always busy to be reached or never available etc. The fact of the matter could be that you would’ve been busy at the time you were reached and you would’ve later called back. The Guerrilla who raised this concern would’ve been equally busy when you tried calling him back. This part of the picture never gets portrayed and your naive parents would’ve been made to believe one version of the story.

One of the worst affected parties in this whole show is definitely your spouse, irrespective of whether the strategy is devised in this manner or not. They end up being the usual suspects for this ‘phenomenal’ change that had happened in your life. Fingers get pointed at them for being responsible for making the boy or girl ‘change’ from what they were earlier. What neither the families nor the Guerrillas realize is the fact that the priorities in life never remain the same. What would’ve been the top priority for someone before being married may not exactly be the way post marriage. While people forget this aspect of life and leave their dear ones at a state of helplessness, the Guerrillas have a gala time to have gained victory over another set of innocent souls.

The message is loud and clear! When you hold your hands together in front of The Almighty to give birth to a family, you also promise to define the priorities together for your family. This is a truth that needs to be realized by people around you in both your families as well as your friend circles. Just the way you have defined the priority for your family you must respect the priority of others as well. This mutual respect shown to each of the families will gradually dismantle the Guerrilla warriors though you may never see a complete end to people of this kind. After all, the Garden of Eden is never pictured without the wooing snake!

May the good God bless you and the ones around you with the providence to appreciate your life as well as theirs! Let the realization dawn on them that your life is as important as theirs and may your families be informed about the Guerrillas that are on the prowl awaiting a chance to launch an attack on the vulnerable minds!  

Beware and be aware that the Guerrillas are not just there in the dense forests; they are here, right among us! Know them!

Peace be with us.

The Last Turn

He was waiting at a signal couple of blocks away from home when the phone rang. The lovely face of his sweetheart showed up on the mobile screen. The signal was still red and he quickly answered the call enabling the speaker mode.

“Where have you reached?”

“Almost there”.

“Hey listen, mom had called and she reminded about the insurance premium payment.”

“Oh yeah, I totally forgot! We never got around the plan to double the premium to make the policy better. Something or other keeps coming in between and we keep pushing this out. Let us do it at least this time”.

The signal had turned green and he was a bit late to realize that. A couple of honks from behind and he took the car ahead.

“Just a minute, let me cross the signal. You know the traffic is getting crazy off late. The city was much better a couple of years back.”

“Be careful!”

“Of course sweetheart, don’t you know I care for you and our little one?”

“That I do, but I’ve always told you not to speak on the phone while you drive”.

“Oh that’s alright, I’m on speakers. But I guess I’m running out of battery”.

“Hmm... Btw, Junior had a great day at school! He could identify the pictures of all the animals shown. Our son is a smart cookie, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely! Where’s the little rascal? Give the phone to him”.

“Papa Papa, where are you? Guess what, I got a prize in school today!”

“Great news son! Proud of you! Papa will be home soon and will have a surprise for you! Now give the phone to mom”.

“Hey, I’m almost there. Do I need to buy anything today?”

“Nope. You just come home. Where are you now?”

“I’m nearing the last turn”.

She got out to the balcony along with the tiny one and could see his car coming.

“Hey we see the car Papa!”

“Oh yeah, I can see you as well standing there at the balcony. I’ll be home in a...”

What he didn’t see was the huge truck taking a reverse that got in his way. He was at the last turn at a speed of 60 Mph and had his eyes fixed on the balcony waving at his sweetheart and the little one.

The mobile screen still showed her face, though now it was coloured all red! The last thing he heard was a familiar voice of the RJ from the FM station.

“Please don’t use your mobile phone while driving”.

The phone went dead.

Fox & Hen

There once lived a fox and a hen. They were naturally not best of the friends. Once the hen was coming back after a stroll and was extremely hungry. Fox and his family lived on the way to her home which was still quite far. It was the only house in the vicinity whom the hen could ask for food. Hunger overtook the emotion of fear and the hen was brave enough to ask fox to save her life by giving some food. The fox though was surprised initially, offered her food and even packed some for her to have on the way back home. The hen was really happy and shouted to the world the good deed of the fox. By the time she reached back home, the word got spread. The hen was taken aback to see a company of enraged seniors back home who looked thoroughly annoyed. They were so irritated that they demanded an explanation from the hen for having the food at the house of the fox, all the while knowing very well that without that food she would’ve been dead by now. The verdict soon followed. The hen was the official spokesperson for the family. She was to relinquish that title followed by a promise that she’ll rather die than having food from an enemy and praise him for the act of kindness.

Moral of the story: Never praise your enemy even if he did a good deed, especially in certain walks of life! 

Mountbatten’s Coffee Cup

Lord Mountbatten opens the newspaper a week back and as a habit he reads the news from India first. After all he was the one who was entrusted with the task of a handover from British India to an independent India. Handover he did, but not before approving a surgical procedure of dividing the country into two, India and Pakistan resulting in the death of millions of citizens of erstwhile British India in the name of religion and region.

 

The news about formation of Telangana, the 29^th state of India takes the centre page. Mountbatten had a smirk on his face while reading through the news. He was quite amused at the irony of it when he recollected how fiery were the arguments Gandhi, Nehru and Patel among others had, when they talked to him about the need for an Indian Union. Yet again, here is a country which was split into multitude of pieces which perhaps was one of the most complex jigsaw puzzles ever existed. He was the man who helped the people of the country to solve the puzzle. The fact that the jigsaw board was joined with a considerable amount of blood remains history.

What struck Mountbatten as an irony is that, this is the same set of people who accused the British Crown for implementing the policy of Divide & Rule. Of course yes, Britain did that and they did it with a purpose. Unless they had maintained these conflicts within the regions of the subcontinent they would’ve never achieved their agenda of domination. The strange thing that is happening now is the people of the country wanting to walk back to history where they existed as scattered regions of smaller power houses. They conveniently forget the truth that it took a lot of struggle to draw the map of what they see as India today.

Edwina came with a muffin which Mountbatten likes along with his morning coffee. He showed her the news. Her first reaction was, “What’s wrong with these people?” All over the world, even countries are trying their best to unite themselves to form stronger bonds, politically and economically. Here is a country, which by virtue of its size and diversity has earned the title of a subcontinent, predicted to be the next super power in the world and counted among the potential leaders of tomorrow’s world, fighting among themselves to march back to its pre-independence era. 

Unions are getting formed or at least discussed across the globe. The United States remain as a mighty power. European Union has shown its strength. Gulf Union is being thought about. It is a reality that stares at your face that the less disconnected you are, the more powerful you will be. Civil unrest and geographical tensions is the result when states try to defend their territories. Blessed are those who realize the power of being together!

Mountbatten let out a sigh. He was quite painful to see these developments. He has been living all his life watching the result of the partition he approved. He wish he could convene a meeting again with Gandhi, Nehru, Jinnah, Patel and the likes of these men and raise their voice to the people of this country about the dangerous waters they are getting into. It is a Telangana today; a Gorkhaland tomorrow and even surprising was a demand from the God’s Own Country down south for a state of Malabar to be formed!

Ridiculous is the word! It is high time the country realized that splitting is not a solution, it is creating further challenges. Wake up and realize that you are now fighting with yourself. If this continues you’ll end up tearing the country apart to tiny pieces which you may never be able to join again. What could be more alarming are the birds of prey that must be flying high watching your moves awaiting a right moment to strike! Beware of these modern day imperialists who will be waiting for an opportunity to invade and establish their empire even before you know you lost your freedom forever!

Mountbatten got up from his chair and as he turned the coffee cup slipped from his hand and hit the floor. He stood there helpless as he watched the beautifully crafted porcelain which now lies on the floor broken into hundreds of little pieces and they all seem to be asking him a question, ‘Can you make a cup out of us, again?’

Arise Lady Justice!

Wikipedia says a ‘minor’ is a person under a certain age which legally demarcates childhood from adulthood. A lot of fond memories come back to my mind when I think about the term childhood. It was a time when I knew much lesser about the world and even lesser about the vices in it. Childhood is synonymous to innocence. Childhood is when you take your first steps in this big bad world and learn to face the inevitable destiny.

A child makes mistakes and most of them are out of ignorance. It is up to the elders to correct on time so that he understands his mistake. These mistakes usually do not hurt anyone. But when it does and when the child receives a warning, that’s when it gets ingrained in his brain cells that he was wrong and what he did was not to be repeated. Conscience gets developed thus.

It is through a series of these learning that a human being walks through his childhood into adulthood with a sense of right and wrong. The mistakes while being a child is dealt with certain amount of love and tenderness. The same mistakes committed even after the child has grown up are considered with a certain level of seriousness. A flower vase broken by a baby when he begins to walk is taken lightly. Imagine when a similar incident happens when he is fifteen, but this time if the vase was broken purposefully, the reactions are guaranteed to be different.

Mistakes can be accidental or intentional. They are not the same. The former is unplanned and the latter results from a conscious mind. The mind says you are going to commit a mistake but you choose to ignore and go ahead with the intention. The way these two are to be treated must also be different.

When you hurt someone with the intention of inflicting pain on the body and soul of a fellow human being, your conscience dies. Any intentional mistake should be considered with the same amount of gravity irrespective of the age of the person who commits it. The retribution should also be awarded accordingly. The sheer loop hole in the law for exempting a juvenile from the sentence even when an intentional mistake is committed is unacceptable! It is like giving a lollypop to the fifteen year old for breaking the vase. 

He must pay the price for the mistake he committed. It is high time the Lady Justice removed the blinds from her eyes and took a good look at the case. The truth is bare. It is a crime! He deserves the maximum!

Look into the eyes of the young girl, who like you and me had all the rights to walk on the streets of this country. That was when one ‘child’ brutally assaulted, twice raped and left the helpless girl to die on the same streets. This is not childhood neither is this innocence!

While you hold that balance straight to give a fair judgement answer her question, ‘Are you denying me justice because I am an adult and the one who violated and killed me was not one?’

Bottom line: Change the law!

Social Net – Is it really working?

My article published in Bethlehem Matrimonial Magazine - December 2012 Edition

My grandfather is one who has seen Earth completing its journey around the Sun, 99 times! Believe me or not he still has not got tired of that sight. I was fortunate enough to have heard numerous stories from his century old experience on this tiny planet in this Universe. Among these I distinctly remember the one he shared with me about how his wedding got fixed.

Those were the times when the opinion of prospective bride and groom didn’t count much in decisions pertaining to marriage. It was the elders of the family who decided for you, the most important aspect of your life! This could sound strange for the current generation; then again we’re talking about the world in early 1900s.

Grandpa recalled having told by one of his maternal uncles, one fine day, that they have made a plan for him to meet a girl and asked him to get ready. Everything happened in a jiffy and the next thing he remembers is being seated at the home where somewhere inside there was this young lady who was destined to become my grandmother someday in future.

All that my grandfather could get was a quick glance of the bride-to-be, merged with the shadow of the door that was half open. A true life story of marriages being made in heaven and the lesser mortals down on Earth left with no clue about how it happened!

Let us fast forward to the year which will mark the Diamond Jubilee of this very special day for my grandparents. It will be an understatement to say, a lot has changed since then, to the scene of wedding fixing. We now speak of the world where babies in the womb having user profiles on the latest social media who tweets their arrival to the world and plans for a global get together of all the babies born on the same day and same time through the multitude of apps available on the latest smart phones!

The good old parents can’t even imagine the ways with which their children communicate today. The fact is many do not even know technology exists that can break all the traditional barriers of getting to know each other. There are a hundred different ways for today’s brides and grooms to-be, to know the detailed history and even predict how marriage-worthy will a girl or boy is even before you suggest to your child about meeting one.

Proposals still flow through matrimonial sites among other channels and by the time an alliance is thought about by the parents, the girl or boy would’ve got to know each other in the virtual world. Since the world of networking co-exist with people sharing similar psyche it is no longer a surprise that either of them will have a bunch of mutual friends which makes it much easier to get more information.

Friendship circle further extends and the poor parents will be in for a shocker of their life when they ‘liberally’ decide to get the mobile number of the prospective bride or groom for their kid! These modern day wonders would’ve already planned their post retirement getaway on the golden beaches of Tahiti along with their circle of friends and their future partners. What leaves the yester years’ generation more perplexed is the swiftness by which their sons and daughters get all these done!

I admit that some of what has been said above could be a bit exaggerated; nevertheless we need to believe that this is no fantasy. The world has changed and so has the younger generation. Both the parents and their children need to realize the impact of social networking on each other. As exciting as it could get for you to know about your prospective future partner through these options, it is equally important that you appreciate the insights shared by your parents and siblings. Every adult has an amount of reasoning granted by your Creator which should be put to the best use before you take vital decisions in life.

May you be able to appreciate the power of both your family as well as social networking and may the good God help you strike a balance between emotions and reasoning.