Accept… Not Expect!

After a few days of getting married, my wife and I travelled to Bangalore where I was working. She had decided to join me in the Garden City and we started setting up our house. After the initial days of settling down, she started experimenting with her culinary skills. As ‘customary’, my mom had told her about all my interests and being a loving wife she tried to cook some of those dishes which I like. Many of them were quite tasty but living the life of a proverbial husband, I immediately applied a benchmark of my mom’s cooking.

Words of expectation floated around. She tried to change some of the cooking styles to meet the expectation, but soon enough I realized a major fact. My mom cooked in ‘her own’ style which she developed that our family loved. The same logic should really apply in my wife’s case as well. She has a style of cooking which should be supported by giving her a freehand. This alone will help us as a family than having to perform under pressure of expectations. As soon as she was made comfortable with this acceptance, our kitchen exploded with never-before experienced flavours! I now have a new benchmark for taste.

I mentioned the above instance just to highlight the importance of acceptance than having expectations which many a times become unjustified. This is not just true in case of a couple, but equally important for the extended family members as well. I’m not quite sure how much have the male of our species experienced this pressure tactics in our society which still heavily leans towards its patriarchal nature. At the risk of being biased, let me highlight the case of girls this time.

From the day a proposal comes to a family, followed by seeing the picture of the girl, this expectation game starts. The family starts discussions about how the girl is, how she should be etc. Once the wedding gets fixed, these discussions become even more intense. More such conversations take place among the relatives as the wedding date approaches. Expectations hit the roof as soon as the bride sets her foot in the house. Everyone has something or other to say, irrespective of any trace of logic present in their statements. Most often the groom is oblivious to these conversations and the bride is left at the mercy of a bunch of strangers who will be showering her with an avalanche of these expectations. The ordeal has just begun!

Life goes on and just like how performance reviews happen in the corporate world, the new bride gets reviewed time to time based on the expectations that were set up for her. The relatives seem to have quite an uncanny ability to judge the new bride on every possible occasion. The discussions go from her choice of dress to the style of ornaments and many more such topics which suddenly seem to take an elevated level of importance. What could be surprising in some families is the fact that this performance review does not stop even after many other ‘new brides’ join the family. The show goes on.

One of the possible psychology behind this behaviour is that historically the family would’ve built an expectation about how the girl for a guy should be. By virtue of seeing the boy grow up from childhood they want their would-be daughter-in-law of the family to have certain traits to match the guy. What they do not realise is the fact that the girl who is coming into the family comes with a definite personality which she developed in most cases over a period of three decades or less.

While some families realise the importance, what many still don’t practice is the art of ‘accepting’ instead of ‘expecting’. You should be able to accept the new member of the family with all her positives and negatives. The more you try to mould, at times even break, her personality to induct her into your boundary of expectation, you’re potentially pushing her to a point of no return where she either snaps or develops an attitude of indifference!

May the good God bless you with the providence of acceptance than setting expectations! Let the family be blessed with the young new mind who comes in with hopes and prayers. May you all experience the bliss of a soul that can rejoice in your acceptance than having to constantly live under your X-ray eyes of expectation! God bless!

Travel Tip 01: Planning Your Trip

It is a well-known truth that nothing is more refreshing than travelling to locations, especially new ones. Many families do this at least once in a year. While going for a tour can be quite a relaxing experience, an unplanned trip can turn out to be a disaster. It is important that you have a fair amount of idea about where to go, what to see and what to do at the locations you’ve included in your trip. Many people avoid the hassle of arranging for the trip by paying a handsome amount to a travel agency, especially for international trips. There are quite a few who prefer to plan the trip themselves and enjoy every moment of doing so.

For those who dare to plan the trip themselves, here are a few tips that could possibly help them plan better:

Plan in advance

Unless it is a last minute trip plan, always ensure that you give enough time for planning the trip. There could be many unknowns that may need more time. It’ll help to have enough time in hand for such eventualities. It’ll also help especially with booking of tickets for flights, trains etc. Most of the time ticket prices are quite low when booked in advance.

Check-list

It is an absolutely handy tool to have a check-list created for activities or items required for the trip. May it be getting a Visa or taking the mobile charger with you, the check-list is a sure shot success to ensure that you have not forgotten anything important. It is also a good practice to keep a copy of this check-list with you so that you can use it for your subsequent trips. You could even categorize the check-list as domestic vs international or cold weather vs warm weather etc. and plan the execution accordingly. As and when an activity is completed, you could strike that through. It’ll give you a sense of completion for your trip preparation.

Passport / Visa Requirement

If it is an international trip, one of the key factors to be considered is your readiness with respect to passport and Visa(s). You need to ensure that your passport is valid at least for 6 months (in most cases) and you’ve a valid Visa for the country or countries to which you are travelling. Visa processes can differ from country to country and you’ll definitely need to factor in some time to ensure that you’ve the required Visa in hand before the trip.

Accommodation

While staying with family or friends can be quite a comfortable experience and saves you good amount of money, staying at a hotel can be very liberating. You may want to keep in mind a famous saying that, “A guest is a guest for two days; after which they become a pest”. Various online booking options such as Booking.com, Airbnb.com etc. offer quite a few alternatives for accommodation. You need to be careful about choosing one by looking at the ratings and reviews of the hotel / apartment. Asking people who’ve booked earlier through such options is also a good idea. Cost needs to be a key consideration as well since this is one factor that could put a big hole in your travel budget.

Foreign Exchange

For international trips where you need to handle a currency that is different from your home country, it is important that you plan to carry certain amount of foreign currency acceptable in that country. This is where it could get tricky. You need to have a fair estimate of the amount required for which you obtain the foreign exchange. Anything less will possibly leave you cashless in a foreign country. On the other hand, anything in excess at the end of your trip will possibly cost you more since you could end up losing some amount while returning the currency to foreign exchanges. Using a pre-loaded forex card or your own credit card are also options, provided the destination you are heading to accept cards and is safe to do so.

Food

You wouldn’t believe the amount that just drains away on this particular expense while at your destination! One of the tricks of the trade is not to have all meals at restaurants. Instead, if feasible, plan your own cooking for which you could choose apartments with kitchen and utensils. Alternately, you could carry a small electric cooker which could help you cook a bit if required. This is especially helpful when you have little kids for whom food from outside all three times may end up as a wrong choice for their health. An alternate to restaurant food could be local supermarkets where you could buy food items that you could either consume directly or cook a bit yourself. This is guaranteed to make you happier at the end of your trip when you look at your budget sheet!

Budget

Last but not the least, all of the above and more in one way or other contribute to your expense for the trip. You need to have an idea of how much you intent to spend for the trip. It is equally important to have a check on your budget during the trip so that you won’t end up overspending. It could be quite normal for you to have changes in your plans during the trip, but having a budget will help you to have a hold of your spending which will eventually help with your financial planning.

Though there are many more tips that may not have made its way to the above list, there is one not so obvious factor that you need to give its due respect. It is nothing other than ‘common sense’. This is one critical factor that will ensure your safety above everything else throughout your trip. Hope you find this list useful and plan your next trip accordingly.

Wish you a very happy and safe journey. God bless.

Tracks of life

Almost a decade back, there used to be a track on which a lone train used to ply for close to three decades. He had very few stops and never had to give way for another train since the track was exclusively used by him. Given this luxury, he ran at speeds he wished and did whatever he pleased. But interesting enough not even once he got derailed and always remained faithful to the track.

One fine day a parallel track came into picture and a beautiful train started to run next to him. She was elegant, poised and much more sensible. He loved her company and enjoyed the trips together. With the additional track came the need for managing the network better and so came Station Masters who laid down the rules of running. Schedule suddenly became important and that was one major change for him and for her too. Though there were initial resistance to change they got used to it soon.

While the tracks mostly ran parallelly there were times when they had to cross their paths. They did that gracefully and soon were joined by two little tracks in a few years. Two smaller trains ran on these tracks and the railway network expanded adding further importance to schedule and time. All trains were running smooth. Except for a few hiccups here and there, by and large the network was quite good.

Everything was good except for that time of the year when he had to part ways with her and the two little trains for their annual maintenance and overhaul. This was when the trains returned to their garages leaving him high and dry. The three lines that run parallel to him were now empty. Though momentary, this emptiness was killing him.

He could neither go back to the days of pre-schedule nor ply with rules laid down. This suspended way of operation always took a toll on him. He was reminded of the very solitude that almost drove him crazy a decade back. His tolerance level was much lower now.

Nevertheless ply he did, looking forward to the day when the network restarted operations with the beautiful train and the little Chuggingtons back in action! Till then the choo-choo must go on... 

Good Enough? Not Enough!

It has been a year and a half since our last vacation. Reasons were multiple, for not able to travel somewhere since our last trip. What mattered most was that we finally decided where to go and started planning for the trip. Since the trip was planned for a couple of weeks, two hands were not enough for the preparation. Hence my wife and I both started getting things arranged such as hotel bookings, train bookings, sight-seeing tours etc.   

As we started with the activities related to the trip, we noticed an interesting phenomenon. Most of the times when I come up with an option which I thought was the best after an ‘extensive’ research, was not found good enough by my sweetheart. Many a times I returned the favour too. Our differences in opinion at times reached a pinnacle that we almost dropped the vacation plan!

Couple of weeks into the planning we now realize that those indifference got us much better deals and a great value for our hard earned money. We were fighting for a just cause and not just for a cause!

A trip planning is just one such example were you’ll observe this behaviour in the life of many couples. When it comes to spending money on something that is required for the family, there is a possibility for us to think that what we searched and found the best-in-the-world offer whereas if we extend our search a bit more, we could possibly get an even better deal. For the majority of us who are constrained with a limited set of financial resources, it is important that we develop a mind-set that gives real value for our money.

The indifference between the couples do not just bring the best, out of the deals for the family. Believe it or not, it also leads to couples discovering each other more. The very reason why one does not agree with the other is because of the fact that they’ve not really understood each other to the extent of knowing what their better half needs. Hence such indifference should not be perceived as a negative experience, instead is a step that takes the family forward together. Imagine the surprise and the happiness thereof when you discover a whole new nature hidden deep inside your partner!

While it is really helpful to discover each other more as a couple, it is equally important not to overdo this. You should ideally know where the limit is and draw the line accordingly. It is a useful common sense to know that a rubber band while can be stretched, will snap at some point. Many times this common sense is what will help you know the extent of discovery you should try to make. Just like a rubber band, you as a couple should learn to stretch each other without affecting the elasticity of your relationship.

The philosophy of ‘Good Enough? Not Enough!’ should really be applied with a genuine interest between the partners with the sole objective of bringing good for the family. There is a very high possibility for egos to work out during this conflict. It is equally important to apply the principle that for a relationship to really become beautiful you should keep an open mind to listen to the other side of the story. Learn to accept the fact that, what you thought as best for the family may not always be the case. This simple act of acceptance alone will take you a long way into the future as a family whose marriage was indeed made in heaven!

May you be fortunate enough to be blessed with the power of acceptance which probably is one of the most pivotal and beneficial skills to attain in a married life.

God bless!

Political Signs

The recent Assembly election in the state of Karnataka was labelled as a major political drama. When election result got announced, the party that is in power in the Parliament became the single largest party though they still didn’t have majority in the Assembly. Two of the next biggest parties formed a coalition post-election and claimed the right to form the government since, together, they have majority in the Assembly.

The plot thickened with Governor of the state applying his discretionary power and invited the ruling party to form the government giving fifteen days to prove majority. A Chief Minister was sworn in as well on the same day tasked with the challenge of proving majority. The opposition parties filed a case at the Supreme Court and got the duration offered by the Governor reduced to four days. The climax of the drama unfolded with the one-day-wonder Chief Minister resigning after failing to prove majority in the Assembly for his party! As I write this, the erstwhile opposition was invited by Governor to form the government and it is now their turn to prove majority in the next four days.

So what is the moral of the story and what has a family with a husband and wife got to learn from this political debacle? The most important take away from the whole story is that you should know when to accept your defeat and exit gracefully. Else you’ll make yourself go through twists and turns finally forcing you, against your own will, to accept a humiliating end.

I’m pretty sure that many of us relate quite well to the parties mentioned in the story above. We may have situations in life where we know that we’ve lost the battle, yet our ego wouldn’t allow us to accept the defeat. Instead we’ll cling on to the invisible ray of hope looking ahead to the future which ironically has got dooms-day written all over it.

Even when we are fully aware not to push our luck any further, we continue to deploy all possible means with a vicious intention of achieving the impossible at any cost. This will even include reaching out to someone to vouch for us, all the while knowing that it is completely unethical to do so.

What we purposefully do is to turn a blind eye on the reality itself. We blatantly ignore fact that our attempt to cover up our mistakes is seen and understood by the significant other in our life. The truth is played right in front of their eyes just like in a movie theatre and there is no merit in trying to close your eyes and assume that others are equally blind!

The most right thing to do is to accept your mistake or defeat at the earliest. It isn’t easy, but being open to your dear ones about your downfalls will help you to recover from the losses faster than you think. What we need to keep in our mind is that we are not fighting an election battle here. The one from whom you are trying to keep a secret is not your political rival. He or she is your partner for life. A coalition that needs to be secured with the divine thread of love and trust. Doubt has no place here.

An equally important learning from our story is that, during situations like these, it is important you sort these out among yourselves than involving an external influencer. These most often backfire as you saw in the story.

It may seem quite strange that India being the largest democracy, we find our political parties playing all sorts of games that eventually turns out to be digging the grave for this great democratic nation. At least what we could make use of is such lessons these politicians teach us without they even being aware of it. More importantly apply them in our daily lives to ensure that we learn to live our life to the fullest.

May the good God bless you with the foresight to know when to stop and accept a defeat so as to recuperate from your loss and rise from the ashes as the legendary Phoenix bird! 

For a change, may the signs of politics be a leading light for better life!

Independence – The Double Edged Sword!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - May 2018

Many years back when an aunt of mine came home from US for vacation, she made an observation about the families there. I was quite surprised to learn that kids over there are encouraged or many a times even forced to move out of their parents’ home by the time they attain certain age, say 18 years, sometimes even younger. They need to find their own way of living by getting into smaller jobs first and later with the education they obtain, learn to stand on their own feet. Once they are ready and find a suitable partner, they will decide on having a family.

I for sure found it quite hard to digest this as a concept at that time, since in India, staying with your parents was quite normal even after you get married. In the past we even had multiple families staying together under the same roof in an arrangement fondly named joint family system.

There are good and bad about both the arrangements. While the American method makes the kids more independent from early ages, the Indian way provides a well-supported infrastructure of a family which may prove helpful in different phases of life.

While the Indian approach seemed to have worked very well for many decades, the more recent changes in the design of families demand a rethinking of this structure. The number of siblings compared to yesteryears’ generation have come down, leading to a reduction in number of families. My dad and mom both have a family of eight siblings whereas I’ve just one brother. This is the case with most of my cousins where the maximum number of siblings they have is three. When it came to the next generation the trend is not too different with few exception where there are more than three kids in a family.

In addition, the area of education have seen a whole lot of new avenues opening up. It is quite common now for children to go far away from their parents’ home for higher education. They start to lead an independent life and decisions big or small are made many a times all by themselves.

All these and more I believe have led to a need to adopt a hybrid approach to the previous Indian method for families. As a society, Indians are designed to be quite a close-knit unit. Hence it is essential to design an approach where both independence as well as family bonding are addressed.

It is quite natural for parents to be patronizing their children. For parents, a child will always remain as one, how much ever older he or she become. This is genetically designed and can never be changed. Hence it is important for parents to realize that the longer they keep the children under their wings lesser empowered they’ll be. It is important to let go, even if it is emotionally painful.

For young adults especially the ones who are ready to start a family or who started one recently, it is important to learn and handle situations independently. The more you are dependent on your parents the less efficient you will be in handling a family all by yourself. It may seem ironic how our parents achieved this capability all the while being with their parents. The secret of their success lay in the sheer numbers in the family. Just because of the multitude of numbers in families in the past, parents really didn’t have dedicated time to focus on every child. That naturally led to children handling responsibilities independently making them better human beings.

The culture we have in India is such an enriched one that we should reap the benefits that our forefathers have sowed with their lives. Having said that it is equally important to learn to go with the stride so that we don’t fall behind the rest of the world with respect to becoming better human beings.

It is a huge cultural stir and it is quite important that you don’t get drowned in this change. The secret here is to embrace the change by knowing when you can swim against the current and have a safe base to return to in case you get carried away by the current. That’s where parents and children need to agree on a common set terms of how to handle this double edged sword to make best use of the virtue of independence.

Take care and God bless!

Flashback Funda

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Apr 2018

The scene reminded you of day one of battle of Kurukshetra. The royal family was at war. The only difference compared to Kurukshetra is that, the opponents are the king and the queen themselves. Both are ready with their army fully equipped with weapons. Infantry, cavalry and artillery are all summoned. Even the mightiest of the weapons including ‘Brahmastra’ will be available to be deployed if required. Both the king and the queen are fuming with rage. A mighty war is about to begin!

All of a sudden comes a sage cutting right through the battalions that are all set to fire their weapons at each other. He is carrying a huge canvas on which he projects one after the other, every single moment of happiness the king and queen spent together. Right from the days before they became one, through their courtship, into their lovely marriage and their beautiful children, all unravels in front of their eyes.

The fuming faces slowly reains the lost emotion of love. With every passing image, the anger that was deep down got pushed aside by the soft and gentle feelings. By the time the projection ended the king and the queen were looking at each other in their eyes. They reached out and hugged each other not realizing that their army of millions have been replaced with a beautiful bed of red roses!

Now, bring the above scene to your homes. Replace the king and the queen with you and your sweetheart. An argument or two led the both of you to face each other to be battle ready. Your arsenal is prepared automatically with all the reasoning in the world to sling mud at each other. You even kept the secret Brahmastra ready, the one complaint that you’ve been hiding deep down in your mind which you never bothered to open up and speak with your partner.

So who is the sage that comes in between? That’s none other than your emotional intelligence that you need to apply in such a situation. Take a step back and probably with some efforts try to bring into your mind all those beautiful moments that you spent with your loved one till date. One after the other let your mind be in a slideshow mode that projects all the awesome memories you cherish.

Voila! You’ll be surprised to know that you no longer are in a mood to fight. What is even better is that you have found a way to work around the argument that led to the bitter mood earlier. This is nothing but the ‘flashback funda’!

We live in a world filled with a lot negative emotions. It is quite natural that we could get influenced by many of them in our daily lives. Knowingly or otherwise these come up between you and your sweetheart on a daily basis. Many a times these lead to arguments and eventually an exchange of heated words or a complete silence for a duration that’s not known.

When we are mentally ‘at a state of war’ it is quite difficult to think of alternate options to bring back the peace in our lives. That’s exactly why we need to put our minds through an exercise that is guaranteed to work wonders. Your momentary anger could be nothing compared to the magnitude of happiness you experienced till date in your life. It is important not to let that anger spoil the value of happiness you invested in your relationship.

Who doesn’t like to look at an album filled with wonderful images from the past? These are moments that we preserved for future. These are the slices of life that we want to go back and live again. That’s exactly what flashback funda proposes to you. When you are at a point where you think life is not fair, bring back your memories and remind yourself, this is just a passing phase. Life had been fair to you indeed and that exactly is the reason you enjoy what you have now.

May you have the wisdom to press the pause button on an imminent ‘war’ and the prudence to bring back to your minds the moments of celebration from the past. This is guaranteed to sustain the peace in our families and allow us to enjoy our life the way it should be.

God bless!