Article for Bethlehem Matrimonial - Dec 2013
Some of us probably grew up facing questions such as these, “Have you ever seen him doing this? Or Why don’t you learn from her? Or What is that we don’t provide you that you can’t score like her?” Human beings are born with an innate nature to compare and see what can be made better. Unfortunately in certain cases the comparison does a lot of damage to a person that it even affects the psyche.
Comparisons during childhood have many a times proved to be negatively influencing a child than motivating to perform better. It becomes even worse when this concept finds its way into the life of a married couple. I remember a joke that I read in one of the national dailies a while ago. It says, ‘People always regret buying a new phone or getting married. This is because of an afterthought that they could’ve waited for a better model’! With a phone the afterthought is excused, but not with the latter.
Many of us still complain about the material aspects of life. The complaints range from the food that was cooked or dressing/grooming tastes or gifts that are bought or not bought for each other on occasions. Family and friends come into picture when these comparisons are worked out. A man could be complaining about a dish that would’ve been prepared better by his mom or the not so upgraded wardrobe of his wife. The woman will have complaints of how her wish remains unfulfilled to have a three stone diamond set just like what her best friend was gifted by her better half during their anniversary.
What people do not realize is the fact that with each of these comparisons you cease to respect the other person in your life the way they are. When you respond, “I do”, come what may, to the priest, what you mean is an unconditional “I do”. This is one clause that should not come with a * that says ‘Conditions Apply’. You cannot say that I thought she’ll cook like my mom or he’ll buy me what I wish or she’ll love all my friends or he’ll be exactly like my dad or brother who were such guardian angels to me.
You agree to a new life with a whole lot of uncertainties which is part of any life, married or otherwise. In marriage you in fact get a bonus of an additional pair of hands to hold you through these uncertainties provided you accept this as a blessing. The moment you start expecting your sweetheart to be like someone else you are in fact killing his/her self. Ask yourself, do you want to make a clone of your spouse by having the best of all what you have seen among your family and friends? On the contrary you let your partner-for-life be that. Just like the partners in a doubles game of tennis trusting each other with their abilities so that they take the game forward together to win the match.
The biggest gift you could offer to your better half is the trust you have on him/her. The moment the significant other in your life realizes that you trust him/her more than anyone else, a strong foundation gets laid. Being married is not a thing of the past. It is a present continuous process for future. You learn every day. You may even be surprised after ten years of being together to know a totally new character of your spouse since people seldom remain the same over a period of time. So the test of time is something every couple will face in their life. Bestowing your trust on each other is the only way you take this life happily forward.
Remember, to compare is a crime. You are here as a pair to trust and love each other so that you respect the other self and thereby yourself.