The Past You Lost

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Oct 2014

Have you ever asked yourself these questions, “Wish I didn’t waste time over that silly argument!” or “Wish we had used that time better!” This is a late realization many of us have when we look back at the timeline of our life. The situation is especially true with married couples after a few years into their marriage. Every couple goes through certain amount of disagreement as they get to know each other better. What we do not realize then,is how pointless these disagreements are though a few would argue that these are part of the evolution as a couple.

The fact remains that the time we wasted with such disagreements, muted days and continuous fights are all part of the past that we lost. Those days will never come back and there is no merit in asking those initial questions since there is nothing you can do about it now. What is important is that you see how you would love to shape up your future and learn to avoid the wastage of time today.

We all go through our cycle of changes right from the moment we say “I do”. The single status gives way to being married and individual decisions are no longer the way forward. Two brains which used to have different styles of thinking are expected to start thinking together for a common objective. It is obvious to have differences in the way these brains work resulting in natural friction before the decisions are reached in a smooth manner.

These indifferences are quite usual and to reach a quick agreement over them is not the most normal thing to happen. This is bound to result in certain amount of time lost in these arguments and the likes of such disagreements. Couples being different have their own different ways of dealing with such situations. A few may have days of silence between them whereas a few others live a subdued life till they reach the moment of realization. Yet another reaction could be to have prolonged fights over the same topic. All these have one thing in common.Our precious time today is lost in all these actions.

When a couple lives in disagreement they forget about the most important investment they were supposed to do. Investing in the time today, for a better tomorrow! All the time that is lived in the days of conflict is an investment opportunity that is lost which you’ll never get back. There is absolutely no point in realizing this fact in future and brooding over that lost opportunity. What is clearly better is to ensure that you utilize the time properly so that you will not end up thinking you have lost your days in the past. 

Let this realization come to you quite early so that you remember this during every cycle in your life. If you’ve already lost some of your past you could at least start thinking now so as to save your future losses. May the good God bless you with the providence required to identify those moments that may possibly lead to a lost past. May you be gifted with the competence to overcome these difficulties for a better future!

A prayer that will certainly help you achieve this is The Serenity Prayer. Here it is again to help you achieve this. May God bless you!

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Fox & Hen

There once lived a fox and a hen. They were naturally not best of the friends. Once the hen was coming back after a stroll and was extremely hungry. Fox and his family lived on the way to her home which was still quite far. It was the only house in the vicinity whom the hen could ask for food. Hunger overtook the emotion of fear and the hen was brave enough to ask fox to save her life by giving some food. The fox though was surprised initially, offered her food and even packed some for her to have on the way back home. The hen was really happy and shouted to the world the good deed of the fox. By the time she reached back home, the word got spread. The hen was taken aback to see a company of enraged seniors back home who looked thoroughly annoyed. They were so irritated that they demanded an explanation from the hen for having the food at the house of the fox, all the while knowing very well that without that food she would’ve been dead by now. The verdict soon followed. The hen was the official spokesperson for the family. She was to relinquish that title followed by a promise that she’ll rather die than having food from an enemy and praise him for the act of kindness.

Moral of the story: Never praise your enemy even if he did a good deed, especially in certain walks of life! 

The Butterfly Teacher

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Sep 2014

A few weeks back I was sitting at one of the local restaurants awaiting my take away order to be ready. While sipping the tea ordered in between, I noticed an interesting paper lying on the table. It had a picture of a butterfly with numerous paths traced through its body and had a statement on top which said ‘Find Way Out’. 

Reminded me of the good old childhood when numerous such way finding puzzles were part of children’s magazines and was indeed a pleasure to solve each of them. It did not take much time for me to take out my pen and start tracing the path to find my way out of the maze. Needless to say I lost my way in between and at times the path took me to a dead end too. After a few attempts I was quite happy to have found my way out of the seemingly impossible task. I solved the puzzle and breathed an air of happiness. As if celebrating my success the hotel guys delivered my take away parcel at that moment of joy!

I drove back home with the parcel. That’s when I realized that the butterfly was also flying with me making me think about what just happened. She made me look back at my life which many a times is more like the puzzle that I now solved. We all try to find our way out of many such puzzles in life. Every day we face tasks that seem to be difficult. The challenge the butterfly keeps in front of us is to attempt finding a solution for these tasks. The secret lies in trying and once you are in the maze you need to find a way out.

Just like the paths that confused me in the puzzle, most of the challenges pose some sort of confusion. It is indeed a test to find the right way forward. You might suddenly hit a road block while you thought you were going ahead in the right path. The dead end does not mean it is the end of the world. What is important is to remember that a dead end also has a way to it. The way back. It is always a good thing to go back and learn from your own mistakes. Find the place where you took a wrong turn and correct your path from there. 

The butterfly tells me again that it is quite important not to lose hope if you don’t find the way out in the first attempt. The mantra is to keep trying till you find the right way. Guess what is the easiest thing to do when things go wrong? Feel disappointed and let go the challenge. That’s what everyone with a weak heart does in this world. It takes a bit of courage to say, there could be other paths that could help you to find your way out. 

There was another critical lesson the butterfly taught me. She said, many of us make a common mistake while treading the paths in our life. We all take the way forward and some of us are strong enough not to lose hope even if the path leads to a dead end. But a lot us do not look far ahead to make sure if the track we are on is really the right one. This piece of lesson is equally important as the earlier ones since this helps us to have a view of our life. 

Imagine constructing a house without drawing a plan. How do you think the house will end up finally? That’s why we invest in a good engineer to create a blue print and finalize the plan with the estimated cost before even starting the construction. Whatever changes that is required will be made throughout the project and finally we see an end result which goes well with the plan. How many of us apply this thought in our lives? How many of us draw plans for our lives? Do you invest time in doing this so that your path ahead is clear for you to proceed? 

I reached home along with these most valuable lessons the little butterfly taught me. Before saying goodbye to me she reminded me again of the three key things to be kept in mind. 

- There are challenges all around us. When you decide to face them, you have won half the battle.  

- Many a times you’ll hit a dead end. Remember to go back and learn from your mistakes to correct the path. 

- It is equally important to have a plan by looking ahead and make sure that the path you are on is indeed the correct one. 

I asked the butterfly what her name is. She smiled at me and before taking off she came close to my ears and whispered, ‘Gabriel’. 

Fight to Love!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Aug 2014

I remember a time when I was getting really bored being a bachelor. One of the reasons was the fact that most of my bachelor friends had joined the bandwagon of family life. Obviously their priorities got changed with respect to the time they spent with friends. I still had a very close friend-couple with whom I used to spend quite a lot of time together. Guess they had enough of me being a killjoy in their life that they decided to migrate to the UK. That was the last nail in the coffin.

Expectations and dreams were sky high about my life partner. I pictured a lovely life with little bit of indifferences and lots of love. Find of course I did, a perfect partner and we both said ‘I do’ after knowing ‘quite well’ in three months. At least that’s what I thought!

Step into the world of marriage, the screenplay gets thoroughly rewritten. How much ever said and done, I strongly believe that two people will truly get to know only when they start sharing the same roof above their heads. It is more like trying to merge two independent rivers together one fine day and expect them to flow in unison as if nothing has changed in their lives. It doesn’t happen that way. The rivers will have their own nature; one could have flown peacefully all its life whereas the other must’ve had very strong currents. Even if this isn’t the case there still is the difference that both the rivers had taken two different paths before they were merged. The fact remains that you are trying to merge two different streams into one.

We had fights, we still do. Looking back to the initial days of merging our streams of life, we see how trivial some of them were! We can’t even believe today that we really fought for some of those minute little things which look really silly now. We now realize one big truth. Yes, we had our indifferences but they were not based on proving the other wrong. It is not a wrestling match were the opponent needs to be punched and kicked till the time one of them gives up and a third party says you win. This is life for God’s sake. You are not in a game with your loved one as your opponent. You are in the same team. Realize it!

If anyone ever tells you that they never had any fights in their life, I can only assume two things. They are either still flowing as two rivers or they are simply lying. The moment you decide to love each other you’ll naturally learn more about each other. Knowing more is to know the good and bad about each other. Some of them will be naturally appreciated and others may raise the eye brows since such knowledge may not really be the same as what you would’ve expected. This is perfectly fine. It is the most logical thing to happen in your lives since humans are logical beings.

Do not worry about your differences and the fights you may have about them. You are together as a couple yet you are two different people. It is not something wrong since you are made like that by the Supreme Being who designed you like this. The challenge you have in your life, especially in the initial days is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle. It is quite difficult the very first time when you try to put the pieces together. It’ll make it even more difficult if two people try to solve the puzzle individually. Share your thoughts and you’ll see the puzzle taking shape till the time a smile appears on your face with the final picture revealed. The next time you play the same puzzle, it is much easier. Life’s just like that.

Fight. It is quite normal, but do remember one thing. Fight to love and not the other way round. God bless you! 

Being a child

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - July 2014

I’ve been noticing one thing off late about the conversation with folks back home. Every phone call is laced with adjectives such as “tough days, lot of work, hectic” etc. I was wondering what exactly is happening in my life that things are becoming so complex. That’s when my two year old came up with a ‘major’ problem he is facing with his new toy truck. The truck has a major section and an attached trailer as well. The part where trailer is attached came off and he was really worried his truck got damaged. I took a look at it and applied some glue and the trailer was working perfectly fine. I was quite surprised to see the amount of happiness on his face. That made me ask the question, when was the last time I was so happy on such small things?
 

Probably it is not a small thing for my little one; nevertheless the fact is that he found happiness in every little such thing that we never found him unhappy over a prolonged period of time. This is quite unlike most of us who are worried about something or other all the while.

It may sound a bit similar, though there is a subtle difference between being happy about small things in life Vs quickly recovering from your sadness. One of the biggest lessons my son taught me is not just how to be happy about the small things in life. He also showed me how to forget completely about the sadness you felt till a moment ago and enjoy the happiness you now possess.

Another major trait that you lose while you grow from being a child to an adult is your ability to have zero ego. Have you ever noticed a baby or a child? How much ever you do something which they dislike, it takes minimum or even little time before they come back to you with another question or request. They are not tuned to think that this is the same person who did something they didn’t appreciate a little while ago. For them it was a moment in the past and past stays in the past. They live in the present. A huge lesson to be learned from these tiny wonders!

It is no wonder why most adults in this world love kids. Babies or kids predominantly have one agenda in life. They just know to love forever and most importantly express the love too. You don’t see them fretting over insignificant nothings and losing their day that should be filled with happiness. It is such a pleasure to watch a little one running across to you to give a hug at the end of a very tiring day. All the worries about that day seem to disappear into the thin air. That’s the magic of being a child!

Most likely one of the key factors that differentiate a child from an adult is the gift to approach everything in a simple manner. Kids really do not know how to complicate things. They only know and are interested to see the way things are. It makes life much easier to live. The moment we try to bring in unwarranted complexities to simpler aspects in life, we feel being weighed down by difficulties in life. Guess the mantra is to learn to look at life around you in a simple manner. Do not complicate what can remain simple.

Guess I realize now why one Man had said more than two thousand years back why it is important to be like a child. At least this should remind us that life was much happier being a child and there were reasons why it was so. Hence while you know you can’t become one anymore it is quite important for you to realize why you should learn from one.

That surely must have been one of the thoughts that crossed the mind of Wordsworth when he wrote, ‘The child is father of the man’. Be like a child and bring back the happiness in your life!

Life cycle of dreams

We all have dreams and we try to achieve them. We struggle a lot in pursuing these dreams before we finally achieve it. The most logical thing to do is to live your dream once you achieve them.

 

Just like every other life, there needs to have an end date for living your dream. The moment you try to hang on to your dream it will start weighing you down mentally and later physically. We’re all designed to dream perpetually.

 

So when you feel disappointed with something, ask yourself the question. Am I nearing the expiry date of my dream? Is it worth hanging on? Else remind yourself to dream again.

 

Dream-Pursue-Achieve-Live-Kill-Dream again!

House Arrest!

Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - June 2014

 

Have you noticed the typical families around us? There is a family one where you see both husband and wife working with a house assistant to take care of the maintenance of the house as well as the kids, if they are too small. There is a family two where only the husband works and wife takes care of the house and the kids; they may have a house assistant as well. There could also be a family three where the wife works and the husband takes care of the home and the kids, though this is quite a rare sight in our social environment.

The thoughts this time are more focused on the family two. While I’m aware of the risks of generalization I can’t help but think about the commonalities between the wife in such a family and Aung San Suu Kyi, the famous politician from Burma.

Let us look at the life in a day of the former. The wife generally gets involved right from the morning in preparing the breakfast for the family, followed by dropping the kids at school at times, return home where a heap of work awaits her to be done throughout the day, ensure that the home remains tidy and beautiful all the while taking care of these chores, prepare for the return of her husband from work and kids from school, get things ready for the dinner, take care of whatever that is required for the next day before she hits the bed.

The above actions do not stop with a day. This is pretty much the same for all the working days when her husband has to go to office and kids to school. The only exception, if she is lucky, could be the day off in a week where there could be a change in roles when her husband decides to help her with some of the chores. She might be luckier if the family decides to go out to have some good time together.

While I agree that the above may not be the case in every home, I’ve a question to all the husbands who belong to the family two. Ask yourself if this routine applies to your wife. If not, you must be appreciated for bringing some change to this monotonous rigor in her life. She may never ask for a change, but know for a fact that she’s no better than Ms Suu Kyi who was under house arrest for a long 15 years.

Ask yourself if you’ve sentenced your wife similarly without you even knowing that. If so, here are a few things you could consider improving this situation. The very first thing is to accept that such a situation exists. This can be followed by identifying what best could be done considering the fact that every family is different.

The best thing to do to a person who lives a monotonous life is to bring variety to their life. Be aware that interesting things not only happen to you, while you are away from your family. Have an interest to know more about their time away from you. While knowing more about her day, make sure that you talk to her about your day as well.  Go out for a walk, even if it is only for ten minutes daily it’ll make a difference. Engage yourself in games; there is no better way than to refresh your brain. Play with your kids along with your wife. Your kids need to feel your love and not just their mother’s. There are plenty of other things that can be done. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

I’ve a question for the wife from this family two. You are created with a divine purpose of shaping up the present to be future ready. It is quite a critical task that you have in hand. There is no second opinion about how magnanimous an effort is that. Having said that, it may be worthwhile asking yourself the question that is there anything in addition to this pivotal task that you could achieve?

Even if you are not able to apply your education there are many a things you could still learn. Learning opportunities are plenty around you. All what you need to do is, spot them. Search within yourself the long lost interests. The hobbies you once had which got abandoned half way through your family life. Resurrect them. Reskill yourself. Learn something new. A new language, a musical instrument, a new hobby perhaps; options are plenty where you could make your life more meaningful. Your sweet heart need to realize that he should be extending an absolute and unconditional support to you to make this a reality.

Always remind yourself that we all are given this wonderful gift of life only once. You do not even have the slightest of the clue how long will this last. Make use of this gift, every minute of it. Learn to live your life to the fullest.

‘Dio vi benedica’ as the Italians say ‘God bless you’!