Crime of Comparison

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Dec 2013

 

Some of us probably grew up facing questions such as these, “Have you ever seen him doing this? Or Why don’t you learn from her? Or What is that we don’t provide you that you can’t score like her?” Human beings are born with an innate nature to compare and see what can be made better. Unfortunately in certain cases the comparison does a lot of damage to a person that it even affects the psyche.

 

Comparisons during childhood have many a times proved to be negatively influencing a child than motivating to perform better. It becomes even worse when this concept finds its way into the life of a married couple. I remember a joke that I read in one of the national dailies a while ago. It says, ‘People always regret buying a new phone or getting married. This is because of an afterthought that they could’ve waited for a better model’! With a phone the afterthought is excused, but not with the latter.

Many of us still complain about the material aspects of life. The complaints range from the food that was cooked or dressing/grooming tastes or gifts that are bought or not bought for each other on occasions. Family and friends come into picture when these comparisons are worked out. A man could be complaining about a dish that would’ve been prepared better by his mom or the not so upgraded wardrobe of his wife. The woman will have complaints of how her wish remains unfulfilled to have a three stone diamond set just like what her best friend was gifted by her better half during their anniversary.

What people do not realize is the fact that with each of these comparisons you cease to respect the other person in your life the way they are. When you respond, “I do”, come what may, to the priest, what you mean is an unconditional “I do”. This is one clause that should not come with a * that says ‘Conditions Apply’. You cannot say that I thought she’ll cook like my mom or he’ll buy me what I wish or she’ll love all my friends or he’ll be exactly like my dad or brother who were such guardian angels to me.

You agree to a new life with a whole lot of uncertainties which is part of any life, married or otherwise. In marriage you in fact get a bonus of an additional pair of hands to hold you through these uncertainties provided you accept this as a blessing. The moment you start expecting your sweetheart to be like someone else you are in fact killing his/her self. Ask yourself, do you want to make a clone of your spouse by having the best of all what you have seen among your family and friends? On the contrary you let your partner-for-life be that. Just like the partners in a doubles game of tennis trusting each other with their abilities so that they take the game forward together to win the match.

The biggest gift you could offer to your better half is the trust you have on him/her. The moment the significant other in your life realizes that you trust him/her more than anyone else, a strong foundation gets laid. Being married is not a thing of the past. It is a present continuous process for future. You learn every day. You may even be surprised after ten years of being together to know a totally new character of your spouse since people seldom remain the same over a period of time. So the test of time is something every couple will face in their life. Bestowing your trust on each other is the only way you take this life happily forward.

Remember, to compare is a crime. You are here as a pair to trust and love each other so that you respect the other self and thereby yourself.

The Push!

Year 2001, first year in the new millennium and I was happily walking towards the terrace of my college hostel in Coimbatore along with a bunch of my friends. We were to attend the flag hoisting ceremony to mark the 54^th year of Mountbatten handing over the baton of power to Nehru.
 

The college principal being the ex-officio warden of our hostel was the one to hoist the flag. The ceremony was done with due reverence in the presence of hundreds of hostel inmates. The hostel building which reminded me of the cellular jail in Andaman, though not exactly in terms of the structure, was capable of accommodating more than 400 students. A learned discourse followed in perfect Tamil when the principal of course highlighted the struggle our forefathers had gone through to get us this freedom which we now enjoy free of cost.

Being my first year in Tamil Nadu and not that proficient in Tamil yet, I experienced the same struggle my forefathers did to perhaps understand the emotional words of wisdom that came out from the veteran principal. Nevertheless since patriotism does not need a language to describe I could still manage to figure out the critical aspects of his speech.

It was customary for someone from the hostel to give a return address after the principal finishes his speech. I was standing right in front of the crowd who had gathered in a circle around the flag pole. I could see a whole bunch of seniors and super seniors standing right behind me and was expecting any one of them to start with their return address.

Those were the days when you were expected to be quite respectful towards your seniors lest invite their wrath which will prove to be pretty difficult to survive in the hostel later. Hence seniors used to be in the limelight for all possible functions and juniors will await a day when their turn will come for taking the centre stage. Such thoughts went through my mind and were probably even thinking of a day when I’ll step forward to give a wonderful speech filled with patriotism uplifting the spirit of the nation and reminding everyone to be thankful to our previous generations for the freedom we enjoy today!

What happened next was not even in my wildest of the dreams! All I remember was feeling a very powerful hand right on my back which pushed me to the centre of the circle where the principal was eagerly awaiting for someone to come forward to give the return address. All these happened in a flash that it took a few seconds for me regain my composure. I could suddenly feel 400 pairs of eyes directly staring at me as if an animal of prey is about to pounce on its victim! All my words that formed the soul stirring speech that was part of my day dream a moment ago seem to have gone into an eternal hiding. I could not even utter a single syllable; forget about natural flowing sentences which have to be contextual as well.

Guess times like these generate a very specific hormone in human body which initially creates an excessive amount of fear which either turns you into a zombie-like mental state or wakes up the Phoenix within you which arises from the ashes of the fear that is burned! Goddess of fortune was with me on that day and out came the very first extempore I delivered in my life till then.

The Phoenix continues its flight till date and I’m happy for that hand-of-God that pushed me to the unknown territories which I explored quite heavily afterwards...

Mothers - The Natural Managers!

I was preparing to get back to work after a long leave of more than two weeks. Office restarts the next day and I thought of refilling the empty grocery stands at home by paying a visit to the hypermarket. I knew it’ll be a bulk purchase and it made sense to go there. The visit was initially planned for during the day but having a little one at home does not always help with sticking to the plan. It was close to 8 o’ clock in the evening by the time we decided to go out. The kid was given a bath and was dressed up to go out. I then went in for a quick bath and by the time I came out the little one was leaning to his mom and had started to doze off.

My sweetheart asked me to reduce the volume of the TV where she was watching one of her favorite shows. As a pseudo time conscious husband, I promptly switched off the TV asking her to go ahead and wash herself so that we can leave without much delay. Guess that’s the moment when she promptly switched over to her management hat.

I was all set to go out as soon as she was ready so that we can return early after finishing the shopping. That’s when she asked me a seemingly innocent question. “What exactly do we need for tomorrow?” I started with a list I had in my mind. Milk, bread, fruits, juice, eggs, vegetables… By the time I finished the list, as if using a magical wand she had already prioritized the items as, critical to have, should have and nice to have.

She identified that there’s one apple left in our fruit tray which I could take to office tomorrow. She could have a pomegranate that was still there or watermelon in the fridge. She promptly remembered the idly batter that was also chilling out in the fridge and mentally mapped her breakfast and my lunch to that, solving that question as well.  A couple of eggs that remain will do for tomorrow just as the case with some of the left over dishes that she can have for lunch. The only thing that remained and critical was milk.

Hypermarkets obviously take longer time with the variety of options they offer that make you drag through the store as well as the long queues awaiting you at the cash counter. Round-the-corner supermarkets always offer a warm welcome for quick buy and it is no surprise that she could visualize the milk cans sitting nicely on the refrigerated shelves of the nearby supermarket.

As I was ready to go, the most natural thing for me to say was, “Ok then, I’ll go and get the milk from the supermarket”. She thought for a moment and said, “If it is only for the milk, why don’t you just give them a call and get it delivered? We can get the rest of the stuff tomorrow either on your way back from office or we can go together”. 

A whole day of planning to go to hypermarket was reduced to a phone call in a matter of couple of minutes. Oh yes, she promptly put the baby to bed and switched on the TV. Her favorite show was still on.

I bowed to the brilliance of the natural born management genius and I knew for sure that it is not the B-school where she had gone that taught her this!

Love

The morning was quite as usual. This small town where she was married to has now become her world. She has learned to fall in love with the quiet neighborhood and the simple people at her in-laws’ place. The one who brought her here is a proud son of India fighting for the country. Serving the nation was not alien to her since she grew up with her dad being part of the police force. All this has taught her what to expect from a spouse. She never complained, though felt a pain once a while for not having enough of him.

 

She remembered the conversation with him last night. He was miles away from the homeland in one of the tiny island countries in the Pacific. It was a training duty to prepare the men of the sea for any eventualities. His life in the Navy always demanded such extreme training measures. Swimming in the sea has always been a cake walk for him and he used to be quite confident about that. Nevertheless she asked him to be careful. Prompt came his reply, “Why do you even bother dear? Sea is like mom. I’ll be as safe as lying on her lap while cutting across the waves”.That made her smile though her hands naturally reached out to the rosary and prayed to the Mother of all, the one that has always been her solace especially during the times when he had to be away from her.

It was mid-afternoon and she was a bit annoyed that he had not called yet. Then again she thought the training could have been day long and that’s not unusual. She was quite sure of a call as soon as he could reach a phone. They’ve been married for over a year now and though the times spent together were less, they both felt the connection. For this they didn’t need any endorsement of a Platinum Day of Love.

She prepared for the evening prayers as was customary in most of the Catholic families. By the time she was half way through the prayers, her mind started wandering with thoughts of why the call never came. She could feel that she is starting to get worried. A full day without a call had never happened before unless he had told her in advance. She tried to put her thoughts to rest and finished the prayers in full faith.

There was no number where he could be reached. All what she could do was wait. She picked up the very exciting book which was half finished. Somehow it didn’t seem to generate interest anymore. She skimmed through the pages like in a dream. Stories about defense personnel have always been her choice and this book was no different. The main character was a Navy personnel himself and had left his wife and their newborn for a combat mission. A few days of action and at the end of an anticipated day of return of the war hero, she received two uniformed military officers at her home.

The officers were carrying a small case with them wrapped in a national flag. She had read about this in multiple books and seen enough movies to understand what that means. Her hero is now part of nation’s history of its fight against evil. Her heart skipped a beat but her eyes never gave her away. She remembered his statement and told herself, “Lie down on your mother’s lap my sweetheart. Sleep well. Your country is proud of you. So am I”.

Her in-laws tried to console her. But she knew that she was in a dream. A dream from which she’ll never wake up...

The Question

Shortly after I reached office one morning, I messaged my wife asking if she had her breakfast. I wanted to ensure that she does not delay it like she often does. I had to resort to a quick message since I was getting into a meeting which went on for more than an hour. By the time I came out of the meeting and could call her it was almost 11:00 AM. 

 

She picked up the call and knew that I was going to ask the same question that I do every other morning. Even before I could put the question forward she promptly came up with a statement that she fed our little one and was about to have her breakfast. I tried a different strategy today and so instead of asking her to be regular with breakfast and all sorts of advice, I thought about a simile and started off like this…

“Sweetheart, do you remember the road rollers we had back in our home town? Not the recent ones but the really old ones which were quite tall and gigantic in stature.”

“Yes, of course!” she said.

I continued, “These huge machines have wheels made of rock which is used to crush the metal pieces along with asphalt laid on the roads. You may have noticed that these large sized wheels get quite dry after a while. To ensure that the flattening of roads happen in a smooth manner,there will be one person, a man or a woman applying water on these rock wheels from time to time.

They risk getting their hands in between the wheel and its rim but this is critical for the operation. Else this humongous vehicle will come to a halt leaving the work unfinished. You see how important is water for the continuous operation of a road roller? It is absolutely necessary to feed it with water so that it can continue to work in full capacity. I want you to understand that breakfast is one such vital thing and it is very important that you have it on time. Ensure that you feed yourself and not just our little one so that your health does not get affected.”

I could imagine her nodding her head and smiling at the other end of the phone. But after a couple of moments of silence, I was totally speechless when she asked me a question, “So you think I’m like a road roller?!”

Dedicated to all good-hearted husbands! :)

Journey of a Coke can

Do you remember the case of the missing Coke Can in MyCoke My Pain? That little kid who lost his first ever Coke can before he could even take a second sip had always wondered where that can went. What would’ve happened to that little red aluminium wonder on that fateful day of his life?He left the can in the briefing room of a ship as it was too cold and on return found out to his dismay that the wonderful gift he received only a few minutes back was no longer to be seen!

If you are also wondering what happened to the Coke can that day and the emotions it went through from that moment onwards let me invite you to embark on the journey of the Coke can…

The Coke can sat there on the table with a heavy heart trying to understand what just happened. He was quite happy a moment ago with the kid who was all excited to see a can for the first time in his life. The next moment the can was left in company of lots of unanswered questions. The can was totally annoyed with the sailor who took him noticing the open lid. It was decided that the can is no longer required and was given an unceremonious adieu to the military trash container present on the ship. After a few hours he found himself being hoisted from his temporary graveyard and presented to a larger set of orphans. These included half bitten apples, left over juices, tissue papers that were once clean and filled with fragrance which now lie among these unwanted elements which the humans call, trash.

He reflected upon his life while being there in the unpleasant environment awaiting his destiny. A few moments back, he was perched high on a pile of similar beings inside a four walled building which was quite cold. The cold penetrated through his aluminium body and made his blood inside chill. He had heard several times,human beings say, the likes of him tasted better when their blood is chilled and that’s the reason why they’re kept inside this high-walled jail for which they’ve a funny name too, refrigerator.

The jail was a happening place. All the while he could see one by one his friends and relatives saying good-bye and new ones joining the army. They say you are destined for delivering your life blood to the humans. They need a daily quota for survival and you are fulfilling a major void for them. How much moregratifying can your life be? Before even he knew, the day came when it was time for him to deliver.

He was presented in his entire royal splendor with red velvet coat and regal white stripes to a little boy who was looking at him with eyes filled with wonder. He was quite amused to see the emotions of surprise, curiosity and happiness in the boy’s eyes and realized that he was being presented to a virgin! What a destiny! He was dreaming of satisfying the young palette of the little boy and of course he did as soon as the tap of joy was opened. A small portion of his life blood which was chilled to perfection slid down the winding paths of the young adult mouth floor.The dark brown colored liquid found its way through layers of taste buds, tickling the sensations of taste and bringing the little one almost to the verge of an ecstasy! He felt he has begun to fulfill his destiny.

A few moments after this glorious achievement he was placed back on the table and the boy was accompanied out of the room along with the family. He could not understand why. He could see the longing eyes of the boy trailing back at him, though his screams pleading to be taken along with seems to have been unheard. He then felt the hands of the sailor around him. For a moment he thought he’ll be rejoined with the little kid but the trip was to end in the trash container along with his dreams of fulfilling the needs of a young human being and thereby achieving his destiny.

He was shaken up from his thoughts when the larger waste container was moved to some other place. After a few hours of being transported to some location he saw the light coming back with the container’s lid opened again. His roommates were separated and he was taken to an awful looking machine with large teeth and claws which seems to be filled with malice. He was soon put on a conveyer belt and was traversing down a lane which he thought was quite cool. Little did he realize that at the end of the belt there awaited him the deadly jaws of the crushing machine for which the conveyer belt was the arm that led the captives, in the disguise of a trip to paradise.

All his fears came true with death staring right at him through the gleaming teeth of the crusher which seem to be waiting to devour him alive! He could not even cry and before even he said Our Father one last time the hands of death squeezed the last drop of the life blood he had and pushed him to the other side of the world, or so he felt.

Surprise! He was not dead! Alive he was, though something seemed to be different. He had lost his red velvet gown and the white stripes. He now had a silvery sheen with a mat finish and people started calling him a new name, an aluminium sheet. He was taken to a larger storage area minus the cold seeping in and he could make out that it is not a refrigerator. He learned from his fellow beings that they were in a storage space for aluminium sheets which is used to manufacture cans. He was assured that he’ll soon regain his red velvet gown and the white stripes and will have his life again which he thought he lost. This was good news for him and he longed to see the little kid again as well.

Years went by; he changed his shape multiple times over and again. He fulfilled the lives of many a human beings but was never happy since he was still in search for the pair of eyes that looked at him with so much of awe and happiness years back. He was getting weary every time he saw new digits replacing the years in a calendar.

He was presently relaxing in the chilled mode with his red robe and white stripes inside a refrigerator on a large oil tanker. It has been two decades since he met that kid and the memories of that incident in a ship was promptly brought back to him the moment he got to know that his latest assignment will be on a tanker. He was deep in his thoughts when he could hear some faint voices reaching the room where he was placed. This being the captain’s room it is quite normal for visitors to join and he had seen his friends and relatives being carried away for fulfilling their duties.

There were three men. They all seem to be tired after a tour of the ship in the hot weather of the Middle Eastern country they were in. He heard a voice suddenly saying, “Hey bro, do you remember the Coke story that happened long back?” The captain seemed to have taken a couple of moments to respond. But when he did, he sounded quite excited and said, “Of course, feel free to have one now”.

What happened next was too good to be true that he felt the doors of heaven being opened when the owner of the first voice opened the refrigerator. The man picked up his friend first but later decided to pick him instead and looked at him with such wonderful eyes with the same intensity of happiness and love that he had seen twenty years back.

It was him!

Tail end: He discovered later that the captain of this ship was the little kid’s cousin who was there along with him when they first met.

Lessons from School Dropouts

Have you ever had an experience with the school dropouts you interact every day, which made you ask the question, is my college education worth anything? Some of these guys are so smart in striking a deal that I feel every Business School need to have a course of practical wisdom. Talking to these folks will provide you with such insights which no university in this world can offer.
 

Our Middle Eastern stint crossed its second year and we had planned to shift our house. We found a place and planned to shift in the next couple of weeks. While being there checking out the house and talking to the main security guard about the details of rent and other facilities I met one of the cleaners there named Gani. He approached me earnestly and put across a request to give him my car for regular washing and almost politely asserted that I give only to him. I didn’t commit anything that day since the rate he was quoting was quite high that what I was expecting.
 

A couple of days later when I revisited the apartment, there was another security guy who also requested me to give him the car for washing. When I informed him that I am already in talks with Gani, he said we’ll somehow work that out though the rate this guy quoted wasn’t any different either.

 

We moved in to the new apartment while the negotiations were on, with respect to the rate of washing the car. Gani seemed to have made some progress showing some flexibility while the other guy was busy showcasing all his worries in life and trying to prove a point that why I should pay him the same amount as he initially quoted. After a few days even he had decided to bring down his stakes. But that’s when the brilliance of a deal breaker was seen from Gani!

 

When I came out in the morning, the day when I was supposed to finalize a rate for the car wash between the two guys, I saw the car waiting for me, sparkling clean! Standing beside my bright red dazzling beauty was Gani with a smile on his face with the confidence of a deal breaker. I asked him that we never finalized the rate, but he gave me such an answer with which I was so convinced about his capability to wipe out the competition with a swift move! He said, “Are you happy with the work sir? We’ll talk about the rate later”.

 

The deal was his and a fair one for me too!